The EWW episode of the 1995 Oscar winning Pixar movie Toy Story.
1. (the Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar logos are shown) 47 seconds of logos.
2. (the word "saloon" is written with a backwards N, while the word "school" is spelled with a K) Backwards N, School spelled with a K. How old is Andy supposed to be in this movie again? Because unless it's six, he should know better. Either that or he made all these box buildings as a six-year-old and is still playing with them years later, which is just sad.
3. (Andy pretends that Slinky Dog is "an attack dog with a built-in force field" and that Rex "eats force-field dogs") Children's imaginations.
4. Computer animation baby collects another soul if you look at it directly in the eyes.
5. Also, in this giant-ass two-story house, with only one adult... why the hell does Andy have to share a bedroom with the baby sister? Does mom have, like, three separate crafting rooms?
6. (Andy slides Woody down the stair rail) Andy is a dick to Woody.
7. This household has a Super Nintendo System, but apparently no games to play with it.
8. Also, Andy has a Super Nintendo but would still rather play with Woody dolls. Probably because of the lack of games, I'm guessing.
9. Unlike most kids, Andy actually closes the door to his room -- and good thing, too, or else the toys would have to wait until no one was in the house to come to life.
10. (coming to life, Woody exclaims, "Pull my string, the birthday party's today?!") With the sheer number of toys strewn in this house, AND Woody's apparent wealth of logic and street smarts... there is NO WAY he would get the date of the birthday party wrong.
11. Overly dexterous plastic pig not only tosses coin in the air without opposable thumbs, but also lands it perfectly straight up so it goes into his piggy bank slot.
12. (Mr. Potato Head has his face parts put on all wrong, making him look like Picasso, but Hamm doesn't get it, much to Mr. Potato Head's annoyance) How did Mr. Potato Head even know Picasso's work to make the joke in the first place?
13. Either Slink has ALL these checker pieces set up on the wrong color, or else... and I really hesitate to say this, but... I may have been playing checkers wrong my whole life. Do the pieces not go on the black squares?!
14. (a thick book is seen on the bookshelf with the title "Tin Toy") Sorry, John Lasseter, no one is reading a supposed 200-page book concerning you 1988 Oscar-winning short "Tin Toy". Nice try, animators.
15. (Bo Peep asks Woody if she can "get someone else to watch the sheep tonight") Scene does not contain a cartoon lapdance.
16. Also, the idea of toys having sex -- they're still plastic right? It opens up so many questions about lubricants and chafing and whether these toys were built anatomically correct... I forgot I was watching a kids' movie.
17. (speaking into a toy microphone, Woody asks if every toy can hear him) Yeah, they can hear you... and possibly Andy and his mom can hear you too! And everybody outside that open window as well!
18. A minute ago Woody needed the speaker to move away so there wouldn't be feedback. Now he can stand as close as he wants!
19. (all the toys watch as the party guests come into the house with presents) What if Andy were to walk in the bedroom right now, huh? Do you people have ANY idea the emotional scarring you'd cause if he saw all this? Woody doesn't order the soldiers out to do recon for another 45 seconds or so, so... they literally have NO WAY to know if Andy is approaching but they are still WAY out of position.
20. None of the neighbors see this stuff. Am I the only person in America who spies on his neighbors?!
21. (one of the Green Army Men is watching the party through his binoculars) Wait, his totally solid-plastic binoculars actually work?!?!
22. (the Green Army Man announces that one of the presents is a board game of Battleship, much to the toys' relief) Jeez... if not for the surprise Buzz Lightyear later, Andy's gifts would be proof that he's unloved.
23. These toys open the closet door without using the handle.
24. (Buzz tries to get in contact with Star Command) Do all toys start out thinking they're real? Or is Buzz unique in that regard? Did all the other toys have a similar "coming to grips with it" experience?
25. ("He's not a space ranger! He doesn't actually shoot lasers or fly!") Yes, he does. Because toys CAN fly. A nice touch indeed.
26. (Bo Peep says of Buzz, "I found my moving buddy!") What a whore.
27. (when Woody says, "They'll see. I'm still Andy's favorite toy.") Wow. That's some elective speech you got there, cowboy.
28. (Andy holds up Buzz's arm so that it seems like he is zapping Woody with his laser) Buzz is in the typical "I'm a toy" pose here. But how did a deluded toy such as himself ever learn to do this? How did he know not to say anything to humans when he really thought for a fact that he was a space ranger?
29. (Andy, wearing his cowboy hat, runs into the closet, then a split second later comes out wearing a makeshift Space Ranger suit made out of cardboard, with the shadows outside now moved accordingly) You know what? Bravo for simulating a passage of time with the shadows...that just blows my mind. (2 sins removed)
27. (when singer says "Strange…things are happening to me") This song.
