Everything Wrong With Shrek In 13 Minutes Or Less13:52

Everything Wrong With Shrek In 13 Minutes Or Less

Video description: For some reason, we haven't done Shrek yet. Well, that's getting remedied today! Here are all the sins we could find in the original Shrek movie (can you believe there are 4 of these things?!).

Transcript Edit

  1. There are two Ks, two Es, and two Rs in this logo, but they don't get any special Shrek treatment. This logo is racist against, like, 80% of the qualified alphabet!
  2. 8 seconds of a book not opening and then finally opening. You could win a bull-riding contest in that amount of time!
  3. (Shrek starts narrating) Narreading.
  4. Shrek tears out one page, but the story in the book skips ahead ALL the way to the wedding of the Princess and the Knight.
  5. (Shrek is revealed to be in an outhouse) It took only 90 seconds for this movie to get to its first sh*t joke. Also, by dramatically crumpling this page, he just made extra work for himself to make it viable toilet paper.
  6. Also, Shrek apparently depends on books to wipe his ass.
  7. Also, movie literally wipes its ass on fairy tales, informing us this is going to be a NEW, FRESH, SUBVERSIVE take on the genre... that will need 3 sequels and a spin-off.
  8. Also, why does Shrek even need an outhouse?
  9. Apparently the medieval outhouse has working plumbing with a flushing toilet.
  10. (Shrek barges through the outhouse door as "All Star" starts) Smash Mouth.
  11. Also, the song "All Star", by which the word "ubiquitous" was nearly replaced by a Muzak version of this song in all the dictionaries of the world.
  12. I guess the fact that Shrek bathes in mud or sh*t or something is supposed to be like one of those Addams Family jokes where their pleasures come from awful things, but I can't figure out why a guy who likes to bathe in mud would even bother going through all this work to do it.
  13. (Shrek farts into a pond, resulting in a dead fish rising to the surface) That's right kids, there are TWO fart and poop jokes in the first two minutes. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?
  14. If there are several notices out for rewarding folks for finding and killing the ogre, why the hell would Shrek advertise his exact location no matter how terrifying he thinks he is?
  15. (Shrek burps into a match to light a fire) Well, we've seen sh*tting, farting, and burping in the movie's first 3 minutes, and with Cameron Diaz voicing a character I'm sure we'll see semen in the hair later.
  16. (Shrek tells the ogre hunters, "Well, actually, that would be a giant.") Any reason the ogre is Scottish? Hey, I liked SNL, So I Married an Axe Murderer, and Fat Bastard just as much as anybody, but f*ck, man, does everything have to be Scottish? Yeah, yeah, I know, "If it's not Scottish, it's crap." I laughed at that a long time ago. Does it have to be the reason?
  17. (Shrek whispers to the village folk that this is the part where they run away) Yeah, but... don't you guys have pitchforks and rakes and stuff? I mean, sure, the torches are toast, but Jesus, these guys don't even take a swing at him.
  18. (a poster is seen reading "'Wanted: Fairytale Creatures'?") Can we pause for a second and ask why an ogre who lives by himself in medieval times can read? Ok, carry on.
  19. Also, I guess these villagers are a trusting lot, since there's no amount listed on the REWARD notice. If they bring in an ogre, the banker will just be all, "Hey, thanks! You win a set of steak knives!"
  20. (the Captain of the Guards gives Geppetto five shillings for Pinocchio) I know we're making fun of Disney here, but we're seriously gonna believe Geppetto sells Pinocchio for five f*cking shillings? The witch got 20 pieces of silver, so he could totally get at LEAST 50 on the black market, especially since his face is plastered on a wanted poster.
  21. How is it possible all the fairytale characters on these wanted posters all got captured all in the same day?
  22. Shrek is posting signs literally steps away from the Fairy Tale Death Camp Roundup.
  23. (Captain says "By the order of Lord Farquaad...") Whoa, whoa... "Farquaad?" I know this is the kind of double-entendre you put in a movie for adults... but who wants their kid going around saying "Farquaad" whenever they want?
  24. (Donkey mentions "strong gases eking outta my butt") In THIS fairy tale, every character has to mention their anus at least once.
  25. (Shrek tells the Three Blind Mice to get out of his house when Snow White's coffin rolls into the room) I understand the Blind Mice could sneak in, but how the hell did the rest of these characters get in here without Shrek seeing them? He's having dinner RIGHT by the door.
  26. (Shrek yells, "What are you doing IN MY SWAMP?!?!") Yeah, that's an excellent question. I don't care how magic these f*ckers are, there's no way they had time to build up an entire camp, light fires, and settle down while Shrek made dinner. AND without him hearing. I mean, Jesus, the Old Woman that Lived in the Shoe brought her f*cking SHOE HOUSE.
  27. (Shrek says Donkey's coming with him on the quest to find Farquaad) Even though Shrek clearly doesn't like Donkey, he lets him tag along for whatever reason. All Donkey has to say is "Farquaad is in the castle", and that would be enough, but we need comic hijinks dammit!

Movie Sin Tally: 103

Sentence: Counseling from the Love Guru

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