EWW video The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie featuring Alex Wroblewski airs April 24, 2018.

Everything Wrong With The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie

Transcript Edit


Hit Sound: 3 times (on black screen)


with Alex Wroblewski

BELOW: In Treasure of Minutes!



  1. 35 seconds for two logos, high mountain, Nickelodeon, boom! You're done in 2 seconds if you had no ego.
  2. Also, Viacom, a company of the mountain companies, we don't depend on 90 years of filmmaking which we don't see that.
  3. Also also, Nickelodeon Movies, but frankly, I made a decision about Nickelodeon, and that is because you worked hard on every movie you're looking for!
  4. (text credit "A United Plankton Pictures Production" is shown) Hell yeah, United Plankton Pictures! Also, there are several things wrong with that, but mainly "In Association With United Plankton Pictures".
  5. Also, 12 seconds of opening credits.
  6. (when pirates shout "Dinghy off the port bow!") Pirate calling.
  7. (pirate searches tickets inside the treasure chest) Treasure hunting.
  8. ("Tickets to the SpongeBob Movie!") Roll credits!
  9. 90 seconds of theme song.
  10. Were they just sailing the Surf Theatre? Why not Hollywood or Red Carpet?
  11. (French Narrator describes three words in the first lines) Bikini Bottom Atoll in the first lines describe "mysterious", "beautiful" and "wet", because they are different types of the ocean.
  12. Also, frencharration.
  13. ("BACK UP! BACK UP!") "Narration is stopped by a bunch of fish cops" cliché.
  14. (when SpongeBob holds the cheese) Wait, hold up. Was SpongeBob holding cheese before ordering it to the customer? Because SpongeBob hasn't ordered a Krusty Krab burger for like, months.
  15. (when SpongeBob starts his whole day) This whole montage.
  16. (Patrick says loved being purple) "Pink starfish dressed himself before introducing at the ceremony" trope.
  17. ("…from A to Y.") Wait a minute. A to Y? I know this is a kind of thing you gave for a dictionary, but that evil cucumber Plankton didn't know what "A to Y" is. Why is he even searching?
  18. (while Plankton searches the cabinet for Plan Z) Sure, most of the kids know the last letter in the cabinet while Plankton lost it.
  19. Also, Plan Z.
  20. "Yellow main character accidentally steps on a main protagonist" cliché.
  21. (when Mr. Krabs whispers quietly in SpongeBob's ear) Mr. Krabs didn't forget his lines, I knew where he didn't forget his lines in this movie. He's having an election right next to Krusty Krab 2!
  22. "Pink starfish flying naked with a banner on his butt" cliché.
  23. ("Let's hear it for SpongeBob! Hello? Where did everybody go? Did you miss something? Did you see my butt?") Um, no. That pink starfish didn't hear anything about his butt. Because that yellow guy got away.
  24. I knew the Crown Polisher had accepted Neptune like in the different episode "Neptune's Spatula", there is actually a different name.
  25. ("What the? My crown! Someone has stolen the royal crown!") No, you did not! Because that evil cucumber is a thief!
  26. You hear that, friends? The clock is the announcer!
  27. This whole montage of the Goofy Goober Bar.
  28. ("Listen to me. It's 8 in the morning. Go scrape up your friend and get going.") That's R-A-C-I-S-T, racist.
  29. ("Stay in the coach, daughter.") Is Mindy a female antagonist? I knew that mermaid lived in a Disney movie for ages, so why not Ariel? That seems like a weird name for a female gender.
  30. ("I'm on fire!") No, you're not. Because Neptune used a weapon of fire for lying to a f*cking king. Because an evil cucumber liked Plan Z all day. Man, Neptune is an asshole.
  31. ("Bald! Bald! Bald!" "My eyes!") Dude, I meant to say "my leg", you know. Please, don't get my eyes burned. I tell ya."
  32. ("He could do it in 9!" "8!" "7!" "6!" "6 it is, then.") Was Neptune even counting down the days to close down Krusty Krab? You said "10", not "6".
  33. (when Mr. Krabs strangles Patrick) "Why you little…"
  34. Also, red crab strangles a pink starfish.
  35. Where can you call this Patty Wagon? These protagonists had opened a garage in 10 months where Neptune told Mr. Krabs to close down. So why the hell would you build a Patty Wagon?
