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The EWW episode to the 1999 movie Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Transcript Edit

  1. Man, I cannot WAIT to find out what happened to Luke and Han and Leia after Return of the J--- Episode 1? EPISODE 1!? Does that mean the story is going backwards literally and figuratively!?
  2. Also, reading.
  3. ALSO, I didn't read any of that s*it, let alone comprehend it.
  4. A New Hope's first scene? Battle of Vader overtaking Leia's ship. Empire's first scene? Hoth battle. ROTJ's first scene? Tatooine rescue. But this movie's first scene? Political ambassadors part of an envoy to talk about trade blockades.
  5. Funny---since the days of Episode IV---which is technically AFTER this movie's events, how much extra technology this era has over its successor.
  6. When our high-ranking political guests have to walk at the slow-ass pace of a droid like this...maybe we've taken the "robot workers" concept too far.
  7. COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
  8. Also, Liam Neeson isn't killing anyone in this scene.
  9. Also, goddammit, this stupid-ass rat tail. I thought various ponytails were for either preventing hair from getting in the way or to be cool. This is neither. Discuss.
  10. <sighs>
  11. Why would the Chancellor send obvious Jedi to the Trade Federation when it's pretty obvious they would never agree to enter the same room with them? Sending Jedi to something like this is almost like declaring war. At least make them not dress like Jedi so it can be a surprise.
  12. Because killing Jedi is easy. We're on it, boss.
  13. Can you send gas to just one room when you feed it into the air conditioning system? Or was this room created by SPECTRE to execute people you don't like on a whim?
  14. Not only does this asshole NOT wait long enough for the Jedi to be dead, but he also thinks dead Jedi need further destruction.
  15. These motherf*ckers had these Jedi in here all alone, with pretty much nowhere to go. The room is filled with gas. They had no reason to open this door AT ALL. Even if you think they might lightsaber their way through the door, why not just have your droids waiting to gun them down as they did that?
  16. Robot soldiers have corporals?!
  17. Here's your action in a nutshell--Jedi mowing down mindless minions, making a mockery of middling mechanisms.
  18. You might be expecting me to sin these characters' obviously racist accents. And, fine, I will.
  19. But, I'm more interested in sinning how an advanced ship like this could POSSIBLY lose ALL transmission from the affected area. You don't have a back-up camera or hallway gear?
  20. Why not just do that for the whole army? What did this exactly do anyway? Are they dead? Unconscious? Are we about to see them "REBOOT" like all terminators do?
  21. All this destruction and there isn't any smoke, scratch marks, burns, or anything marking a battle took place other than some ruined droids? If you want to know why subconsciously you were hating this movie, it's little details like that.
  22. Did someone open a dusty chest where this spare droid was just lying around? "Fly, my pretty. FLY!"
  23. This guy doesn't understand what "impossible" means. Or "Jedi!!"
  24. This movie suddenly becomes like a video game where the bad guys send new enemies for the hero to fight, but just two of them, so the game doesn't get too challenging too fast.
  25. Are they watching this footage in the door that was nearly melted by Qui-Gon just a second ago?
  26. Quick! Shoot some gas in there!
  27. I see they applied Natalie Portman's "bored" makeup. Oh wait . . . that's not makeup!?
  28. What?! do you not know about asteroids and other space anomalies? Are communications ALWAYS perfect for you assholes?!
  29. You're still talking about this? Why didn't this movie start off with Jedi doing real Jedi things, with the political theater firmly in the background? who gives a s*it about this stuff?
  30. But i WILL condone this hairdo i'm sporting. . . which surely cost GOBS of government dollars, but whatever.
  31. I'm guessing in 2019, George Lucas will want to add some more lizards to this shot so that it will finally be complete.
  32. This is basically Jurassic Avatar.
  33. So look, of course, we're going to raise the sin total by one hundred, just because of Jar Jar Binks.
  34. But, as we all know, Jar Jar is just a symptom of a far greater evil going on with these movies, blissfully unaware of what makes a positive impact.
  35. Glad we could see this camera follow this chunk of sprites falling to the ground to add to our enjoyment.
  36. I think this movie's "discount Dagobah scene" was so cheap it might as well be from Spaceballs.
  37. Jedi can only go underwater via the help of some s*it they stole from Q at MI6.
  38. Jar Jar is the friendliest Song of the South character of the modern era.
  39. Yousa in big dudu dis time.
  40. You can see it, right? The green-screen studio Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson are standing in?
  41. Wait, I thought Naboo was the name of the PLANET?!?!
  42. It appears that the Gungans and the Naboo are completely separate from each other---these guys live in what is basically a secret underwater city and do fine without one another, so I don't get it.
  43. This place is basically Earth, right? The planet core isn't going to be ridiculously hot or anything? OK . . .

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