Video description: For some reason, we haven't done Shrek yet. Well, that's getting remedied today! Here are all the sins we could find in the original Shrek movie (can you believe there are 4 of these things?!).
|Movie Sin Counter||Sentence||Movie Sin Timer|
|01||Jeremy: There are two Ks, two Es, and two Rs in this logo, but they don't get any special Shrek treatment. This logo is racist against, like, 80% of the qualified alphabet!||00:06|
|02||Jeremy: 8 seconds of a book not opening and then finally opening. You could win a bull-riding contest in that amount of time!||00:11|
|03||(Shrek starts narrating)|
|04||Jeremy: Shrek tears out one page, but the story in the book skips ahead ALL the way to the wedding of the Princess and the Knight.||00:17|
|05||("Like that's never going to happen!")|
Jeremy: It took only 90 seconds for this movie to get to its first sh*t joke. Also, by dramatically crumpling this page, he just made extra work for himself to make it viable toilet paper.
|06||Jeremy: Also, Shrek apparently depends on books to wipe his ass.||00:29|
|07||Jeremy: Also, movie literally wipes its ass on fairy tales, informing us this is going to be a NEW, FRESH, SUBVERSIVE take on the genre... that will need 3 sequels and a spin-off.||00:37|
|08||Jeremy: Also, why does Shrek even need an outhouse?||00:39|
|09||Jeremy: Apparently the medieval outhouse has working plumbing with a flushing toilet.||00:43|
|10||Jeremy: (Shrek barges through the outhouse door as "All Star" starts) Smash Mouth.||00:46|
|11||Jeremy: Also, the song "All Star", by which the word "ubiquitous" was nearly replaced by a Muzak version of this song in all the dictionaries of the world.||00:53|
|12||Jeremy: I guess the fact that Shrek bathes in mud or sh*t or something is supposed to be like one of those Addams Family jokes where their pleasures come from awful things, but I can't figure out why a guy who likes to bathe in mud would even bother going through all this work to do it.||01:02|
|13||Jeremy: (Shrek farts into a pond, resulting in a dead fish rising to the surface) That's right kids, there are TWO fart and poop jokes in the first two minutes. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?||01:08|
|14||Jeremy: If there are several notices out for rewarding folks for finding and killing the ogre, why the hell would Shrek advertise his exact location no matter how terrifying he thinks he is?||01:15|
|15||Jeremy: (Shrek burps into a match to light a fire) Well, we've seen sh*tting, farting, and burping in the movie's first 3 minutes, and with Cameron Diaz voicing a character I'm sure we'll see semen in the hair later.||01:23|
|16||("Well actually, that would be a giant.")|
Jeremy: Any reason the ogre is Scottish? Hey, I liked SNL, So I Married an Axe Murderer, and Fat Bastard just as much as anybody, but f*ck, man, does everything have to be Scottish? Yeah, yeah, I know, "If it's not Scottish, it's crap." I laughed at that a long time ago. Does it have to be the reason?
|17||("This is the part where you run away.")|
Jermey: Yeah, but... don't you guys have pitchforks and rakes and stuff? I mean, sure, the torches are toast, but Jesus, these guys don't even take a swing at him.
|18||(""Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures".")|
Jeremy: Can we pause for a second and ask why an ogre who lives by himself in medieval times can read? Ok, carry on.
|19||Jeremy: Also, I guess these villagers are a trusting lot, since there's no amount listed on the REWARD notice. If they bring in an ogre, the banker will just be all, "Hey, thanks! You win a set of steak knives!"||02:02|
|20||Jeremy: (the Captain of the Guards gives Geppetto five shillings for Pinocchio) I know we're making fun of Disney here, but we're seriously gonna believe Geppetto sells Pinocchio for five f*cking shillings? The witch got 20 pieces of silver, so he could totally get at LEAST 50 on the black market, especially since his face is plastered on a wanted poster.||02:15|
|21||Jeremy: How is it possible all the fairytale characters on these wanted posters all got captured all in the same day?||02:19|
|22||Jeremy: Shrek is posting signs literally steps away from the Fairy Tale Death Camp Roundup.||02:23|
|23||("By the order of Lord Farquaad.")|
Jeremy: Whoa, whoa... "Farquaad?" I know this is the kind of double-entendre you put in a movie for adults... but who wants their kid going around saying "Farquaad" whenever they want?
|24||("I had some strong gases eeking out of my butt that day.")|
Jeremy: In THIS fairy tale, every character has to mention their anus at least once.
|25||("What are you doing in my house? [Snow White's coffin is on the table] Hey!")|
Jeremy: I understand the Blind Mice could sneak in, but how the hell did the rest of these characters get in here without Shrek seeing them? He's having dinner RIGHT by the door!
