Tangled

The EWW video for the 2010 Disney movie Tangled.

Transcript

1. Milestone logo!
2. Narration.
3. ("A small drop of sun fell from sky") Small drop of sun traveled 93 million miles to f*ck up the rules of photosynthesis.
4. Also...sunlight comes to earth in beams, not drops, everyone knows that.
5. ("The flower had the ability to heal the sick and injured") And was immediately discovered by an evil witch.
6. (When narrator says "I told you she'll be important.") That was LITERALLY 35 seconds ago!!
7. ("She hoarded its powers to keep herself young for hundreds of years") How does "healing power" translate to "reversing the aging process"?
8. ("All she had to do, is to sing it a special song") How did she figure out how to do that in the first place?
9. Also, the single drop of sunlight fell to Earth and sprouted a flower genetically pre-coded to ONLY be magical after this combination of words and notes were sung?
10. (A guard says they found [the flower]) You mean, you were actually looking for a magical healing flower that was created by a single drop of sun, and you KNEW it existed...somehow?
11. King is a dick and doesn't invent a magical Disney tune to make this flower work so that more people could use it in the future.
12. ("I'll give you a hint, that's Rapunzel.") That's not a hint, dude, that's just the answer.
13. How does Mother Gothel know that if she sings the song to Rapunzel, that her hair will still have the power to make her young? That's a huge risk to break into the castle and hope that the magical flower latched itself into Rapunzel's DNA.
14. Also, jeez, is anyone actually guarding this castle?
15. Why does cutting the hair destroy its power? Isn't it a part of her DNA? Isn't it blonde at the roots?
16. Holy sh*t, the king and queen were in here too? How did they not hear that singing?
17. Jumping off an incredibly high balcony without injury is accomplished with the flick of a cape.
18. Come to think of it, how'd the witch get in that window in the first place?
19. (The narrator says the guards were unable to find the princess) Kingdom is great at finding hidden flowers, but not so much at hidden towers. Dammit, Grinch!
20. Whoever built this tower installed the most impractically-placed lever for a sunroof ever created.
21. But wait... your hair is tied way up in the rafters somewhere. Doesn't it get tang...ohhhhhhhhh......
22. (As Rapunzel sings) The witch didn't even tell this girl a fake birthday? She is TERRIBLE at kidnap-based-fake-mothering.
23. Security issues continue to plague the castle 18 years after Rapunzel's kidnapping.
24. Apparently, these thieves knew that you could pry open some place on top of the castle, find an easily removable panel, and Mission: Impossible the way down.
25. Why not just lock the tiara away somewhere and reduce the manpower required to guard it?
26. Also, if you're going to overkill security with 9 guards, why not have at least two of them watching the tiara itself?
27. These guys somehow managed to get off the rooftops of the castle, run through the main part of the kingdom, exit the town without any resistance. And where IS everybody?
28. (Rapunzel tells fake-mom she's turning 18) What?! No self-respecting 18 year-old would have waited this long to ASK to go outside the home... or even to sneak out on their own! Rapunzel fails at being a teenager.
29. (Rapunzel says she wants to see the Floating Lights) Mother Gothel was about to eat an apple, but she knew it would make her look like even more of an asshole.
30. (Rapunzel explains the Floating Lights appears on her birthday) See, witch mom? This movie's ENTIRE CENTRAL CONFLICT is due to you not just making up some fake birthday for your fake daughter you hoped would never realized she was the king's daughter. Stupid witch.
31. This is also a decent time to ask what the witch's plan was for whenever her "daughter" got old enough o not take orders. Lie... was she thinking she could keep 40-year-old Rapunzel here with scary stories about the outside world?
32. (When Gothel sings "You know why we stay up in this tower") Well, SHE stays. YOU go out everyday for great lengths of time.
33. How does this ONE switch close ALL THE windows and doors in the entire home...and turns this sunny afternoon into pitch darkness immediately?
34. Um... her dress or cape should be totally be catching on fire right now.
35. (When a spotlight shines on Gothel) How and where and why is there a sudden spotlight? The f*ck?!
