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The Everything Wrong With video for the 2012 movie The Avengers.

TranscriptEdit

  1. (a glowing blue cube is shown) This is a tesseract, and that's pretty much all you'll ever know for sure about it
  2. Secret military research facility on brightly lit exposed mesa
  3. Helicopters do not need to follow roadways
  4. Coulson wears sunglasses at night (so he can, so he can)
  5. Nick Fury's character development literally begins and ends with "eye patch"
  6. Exciting superhero movie starts with plodding exposition
  7. Possibly-racist movie kills two Asian extras in a row
  8. Tesseract powers allow for mind control by tapping the center of the chest
  9. Dangerous energy source space doorway with gamma radiation? Screw it, transport by hand
  10. The "bullet-proof-vest fake-out"
  11. First action piece of major superhero film is a boring car chase
  12. Scene does not contain a lapdance
  13. Bruce Banner is hiding out where only little girls and S.H.I.E.L.D. can find him
  14. Shield answers to: 4 people on vertical plasma screens?
  15. Bad guy henchmen running laps
  16. Loki's scepter is also a space phone
  17. The Heli-carrier is hella stupid
  18. Cloaking device is dumb, but also I don't know why they're hiding
  19. Cap pays off a bet he never technically accepted
  20. "We're sweeping every wirelessly accessibly camera on the planet"
  21. Loki makes grand appearance changes that barely change his appearance
  22. Attacks Germans but lectures them in English
  23. Did he [Captain America] just jump from a plane?
  24. Cheesy and pointless Hitler reference
  25. Late night kidnap brotherly argument on a mountain
  26. Superhero pissing contest
  27. Supervillain prisoner left unattended
  28. Superhero pissing contest number 2
  29. Cap & Iron Man almost kiss
  30. Mighty heli-carrier basically neutered by one freaking arrow
  31. Clearly no radio in his ear but he pretends to have one
  32. Computer virus delivered by arrow
  33. For a super soldier, Captain America is a terrible shot
  34. Loki tricks Thor with the old "Lucy/Charlie Brown" football prank
  35. So Loki's plan was to get captured on purpose and have Hawkeye break him out, but no real objective?
  36. Long boring fight scene between characters we are already trying not to hate
  37. Tesseract mind-control powers erased with a simple blow to the head
  38. Fury gives intimidating death stare to a computer screen
  39. "Dying-person-can't-finish-their-last-profound-statement-before-dying" cliché
  40. Bad news negates the need for medical care
  41. Nick Fury motivates the team by lying about the location of baseball cards
  42. Cap gets AIDS from handling bloody baseball cards
  43. Basically-indestructible heroes still need little league pep talk to get up for the big challenge
  44. Thor has trouble picking up his hammer but it's never explained
  45. Every gadget in this f*cking movie has to glow with a blue light
  46. Loki patiently waits for Iron Man to remove the damaged suit, grab a drink, banter a bit, and put on a new suit, instead of just killing him
  47. Too bad Loki's mind control powers only work if the scepter touches the exact center of a person's chest
  48. Generic bad guy soldiers whose abilities and shortcomings are never explained
  49. Why are they even trying to stop an army that we never once see kill or injure a human being
  50. Captain America is really more of a super-gymnast than a super-hero
  51. Black Widow knows exactly how to handle and fire an alien weapon seconds after picking it up
  52. And suddenly, there was Bruce Banner on a motorcycle
  53. Production Design 101: Don't imitate anything from Transformers
  54. Hulk can suddenly control his powers because story demands it
  55. Thor's lighting turns out to be really, really effective against the aliens, but he only uses it once
  56. The Council would rather definitely kill everyone in New York with a nuclear weapon than maybe have some die in an alien invasion
  57. Loki gets caught monologuing
  58. Nick Fury fires a missile at an American to stop him from firing a missile at Americans
  59. All the enemy soldiers die like b*tches once the mother ship is exploded
  60. There is no gravity in space, but Iron Man falls back to Earth anyway
  61. (as Banner and Stark drive off together) Are Banner and Stark dating now?
  62. Credits scene to tease the next movie turns out to be homework assignment
  63. Shawarma scene missed by any moviegoer who didn't realize there would be two end-credit scenes (so basically everyone)

Movie Sin Tally: 64

Sentence: Hell

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