|26||("WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!?!")|
Jeremy: Yeah, that's an excellent question. I don't care how magic these f*ckers are, there's no way they had time to build up an entire camp, light fires, and settle down while Shrek made dinner. AND without him hearing. I mean, Jesus, the Old Woman that Lived in the Shoe brought her f*cking SHOE HOUSE!
|27||("You're coming with me.")|
Jeremy: Even though Shrek clearly doesn't like Donkey, he lets him tag along for whatever reason. All Donkey has to say is "Farquaad is in the castle", and that would be enough, but we need comic hijinks dammit!
|28||("Tell me! Where are the others?")|
Jeremy: Didn't Farquaad just evict and displace like hundreds, maybe thousands of fairy tale creatures? But the Gingerbread Man is supposed to know the whereabouts of everyone else? Wouldn't torturing those other prisoners cast a wider net?
(spits at Farquaad's eye)
Jeremy: Sure, it's offensive. But I bet that spit tastes DELICIOUS!
|30||("Please welcome Cinderella.")|
Jeremy: How would marrying Cinderella make him a king? Cinderella is not a princess! Unless the whole story of Cinderella has already been told the Magic Mirror is suggesting that Farquaad steal her from some other kingdom's prince after they get married.
|31||("Okay. Uh...Number 3!")|
Jeremy: Who picks the girl in a castle surrounded by molten lava and a dragon to be their queen, even if you're gonna just pawn the job off on someone else?
|32||("But I probably shouldn't mention the little thing that happens at night...")|
Jeremy: Somehow, Magic Mirror decides to withhold the most important information about Princess Fiona during the "Dating Game" spoof. You know, because of comedy and because it'll be a big surprise later.
|33||("Ah...that's the place.")|
("Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?")
Jeremy: So this is obviously Disneyland, and Farquaad is obviously some representation of Michael Eisner, in a movie made by a studio headed by Jeffrey Katzenberg. "Shrek" is like an ex-girlfriend bitching about how lame and stupid her ex-boyfriend was, but secretly wants to get back with him.
|34||Jeremy: Medieval castle has fully functional speaker system, but still relies on fire for light.||04:17|
|35||(the Duloc people are making a song about why Duloc is a perfect place)|
Jeremy: Of COURSE the tiny welcome dolls have a butthole reference ready!
|36||("What is that?")|
Jeremy: Luckily a CGI character rendered in the early 21st century had identical "shocked" faces.
|37||("The one who kills the ogre will be named champion!")|
Jeremy: That's perfect motivation, but from what we've seen this movie. NO ONE is brave enough to take on Shrek for any reason. In fact, I'm shocked the entire arena didn't start running in a mass panic when they saw him walk through.
|38||Jeremy: What the f*ck is a giant beer keg doing in the middle of an arena?||04:45|
|39||Jeremy: Knights on the left must have passed out from the alcohol fumes, because they definitely weren't affected by the spray of the keg.||04:49|
|40||Jeremy: Good thing this horse pen, which is in the middle of an arena by the way, has wrestling-ring-style ropes.||04:54|
|41||Jeremy: Crowd cheers a hideous ogre assaulting their OWN MEN because he has a good finishing move.||04:58|
|42||Jeremy: Donkey makes the climb up this sheer rock despite having no opposable thumbs or working digits.||05:02|
|43||Jeremy: If you're an evil dragon with the castle, why would you even HAVE a bridge over your fire moat? Or if you stole this castle, why not just burn the bridge? Is it for the pizza delivery guy?||05:09|
|44||Jeremy: Also, looking at the impossible nature of this place, I wonder how they got supplies here so that Princess Fiona wouldn't die while being help captive?||05:15|
|45||("That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.")|
Jeremy: That's a Gordy reference right there. I feel so smart when I get it.
|46||Jeremy: Come on, how the sh*t does Shrek fit that knight's helmet over his giant head and why would he need except for the dramatic reveal a few minutes later?||05:27|
|47||Jeremy: Even though the dragon has Donkey right in its path, she forgot the match to light her convenient fire breath.||05:31|
|48||Jeremy: Thanks to extremely real physics that occur in everyday life, Shrek gets thrown straight into Fiona's room so the quest could be more convenient.||05:37|
|49||Jeremy: And yeah, he's an animated ogre from a fairy tale and all, but still...he survives this.||05:41|
|50||Jeremy: Given the amount of carnage in front of the castle, I assume the dragon usually makes short work of her prey, but it takes her FOREVER, to ever be in POSITION to kill Donkey.||05:48|
|51||("You're---a "girl dragon"!")|
Jeremy: Of course she is! All females of every species have lovely lashes! AND they're all susceptible to flattery! And dragons can be attracted to donkeys! Why not?
