The EWW episode to the 1997 movie Titanic.

Everything Wrong With Titanic In 9 Minutes Or So15:02

Everything Wrong With Titanic In 9 Minutes Or So

Transcript Edit

  1. (When Brock says "see they're coming out of the darkness like a ghost ship") Jeez, dude, are you trying to find the Titanic treasure or are you adding a clip to your demo reel? You even say this is, like, the 6th dive in a row. Why are you just now waxing nostalgic but also not giving a crap?
  2. How did they get this safe out of the Titanic? These little robots certainly couldn't have lifted that safe, and even those were barely able to even get into the room. And unless several people are making an impossible, suicidal scuba expedition some twelve and a half times the then-known world record for depth that safe is staying put.
  3. Asshole treasure hunters celebrate before actually opening the safe.
  4. (When Lewis says "like that Russian thing, anasthesia") James Cameron, you are the screenwriting king of the world.
  5. (When Brock says "an old claim, that was settled under terms of absolute secrecy") And if anyone just wanted to know about it 84 years later, but yeah, absolute secrecy.
  6. Why do they waste time showing her a computer simulation of the sinking? In addition to probably ripping open painful memories for her, it has nothing to do with the diamond.
  7. Experience the extraordinary period detail and rich history of the Titanic, but only after you spent 21 minutes really getting to know the modern day assholes trying to get rich of it.
  8. (When old Rose says "To me, it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains")  I think I've read about a slave or two who might change places with you.
  9. (When Jack says "I'm sorry, Fabrizio", then fast-forwarding) Jack pulls off the most irritating slow roll in history. I think with Titanic tickets on the line, he probably would have been shot for that sh*t.
  10. (When Fabrizio says "... to America!") Discount actual Italian person.
  11. Also, I can only assume that somewhere in the deleted scenes is the rest of this clip, because he surely followed that up with "That's a spicy meat-a-ball-a!"
  12. Why is the entire pier silent while Jack and Fabrizio run alongside Titanic? I mean, yeah, there's a bit of music there, probably score and a horse whinny, but... literally nothing else. All these people are standing and waving in utter silence. Wouldn't it be, like, I don't know, a deafening roar?
  13. Jack and Fabrizio arrive at the rail, very near a girl sitting on her dad's shoulders, but then neither them nor the girl on her father's shoulders can be seen in the cutaway shot that follows.
  14. (When Bjorn says "Where's Sven?") Yeah, where is Sven? I don't give a sh*t about our other friend who's supposed to be here too.
  15. I'm rich and always disinterested in anything and anyone below me. Shoo, shoo, sir... I have no other character traits.
  16. Haha, people in 1912 had no idea how famous Pablo Picasso would become.
  17. (When Old Rose says "we all called her Molly") Acually, Rose, her friends called her Maggie, not Molly. She was only known as Molly after her death.
  18. (When Jack says "I'm the king of the world!")
  19. These people on the boat don't look CGI at all. This guy on the stairs looks entirely black and white, but I just roll with it.
  20. The super rich girl who has everything she could ever want is so turned off by the prospect of a life conversing with rich people that she's going to kill herself. This is like, the original First World Problem right here.
  21. Man, the lookouts on the Titanic were never doing their job!
  22. Luckily for Rose, Jack never goes back to his room for any reason the whole trip.
  23. Littering.
  24. (When Jack says "Jack Dawson") Can't you do this after she's back on the other side of the rail?
  25. "Person decides not to commit suicide but then almost dies anyway" cliché.
  26. How did you let it get this far, Rose? I mean, sh*t! I know you don't want people to know you almost killed yourself, but did you just sit there and blubber while your fiancé showed up, and then the master at arms, and while they discussed what happened in such a way resulting in Jack getting handcuffed!?!? You only just now decide to say something?
  27. (When Jovejoy says "it's interesting, that the young lady slipped so suddenly and you still had time to remove your jacket and your shoes") This guy would have been excellent at Cinema Sins.
  28. You see, Cal was unaware that in 1912, female orgasms existed.
  29. (When Rose says "I know what you must be thinking, poor little rich girl") Exactly.
  30. The spit on Jack's chin changes size, shape and position between shots.
  31. (When Molly says "you shine up like a new penny") New pennies don't need to be shined up, they're already shiny. She should have said 'you shine like a new penny' or even 'you shine up like an old penny' because that's the kind of penny one would have an occasion to shine up.
  32. (When Jack says "time for me to go row with the other slaves") I think I've read about a slave or two who--oh f*ck it.
  33. Good thing this ship has only one clock.
  34. I wonder if James Cameron wold give back all of his Titanic and Avatar money to live as happily as the poor people on this ship do?
  35. We interrupt this raucous party in the poor part of the ship to bring you the following news: rich people are boring and have nothing interesting to say.
  36. That's disgusting!
  37. James Cameron's foot fetish.
  38. (When Jack says "That fire that I love about you, Rose") Dude, you have known her, like, two days, and spent all of a few hours with her.
  39. (When Jack says "Give me your hand") I want to play a game my boy Fabrizio and I like to play. Never done it with a girl before, so this should be interesting.
  40. (When Jack says "Step up onto the rail") Jack asks a recently suicidal person to climb up on the rail.
  41. (When Jack asks "You trust me?" and Rose answers "I trust you") Why?
  42. Movie wastes his PG-13 f-bomb allowance on a meaningless line.
  43. Does abusive, jealous misogynist Cal seem like the kind of guy who gives his fiancée, that he doesn't trust and has his henchman following, the combination to his safe?
  44. I understand she said Cal wouldn't come back as long as the Brandy and sigars held out, but what about her mother...or any of the dozens of servants they appear to have in every other scene? I mean, do NOT get me wrong... I like where this scene is going... a LOT. But... just seems a little risky is all.
  45. Scene contained nudity but no lap dance.
  46. (When Old Rose says "It was the most erotic moment of my life") Ewww.
  47. Money shot.
  48. Wait, what position are they in for Rose's hand to slap the back and top of the windshield but neither of their bodies were visible?
  49. Back in 1912, women wore towels or blankets during hot sex.
  50. (When Jack says "those guys' faces") What the f*ck are they laughing about? Which guys' faces? The guys in white that were just looking for them a second ago that they weren't even there to see?
  51. Well, now you know the untold story of how Titanic hit those icebergs. The lookouts were peeping on a young teen couple making out. I'd make a Heart and Souls reference here but I don't think anyone would get it.
  52. These people only f*cking died because Jack and Rose were dying to f*ck.
  53. Did he just put that 56 karat diamond into Jack's pocket without Jack noticing? Would that even be possible? I mean, slip a piece of paper in, sure... maybe a peanut or something. But a humongous piece of heavy jewelry on an equally-heavy-looking chain?
  54. Old Rose repeatedly remembers things to which she was not a witness.

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