  36. (title "Ker-Patty" is shown) Hey, that is NOT a kids movie, that's a comic effect like film, not a comic movie. That's like using the word "Karate" instead of "Ker-Patty", so don't take karate with a patty, CinemaSins 100, Nickelodeon 0, and let's move on. (Adds 100 sins up to 136)
  37. ("Out of the car, fellas.") Fish burglar.
  38. (when Dennis takes off their brothers' mouths to stop laughing) "Evil villain removes his mouth privileges" cliché.
  39. Also, Dennis.
  40. Thug Tug.
  41. Why are they even having fun playing bubbles in a public restroom?
  42. ("DJ! Turn it up louder!") That's...racist?
  43. ("Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here.") I know! That yellow guy went away again. Because the squid guy decide to take a day off by itself.
  44. ("Some people have no taste in headgear.") Dude, you can't taste them in while wearing headgears. It's not good enough.
  45. ("Babies too?") Or like, nephews. Of course.
  46. ("Chum Bucket? Free? Krabby Patty? Plankton? Giving? With?") Six syllables.
  47. ("All hail Plankton!") Why are the citizens even wearing buckets on their heads? Even, Robots!
  48. ("We lost our car again." "Well never mind the car, where's the road? (echoes the word "road") Sorry.") I know. Because the Patty Wagon is gone forever. The first time the fish thief told someone to get out, and second, it's eaten by a long monster.
  49. Also, "pink starfish echoes the word "road" over and over again" cliché.
  50. ("Hazardous.") Dude, "hazardous" isn't a word. You may only use "wizard-errific" or use "news-istic". Never use that in a kids movie again.
  51. ("Monster-infested.") That's monster-cist.
  52. ("Let's face it, Patrick. We're…kids." "We're not kids!") Are you telling me that Patrick doesn't like being a kid? He's a starfish, not a child. Man, you are so irritated.
  53. ("Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.") Dude, you are a sponge. And besides, a pink starfish is nude.
  54. Why do these characters have green mustaches for bushes?
  55. (when Patrick says "Are we dead?") Actually, you two are still alive.
  56. Also, that's racist, because you landed on a vine after jumping off, not landing on to commit suicide.
  57. Unnecessary music number.
  58. These characters jump over platforms inside a volcano and not lava.
  59. Wait. Is that monster trying to eat of what's not food? Because they are doing a rhythm. I liked this song.
  60. "Song interrupted by a villain's boot" trope.
  61. "Villain tries to step on the characters" trope.
  62. ("This will only hurt a lot! I love this job!" "Bigger boot.") Man, that's the end of Dennis, right?
  63. Also, bigger boot.
  64. ("It's the Cyclops!") Man, that is a creepy breathing sound effect like Darth Vader.
  65. Also, Cyclops.
  66. (when Patrick says "Are we dead?" again) No, you're not. You're inside the water right now.
  67. ("Artificially colored rocks?") Three words.
  68. ("Glue? Google eyes?") Two nouns.
  69. ("Alexander Clam Bell?!") Wait, hold on. Did the Cyclops made a creation of Alexander Clam Bell? Dude, this thing is made into a science project into glue and google eyes, not when Cyclops is a scientist. S*it.
  70. ("The heat is so intense from this lamp and I can't move.") If you can't move, why not wait for the lamp to cool off?
  71. ("You mean, we're not gonna "get the crown, save the town and Mr. Krabs?") Dude, you already sang that with the scary monsters after the Patty Wagon gone missing.
  72. ("Look at this sign. Shell City: Marine Gifts and Sundries") Wow. I never heard of a sign of Shell City before.
  73. Also, reading.
  74. ("That's the end of SpongeBob. Come here, you!") How It Should Have Ended. It describes five words for an alternative ending.
  75. "Teardrop connects the plug to electrocute" cliché.
  76. (A Wilhelm Scream sound effect is heard) Shell Cityhelm Scream.
  77. Man, what a way these characters how to lift Neptune's crown.
  78. Remember this time you ripped off the episode "The Sponge Who Could Fly"? It's impossible about the spoiler alert for not finding a remote.
  79. "Bag flies away and lands in the sea" cliché.
  80. ("I can take you there.") Hey, that's no lifeguard. That's a surfer!
  81. Also, David Hasselhoff.
  82. ("Where's your boat?" "Boat? (laughs)") Dude, David doesn't have a boat, he can swim by himself.