|52||("You didn't slay the dragon?" "It's on my "to-do" list, now come on!" "But this isn't right!")|
Jeremy: Fiona TOTALLY saw Shrek falling through the ceiling into her room, but apparently thought this is how it supposed to happen until it was explained to her.
|53||Jeremy: This is cute and all, but it would've taken either a dragon with excellent penmanship or someone working for the dragon. That would later die violently to write this sh*t!||06:16|
|54||Jeremy: Also, this dragon needs a cookbook for the knights she eats. Seeing as how the movie has already shown plenty of dead knights lying around the castle with their limbs strewn about, I highly doubt this dragon needs a cookbook or prepares food in any proper way! Or wait...is that what she feeds Fiona?||06:28|
|55||Jeremy: What the hell is a dragon gonna do with all this gold? It's not like she's gonna go to town and plop down $50 for a handbag!||06:33|
|56||(Shrek is accidentally kicked in the groin)|
Jeremy: Mike Myers character gets hit in the balls. "Example 3,567".
|57||Jeremy: The dragon's fire breathing can easily reach Shrek and his friends, but for some reason she's suddenly become frigid.||06:44|
|58||Jeremy: Princess Fiona apparently has Lois Lane disease where she could see Shrek's ogre face through what was basically an open helmet.||06:49|
|59||("here's Bloodnut the Flatulent! You could guess what he's famous for!")|
Jeremy: Oddly enough, Bloodnut was a molecular biologist.
|60||Jeremy: Also, apparently when somebody decided to do an "irreverent" comedy, it meant passing as many gas jokes that would cut the cheese.||07:01|
|61||Jeremy: Also, The Lion King somehow turned into stargazing into fart jokes too. What is it about looking into space that makes cartoon screenwriters think of farts?||07:07|
|62||("The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.")|
Jeremy: And Mexico will pay for it.
|63||Jeremy: It's pretty obvious Fiona, despite being in the privacy of a cave, decided to leave her green dress on, despite the fact that she changes into a much plumper ogre. But somehow, she don't tear through her clothes like She-Hulk.||07:22|
|64||("People take one look at me and go "AAHHH! Help! Run, you big, stupid, ugly ogre!"")|
Jeremy: Well, except for the donkey, the princess, everyone at the swamp, and just about everyone Shrek has met on this journey that's not an asshole.
|65||Jeremy: Jesus Christ, you can practically see Neil Armstrong on this moon! It's so big.||07:36|
|66||("Show me the princess!")|
(Magic Mirror shows an image of Fiona that the Magic Mirror hosted the Dating Game earlier)
Jeremy: On Demand Voyeur Porn.
|67||Jeremy: Also, Magic Mirrors, which are amazing, magical things! Apparently have VCR rewinding functions, and can't this thing pause on the image?||07:47|
|68||Jeremy: While she's using a thin leaf to guard against the heat of the rock on her left hand, Fiona puts her RIGHT hand directly on the scalding rock, and thus will have a disfigured claw for the rest of her life.||07:55|
|69||(Fiona has met Robin Hood because Shrek is jealous)|
Jeremy: In what f*cking universe besides this one has Robin Hood been French?
|70||Jeremy: This guy throws an apple to Donkey so he'll seem more like an asshole, but I think we know who the real asshole here is.||08:06|
|71||Jeremy: While Princess Fiona takes part of this even for 2001, tired Matrix parody. I'd like to know how she kept physically fit enough to do all these material arts just one day after being rescued.||08:14|
|72||Jeremy: Also, when exactly did Fiona learn Kung Fu? She was locked away for a long time, yes. But were there books or spare senseis sitting around in the dragon castle?||08:20|
|73||("Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color blind!")|
Jeremy: And yet, Donkey still picks the right flower anyway!
|72 (after sin removal)||("The princess here was just--")|
(Fiona pulls her arrow away from Shrek's butt)
Jeremy: Okay. Despite the fact that we're being total assholes to this movie, that sh*t's funny right there! Removing a sin! (removes a sin back to 72)
|73 (again)||("Hey, what's that? Is that blood?")|
Jeremy: There was no blood on the arrow Fiona pulled out of Shrek's ass.
|74||Jeremy: It's an adorable shot to have these leaves flying up around Donkey when he passes out, but it would've been helpful to have those actual leaves around him when he's lying down to sell the bit!||08:50|
|75||Jeremy: But seriously, how the f*ck does Fiona know how to do all this s*it after living in a f*cking castle for who-knows-how-long?||08:55|
|76||Jeremy: Shrek and Fiona are dicks to woodland creatures.||08:57|
|77||Jeremy: Ah, relationships that start off with casual domestic battery are almost always successful.||09:01|
|78||("I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare.")|
("I like that.")