36. Guy who obviously does NOT have the satchel suddenly has the satchel.
37. These horses have no choice but to do what the humans tell them tom so any orders relayed by horses are virtually null and void.
38. In a world where animals knows things and understand situations, this is a stupid move.
39. "Thing flying off a cliff just happens to snag on tiny tree branch" cliche.
40. (Rider tackles the horse) Horse-tackling.
41. By the way, What's Rider's plan once he grabs the bag? Does he think he'll be able to get back to the edge of the cliff without a murderous horse in his way? "Luckily" the branch breaks so he never has to answer the question.
42. (When the tree falls) They survive this.
43. Dead horse magically reanimates to life before our very eyes.
44. How did this asshole not die AND find the time to find a rock to hide behind? The both fell at the same time, right?
45. Also, since this horse can apparently track like a Blue Tick Hound, why did it not lead him straight to the rock? Either that, or you're telling me Rider found the time to ALSO leave a false trail after that fall.
46. Despite the fact that it's fairly well-hidden, I still can't believe no one from the kingdom ever found this place in 18 years. Like, they'll fire off lanterns on her birthday hoping she sees them, but can't scour enough land in that time to find a huge tower next to the waterfall?
47. You can climb stone towers by stabbing arrow heads into them... who knew?!
48. Also, pretty damn convenient he shows up while Rapunzel's overprotective witch mother is gone, right?
49. Thankfully, he stays knocked out for all of this, despite having awakened from the FIRST frying pan knock-out after about 20 seconds.
50. ("I'm gonna make hazelnut soup for dinner!") Hazelnut soup.
51. Despite never once being a characteristic of their relationship, Mother Gothel constantly interrupts Rapunzel so that she can turn REALLY evil and give Rapunzel second thoughts about how good her mother is.
52. Mom falls for the phony birthday request that takes 3 days' travel to get to.
53. (Rider falls out of the closet and faceplants on the floor) Uh, yeah, no, his face is completely broken.
54. Man, I hope she promises to do me. I mean... cartoon-do... Wait--s*it. I mean... I wanna squeeze'em!
55. Why is he CLIMBING down?! Why didn't she just lower him down with her hair?
56. Hey, where did the rest of her hair go?
57. Also, who untied her hair from the hook at the top of the tower?
58. This horse is half bloodhound. The real issue is, do I sin it for being cheap comedy, or for being actually related to the plot?
59. Also... it's been THREE days and this horse has been on a neverending sniff hunt for Rider the whole time!
60. So... Rapunzel's hair wouldn't have been long enough for use as a means in and out of this tower until she was at least 10 or more.
61. Wanted poster of person pictured does not necessarily mean that this is the person you're looking for.
62. Rapunzel's hair should be filled with grass, flowers, dirt, and bugs by now.
63. Somehow this distracts everyone from taking Rider and getting a reward. It's funny, but not realistic, and I demand realism from Disney fairy tale cartoons, dammit!
64. (Walks up to Rapunzel with axe, "I had a dream once.") This guy was done fighting the moment he said dream, but pulled out an axe and stalked over to her simply to surprise the audience.
65. Well, no since Mozart was an 18th Century composer and... what era is this? Like... Definitely way before Mozart right?
66. (Guy destroys some piano keys with his hook) This guy's hook literally destroys several piano keys, but then he just keeps playing, as though none of the notes he needed to play fell on now-destroyed keys.
67. (Gothel goes to the pub) This is definitely the first place I'D do after finding out my fake daughter was kidnapped.
68. ("I'm a lover, not a fighter!") I can understand SOME of these manly warrior beast dudes actually having a quaint, non-violent, domesticated ambition... but ALL of them?!?
69. This entire pub scene would have played out a WHOLE LOT differently in Westeros.
70. (Guy flips and crashes out the window) This asshole actually destroys a window with this sh*t.
71. Rapunzel's hair should have been trampled during this musical number. Hell, it should have burned in that fire back there.
72. ("I found the guards!") Witch mom totally does nothing for the entire two minutes of song, so that the guards can come in and cause an action sequence that keeps her and her daughter separated by plot!
73. (Maximus sniffing the ground) Oh lay off, Maximus. You suck, and you definitely suck at tracking. If you were on their trail you would have found them by now. You've had three days!