  83. ("March 14th? Wait. That's not right. It should say "The day that Krabs fries!") That's sea-cist.
  84. Also, March 14th.
  85. ("Alright Neptune, let's get it on!") Keep playing the hit, Plankton.
  86. Dennis comes back to take off his sunglasses after getting stepped on by Cyclops.
  87. (when Dennis almost stabs David's butt) Geez, that will hurt.
  88. ("No. I'm tired of running. If we run now, we'll never stop…") Never stop from where? From Shell City?
  89. Maybe SpongeBob jumped over his feet and went to the Prometheus School of Running Away From Things.
  90. How did SpongeBob earn 5 Goober dollars? That cost a lot of money here.
  91. ("I got bubbles. Fun at parties.") Not shocked there are bubbles at parties, they should've used a bottle instead of playing them in the public restroom.
  92. ("That's it! I'm through messing around! See you later, fools!") "Evil villain defeated by a bigger boat" cliché.
  93. ("Eugene Krabs, the time has come…" "…for you…" "…to fry!") Neptune is unable to fry Krabs, when David's chests came out for a countdown to launch the characters to rush back to Krusty Krab.
  94. ("You done good, Hasselhoff. You done… (fired by Neptune) ow.") "Hasselhoff defeated by the flames" cliché.
  95. ("SpongeBob, what happened?" "Plankton cheated.") No, he did NOT! Plankton did not cheat anybody. SpongeBob cheated Dennis for giving bubbles.
  96. ("No, not because I cheated. Because I'm an evil genius!") Is THAT your name? It costs 99% of gas and 50% of seaweed.
  97. Man, yellow sponges do know about the election of speech about the alternative ending about Shell City.
  98. (while SpongeBob is doing a rock parody of "I Wanna Rock" by Twisted Sister for "Goofy Goober Rock") Do you remember when this movie ripped off Dee Snider from Twisted Sister? Remember when sponges where cool glasses in that rock song? How'd he know not to say anything about Dee Snider performing a rock song?
  99. (when SpongeBob blows up the wall freeing the toys) Dude, you meant to say "no way", but you said that in a children's movie.
  100. Why does starfish even grow legs?
  101. Is this a "Gigolo" reference? Keeping doing that song, man.
  102. ("His dance moves are impressive, but I'm in control. Seize him!") Where did he get his headphones? This cartoon didn't exist anywhere in a kids movie!
  103. ("I'm free! I've been freed!") "Main wizard actor blasts the helmets to free all citizens" cliché.
  104. ("His chops are too righteous. The helmets can't handle this level of rock and roll!") I know, because SpongeBob removed all the citizen's helmets with a guitar weapon, because an evil cucumber even has headphones to ignore the rock song, and unable to stop.
  105. "Cops arrest an evil cucumber" cliche.
  106. Wait. Is Mr. Krabs a human? Because Neptune accidentally set the "human" button for a real boy when he is supposed to be a crab.
  107. ("Hooray for SpongeBob!") I knew it. These citizens because two Krusty Krabs in harmony! Because it's nominated for Krusty Krab 2!
  108. 80 seconds of end credits.
  109. Wait, Stephen Hillenburg directed this? There are also several things wrong with that too, but mainly "Produced and Directed by Stephen Hillenburg".
  110. Is it just me or is it when Jerzy Zielinski took a shot of the video?
  111. Wait a minute, where the f*ck's the "Casting by" credit?
  112. Hey, Tim Hill is a film director, not a story editor. Keep up with it!
  113. 7 minutes and 30 seconds of more end credits with the images of tide waves.
  114. ("You know, David Hasselhoff is a great artist.") Hey, remember when there are two different types of ending when they didn't exist? So we're doing a post-credit scene in Nickelodeon now?
  115. (The pirates leave) "Thank you for watching Surf Theatre" cliché.
  116. Also, 4 Mountain Peak seconds of closing logos! We get it, Mr. Blue Mountain!
  117. Also also, I'm guessing that the still Paramount logo is just a well proven mountain logo, I'm making a decision between the 90th Anniversary variation in 2002 for a difference between Hey Arnold: The Movie! and not the Jimmy Neutron movie, but no time to see this.

Movie Sin Tally: 116

Sentence: The Truth about Krabby Patties ("You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy." by Mr. Krabs, from a Robot Chicken episode "Spongebob Krabby Patties")