Jeremy: Shrek conveniently leaves out the part where he kills the fish by farting in the pond.
|79||("I've been this way as long as I can remember.")|
Jeremy: And I just happen to have EXACTLY the same type of features as the ogre that accidentally happened upon the mission to come and rescue me.
|80||("By night one way by day another, this shall be the norm.")|
Jeremy: Sounds like yet another convoluted curse conjured by a witch who likes to keep her punishments creatively convenient to the main character of the story.
|81||Jeremy: Also, this was actually part of the book that Shrek tore out and wiped his ass on, which is a coincidence upon an accident upon a riddle upon an enigma, or something.||09:35|
("I'm ugly! Okay?")
Jeremy: Yeah, but only in an "I'm in an animated movie" kind of way! If this were real life and if Fiona were into nitpicky assholes, I'd probably hit that.
|83||Jeremy: (as Shrek holds out a flower in the middle of the night) Shrek musters up the courage to talk to Fiona at the time she's supposed to be asleep, AND the door is nice and left open so he can misunderstand whatever he hears when he gets on the doorstep.||09:55|
|84||("Princess and ugly don't go together.")|
Jeremy: Let this be a lesson to you, fellas! Screw that whole "psych myself up" speech before you talk to your lady. Otherwise you'll accidentally hear a completely out-of-context conversation that will make you think you have no chance!
|85||Jeremy: Also, Shrek takes a time out from being a gross-out kids movie, or parody movie, or whatever the hell is to become EVERY rom-com you've ever seen!||10:12|
|86||("You heard what I said?")|
Jeremy: Shrek outright lies about hearing "every word" so the misunderstanding can continue to happen.
|87||("Ah, right on time!")|
Jeremy: A guy like Farquaad would NOT be happy that Shrek made him ride all the way out here to pick up Fiona. But because the plot demanded that Shrek get here JUST before Fiona turned back into Cameron Diaz, he had to make an excuse to do this stupid bulls*it.
|88||(the song "Hallelujah" by John Cale is heard in the background)|
Jeremy: Man, this Leonard Cohen song is SOOO much better like that stupid cover in Watchmen!
|89||Jeremy: How did they tailor this dress in a few hours?||10:39|
|90||Jeremy: Sudden dragon here! Even after being collared and basically chained up the last time we saw her, she found a way out of that and even flew in the right direction to run into Donkey.||10:46|
|91||Jeremy: Also, how the hell does the dragon get all the way out to near Duloc without anyone seeing or hearing her? Wouldn't she also be pissed that she lost her captive AND her donkey sex slave, and release a reign of fiery terror on civilization?||10:56|
|92||("The wedding! We'll never make it in time!")|
Jeremy: That's where the sudden dragon comes in!
|93||Jeremy: No one saw or heard the giant dragon until she was literally on top of them!||11:03|
|94||Jeremy: Movie steals the "stop the wedding" scene from well, it's Mike Myers. So Wayne's World 2.||11:07|
Jeremy: Couldn't they have slipped in the back to see what was going on instead of the whole window thing, especially if it were that easily to crash the wedding?
|96||Jeremy: So Fiona didn't get married yet and the sun is setting, but how the f*ck did she think this was going to work? How did she think the guy she just met and hates was going to be her "true love" anyway? I guess desperate times call for desperate measures and all, but damn!||11:24|
|97||(Dragon burps the crown out of her mouth after eating Lord Farquaad.)|
Jeremy: Whew! We had gone several minutes there without a burp or fart joke, and I was almost in withdrawal!
|98||Jeremy: So Fiona's going to take her "true form" which is... her ogre self! So why does the magic even bother to go through all this s*it? That's like multiplying zero by zero!||11:36|
|99||Jeremy: Also, I'm calling bulls*it on the "true form" thing being an ogre, since she was born to human parents! Why can't she just stay human and have a Kermit/Miss Piggy relationship? I don't know how this works either, but this movie is making it sound like "Some must stay with same. Ain't no white girl gonna be with no green dude."||11:48|
|100||Jeremy: The blast from the spell being broken will shatter all the windows, but the spectators are completely unharmed!||11:53|
|101||Jeremy: These fairy tale creatures are back in place for the wedding, which brings up this question. Where the hell did they go when they were kicked out of the swamp? Wasn't the whole operation to round them up in the first place? Are you saying that Farquaad agreed to return the fairy tale creatures to their homes when he spent the whole movie exiling them?||12:04|
|102||Jeremy: Also, what the f*ck was the reasoning behind Farquaad hating fairy tale creatures anyway? We don't even get a "They killed my brother!" story.||12:10|
|103||Jeremy: Eddie Murphy played a dragon in Mulan. So I'm wondering if Donkey is supposed to be Mushu reincarnated or some s*it, and that's why this dragon loves him so much!||12:17|
Movie Sin Tally: 103
Sentence: Counseling from the Love Guru