28. (Rex gives a big breath scaring Mr. Potato Head) Man, what a Jurassic Park sound effect!
29. (Woody pushes Slinky off the bed) "Cowboy fails obedience" cliche.
30. (Woody opens Buzz's helmet, causing Buzz to seemingly suffocate) This is a hilarious moment when Buzz thinks he's going to die, but... you're telling me this is the first time since his arrival that his helmet has come off? Andy has had enough time to change his posters and linen and ditch Woody for a new favorite toy, but... he hasn't pressed all the buttons yet? A real little boy pushed all those buttons all those buttons back as soon as the gift was opened.
31. Every single piece of exploded Combat Carl debris flies straight at our main characters, instead of any of the other directions in the 360-degree spectrum that it could have flown.
32. (when Woody reads "Don't Count on It" to a magic eight ball) Could any toy not read any direction to a magic eight ball? If so, magic eight balls are kind of black, though.
33. (RC Racer comes up at Buzz, who jumps aside, causing RC to hit the cork board instead) Somehow this nudge from the car knocks all these tacks out of the cork board.
34. (the globe rolls at Buzz, who runs from it) Ah, I see Buzz Lightyear went to the Prometheus School of Running Away from Things.
35. (Buzz, who is standing on the window ledge, gets hit by a desk lamp, causing to let loose with the Wilhelm Scream as he is knocked out the window) Buzz Wilhelm.
36. (the other toys seek to attack Woody and avenge the loss of Buzz, but stop when they hear Andy return to the room) This is why this "toys come to life while humans are gone" thing would never work. They got bailed out here only because Andy yelled down to his mom.
37. Wide open window is still left wide open when family leaves for Pizza Planet.
38. I'm assuming they're going to Pizza Planet at a decent hour, but they go to a filling station that is practically deserted, and a surrounding town that looks totally deserted.
39. Also, Andy always closes his door at home, but he leaves the van's door wide open while they pump the gas and presumably go into the store, allowing not only Buzz and Woody to exit, but for any hobo to sneak into the van.
40. Also, it took like 5 seconds for Andy's mom to put the nozzle in the gas tank, start fueling, and completely leave the gas pumps so that Woody and Buzz could have their fight and no one could see it.
41. OK, not to be an asshole or anything, but once you're out of the view of the driver, you don't have to sit still do you?
42. ("Doesn't he realize that I'm not there? (gasps) I'm lost!") A real toy would not get lost in the situation, because a cowboy is now lonesome in the gas station. Couldn't there be a convenience store, whatsoever?
43. (Woody yells at Buzz, "YOU... ARE... A... TOYYYYYY!!!!") Woody and Buzz argue loudly so that any truck driver can hear. Luckily, no one does.
44. Conveniently, the Chuck-E-Cheese-like Pizza Planet also delivers and just happens to drive at this abandoned gas station where I heard a guy got murdered one time.
45. Monstrous stack of pizzas allows Buzz the perfect cover.
46. Also, isn't this plan totally over once he grabs the pizzas and delivers them to whomever? He's going to see him when he takes the pizzas or when he comes back, right?
47. Pizza delivery guy leaves his pizza sleeves in the truck to keep Buzz's plan working.
48. (Woody is sneaking into Pizza Planet wearing a Mega Gulp cup, while Buzz is wearing a burger container) Pizza Planet delivers a 128-ounce Mega Gulp.
49. Also, burgers.
50. Buzz and Woody demonstrate they can somehow see out of these containers by freezing into position well before the kids run by... then demonstrate they CAN'T see out of these containers by running into each other.
51. Sid just happens to be at Pizza Planet because evil always lurks at pizza theme restaurants.
52. Sid puts one quarter in and gets a prize on the first pull.
53. This claw works unlike any other in the history of the prize machine universe. I'm sorry, Sid doesn't win this one. There's no way.
54. "Evil character has at least one light source that is a single bulb swinging free from a chain" cliché.
55. ("I don't believe that man's ever been to medical school.") In this cartoon for kids, Sid is a doctor.
56. ("Where all your rebel friends now?") That's racist.
57. Also, "bad kid burns cowboy's forehead" cliche.
58. ("There's no place like home! There's no place like home!") Could any toy reference anything to the Wizard of Oz while running on a pile of stairs?