74. (Maximus points the secret door and neighs) Horses*it.
75. (Maximus pushes the lever) Damn, you even figure out the secret lever, too? When did you get good at this?
76. (Gothel just looks on near the window) Remember, ALL she cares about is staying young. To do that she needs to get her daughter back...so... what is she doing just spectating the last five minutes?!
77. (Maximus swordfights the frying pan-wielding Rider) I can buy a horse who can swordfight, certainly. But, I know at some point near the end, you're going to make the climax feel all life-or-death and consequence-y, and I'll be the guy raising my hand at the back, clearing my throat saying, "Ahem... sword-fighting horse."
78. ("You should know that this is the strangest thing I've ever done!") Said the guy who just improvised a solo verse of a spontaneous thug show-tune on the bar in the pub.
79. (Rider taunts the thugs as he hits his stomach on the ledge) That's a new stomach, spleen, intestines, and...probably some other vital s*it as well... huge hospital bill is huge.
80. (Maximus kicks the support beam repeatedly) Maximus decides that whatever this dam was built for, potentially flooding the valley down below is worth catching this one guy.
81. (Shows Rider surfing with his feet) Feet surfing.
82. (Valley about to be flooded) Way to go, Maximus You are one terrible f*cking horse, dude.
83. This flood washes everyone away, but doesn't actually injure or kill anyone.
84. This rock must have been pretty damn unstable to begin with for this amount of water at the base to completely topple the thing, right?
85. ("Let your power shine...*deep breath*) Magic hair has a delayed response in this single instance of the sing being sung. Because....drama!
86. Oh good, they found a possible exit. But the rocks are way too heavy to move before one drowns, so, technically they're still screwed. Right? I mean, right?
87. ("Once it's cut, it's turns brown and loses its power.") And stops growing, for some reason.
88. How come Rapunzel doesn't notice her mother's obvious aging between magic hair songs?
89. (Rider wakes up and sees Maximus) Maximus is so obsessed, he didn't even bother getting reinforcements to help catch this guy.
90. So, during an intricate musical number inside a tight bar, the hair is no problem. But now, in the open space of the kingdom, suddenly it's a problem.
91. (All Rapunzel's hair turn into a short manageable braided hair) All that f*ckin' hair from earlier is somehow contain in this.
92. ("It's for the lost princess...") Everyone...audience and main character included, totally knows what's up...But movie still has 40 more minutes of some kind of bullsh*t for you.
93. Random girl no one has ever seen before and looks exactly like the child who was kidnapped 18 years ago does not arouse any suspicions.
94. What the f*ck is going on? They're dancing. now they're hiding from guards and earing cupcakes, dancing the same dance, now they're f*cking up a library, still dancing... Are they in several places at once?
95. The director said, let's have Maximus eat 14 apples, it'll make him look like 14 assholes.
96. It's hard to believe that a king and queen this kind and caring have an absolute disaster of human beings working for them.
97. (A lot of lanterns released form the boats) Each of these boats is releasing more lanterns than the boat has room for people, even if every person released two lanterns.
98. (Rider hold two lanterns) He definitely didn't have two fragile lanterns when they boarded the boat.
99. Mother Gothel's plan entirely rides on the hope that Rider sees the twins from a boat she couldn't possibly have known he would be on.
100. ("Is everything okay?") Rapunzel asks this instead of turning around to see whatever troubling thing he so obviously looking at until said troubling thing has gone out of sight.
101. Rapunzel just believes the evil twins' story after one glance at a distant boat on a foggy ass evening.
102. (The boat hits the the docks and 2 guards notices) This is the first time these f*cking guards have noticed anything.
103. ("Rider is taken away by the guards while yelling "Rapunzel!" And also shows Maximus' concern of them) This horse hated Flynn and was part of the team chasing him to begin with, but after a few short hours of spending time with Flynn and Rapunzel, the horse has concern for Rapunzel's safety.
104. Also, the HORSE HAS CONCERN!
105. ("Let's get this over with Rider.") Oh damn, this Disney fairy tale cartoon REALLY got dark.
106. (Where are we going?") It's pretty hard to believe the king king and queen are not only caring and good, but also believe in hanging people for thievery.
107. (I'm making hazelnut soup...") Hazelnut soup.
108. Look, if the mural you saw with the child that could only be you didn't jog your memory, then these patterns you've been subliminally drawing all these years definitely wouldn't have.
109. Is... the movie suggesting Rapunzel REMEMBERS that mobile and her parents above her crib?
110. (Rider tackles 2 guards) Did I mentions that these guards are the worst possible people at their jobs?
111. Also, despite the fact that we saw plenty of other guards at the beginning of this scene, they decide that the unruly prisoner is best left to the guys who got beat up, and offered no help whatsoever.
112. Rapunzel believes that the truly evil not-mother who has been holding her in this tower for 18 years and concocted a devious plan to get her back after escaping will just let her walk out with no problem.
113. (Rider notices tiny pony figurine) The dudes back at the Snugly Duckling did not give two sh*ts about Rider, but somehow a horse was able to convince them to stage a daring escape for him because...love? And the horse passed English in college?
114. This movie is basically challenging me to hate it right now.
115. (Mime looks shocked and looks at the audience) Also, mine breaks the 4th wall with direct-to-camera reaction shot.
116. Okay, even if these idiots could somehow have calculated the exact trajectory and distance of this jump thing...how the f*ck did they communicate with the horse to let him know how to do his part and where to be?
117. (Rider lands on the horse, unscathed) Also, his balls are crushed now, but whatever.
118. ("You brought them here?") I'm sure it took a serious amount of horse charades with another musical number to tell these dumb criminals exactly what he needed.
119. ("We are going where no-one, will ever find you again!") Why didn't you just do that in the first place? Why was she tied up in her room if you didn't already plan on doing that anyway?
120. ("I will never, stop trying to get away of you! But, if you let me save him, I will go with you.") Contradictory statements.
121. (Gothel shackles Rider's arm while saying "In case you get any ideas of following us.") Who's going to take off his shackles, then?
122. Flynn cuts a girl's hair without her foreknowledge or permission. S*it, I know why he does it, and it works, but...still...rob a girl of her special power and cut her hair all in one fell swoop? Dick move.
123. Random, hair-cutting, mirror shard, integral with the entire plot, just happens to be within Rider's reach so he can do this.
124. Also, couldn't you have done this AFTER getting healed?
125. Why does the witch rapidly age after the hair is cut off? She brushes it and sings and it makes her young... then...she slowly ages until she does that s*it all over again. But this ending suggest just being proximity to the hair does great deal to keep one looking young... largely canceling out the power of the brushing and song bit.
126. (Rapunzel's chameleon pulls Rapunzel's excess hair and trips Gothel out of the window) This chameleon straight up murders a bitch.
127. If this had been Maximus or Rider, this fall wouldn't have hurt one bit.
128. After a movie where the only magic is hair, a magic tear will now swoop in and steal the movie. Because...Disney. I guess it's "True Love's Tear," right?
129. This guy told us he was dead, and guess what---just joking! He Obiwaned us with tricky language so there could be a surprise. if Rapunzel's tears can heal, then surely her hair can still grow blond instead of this hideous, hideous non-healing and worthless brown hair.
130. Neither the king nor the queen say one damn word this whole movie.
131. All is well! And we got to skip all the diaper-changing all all those awkward years! Huzzah!
132. ("That guy went on and become the most famous concert pianist in the world!") I don't!
133. ("And this guy, eventually found true love!") Just not with this chick!
134. ("Because of Maximus, crime in the kingdom disappeared almost overnight.") Wrong!
135. ("As of most of the apples".) Because he's an asshole!
136. Hopefully she changed the guard hiring policies, though.
137. ("I finally said yes". "Eugene....") After staying silent for the entire movie, Rapunzel shows up to help narrate the end. Was she just sitting quietly listening to Flynn tell the whole story without ONCE interjecting to correct him as she does here? I think not!
138. (Cupid guy floats up) Despite the movie's best efforts, I still kind of hate this guy.

Movie Sin Tally

Movie Sin Tally: 138

Sentence: Strangled