59. Here's where Buzz finally learns that he's just a toy. But one thing is off about this. It's this room. The adult sleeping in the recliner is obviously into hunting, with the duck wallpaper and the deer head mounted on the wall. There are cans strewn about that say "Cola" and "Root Beer" but we take these to suggest alcohol, not soft drinks. There's a wrench to turn on the TV and the coat hanger used as an antenna, a forlorn guitar propped up against it---it's a poor family, possibly a failed musician. What program is this down-in-the-dumps adult watching where a Buzz Lightyear commercial targeted for kids would be playing?
60. (the shot of the Christmas light string disappears in different shots) The string of Christmas lights that Woody was hiding in have disappeared in this shot and magically reappear in this shot.
61. (Hamm and Mr. Potato Head are playing Battleship) How would you even BEGIN to get back into position and put this away in time if someone walked into the room right now? Woody's been gone for, like, not even a day yet... and everything falls apart.
62. (Woody successfully tosses the string of lights across to Andy's window on the first attempt) That would be an impossible throw for a human to make. Even Dude Perfect would need, like, 20 or 30 takes!
63. That's great---how does Sid explain this to himself when he sees the magically fixed toys? It sure wasn't his parents that did it.
64. Can you fall asleep and stay asleep while holding something like this hat? Wouldn't it drop to the floor the moment you started to drift off?
65. Okay, movie, you cheated. Just 15 seconds ago Buzz couldn't even look at his foot without making the standard noises that accompany the movement of a hard plastic toy action figure. But then so we can have a little Woody surprise, Buzz is suddenly able to stand up and walk away and climb on top of the crate without making a single sound---with a heavy-ass rocket taped to his back!
66. Sid's alarm clock goes off at 7 AM, which he set the previous night at 8:25. That means it took 11 hours for Woody to start asking Buzz to help while he was under the crate. What the hell was he doing before then? Toys don't need to sleep.
67. Either Sid is taking way too long to launch his Firecracker Buzz... or these misfit toys and Woody put together a fairly elaborate plan way too f*cking quickly.
68. Sid's sister heard the doorbell, but not the skateboard full of toys going down the stairs.
69. Woody waits MUCH longer than he needs to in order to distract Sid. I mean, s*it, that fuse is practically lit already!
70. Wind up frog comes out of the mud completely clean.
71. (when Woody tells Sid to play nice) And Sid ran away from a Five Nights at Freddy's jumpscare.
72. I'm okay with talking, sentient toys in a movie. I really am. But I am NOT okay with talking, sentient toys that can run fast enough to catch up to a truck moving at even the slowest speed.
73. Toy's plastic fingers have a stronger grip than a dog's jaws. In other words... yeah, no, Woody is puppy chow.
74. Andy's family moved without sealing their boxes.
75. Well, thank goodness for that conveniently timed and extremely long red light.
76. This is cute and all, but you can clearly see that while Woody is being spun, he only has the accelerator pressed on the controller, and nothing is touching the steering wheel portion, so... RC should not be spinning in circles right now.
77. Also, RC is a talking, sentient toy like the rest of them. There are times in this movie where he freely moves of his own will. So... how does this work... does the remote control supersede RC's own will as a thinking toy? Why doesn't the remote controller have it's own separate sentient personality?
78. There's a jump button on that controller too?!
79. This guy in the blue car must be freaking out---seeing a remote control car driving two other toys towards a moving van with a bunch of other toys cheering them in the back.
80. Whoever is driving this truck doesn't notice this s*it.
81. Ah, Disney, didn't we get enough of that song the year before this came out?
82. I'm sorry, Slink, but in my experience with your sort of toy... you're basically worthless now. You'd make a decent strangulation, or accidental maiming of ones-self, and that's about it.
83. Wow, that match never fell during all of that? Hell... I'm kind of surprised the rocket didn't fall off, but the match? That thing is long gone. And don't get me started on Woody's hat either.
84. (when Woody tries to lit a string on Buzz's rocket) What!?
85. This is where I stop and ask you to ponder one thing: If Sid had never tortured Woody, then Woody and Buzz would never be able to put this plan together and be returned to Andy. Which means... this movie is sort of saying this movie is sort of saying that torture is a necessary evil, and I'm okay with that, and I am NOT okay with that.
86. This street was dead empty for, like, forever just a second ago!
87. Andy asks no questions why the two toys he was looking for suddenly show up in a box right next to him.
88. And the family members moved in to another house for Andy, because snow came down.
89. (until Three Headed Sheep holds out a mistletoe) WHY would you even give a mistletoe when you have three heads?
90. (while the credits are playing) Nice try, Randy, but you're not going to distract me for over three and a half minutes of end credits in this Pixar movie!
Movie Sin Tally: 90
Sentence: Sid's Room (Let's go home and play.)