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The EWW episode of the 2003 movie Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.
Everything Wrong With Pirates Of The Caribbean - The Curse Of The Black Pearl04:37

Everything Wrong With Pirates Of The Caribbean - The Curse Of The Black Pearl

TranscriptEdit

  1. (Governor Swann says to Norrington about pirates, "I'm concerned about the effect this subject will have upon my daughter.") Instead, let's arrange for her to marry you in a few years.
  2. (Gov. Swann asks Elizabeth to take care of the unconscious Will Turner) You know... play doctor and stuff.
  3. Also, Dustin Hoffman was apparently unavailable to play the old man with a long dark wig and red coat and white scarf. (a snippet of Hook with Hoffman as Captain Hook is shown)
  4. We find out that the medallion calls to the dead pirates on the Black Pearl, so why are they just sailing in the fog like a myth right now?
  5. Nobody on board except Elizabeth sees this ship that is literally, like, 100 yards away and clearly visible.
  6. (Jack Sparrow moves his sinking boat to step on the dock) Jack steps off the boat with his right leg, but his left leg hits the dock first.
  7. (the soldiers are doing formations) This some truly terrible formation sh*t right here. These lines aren't even remotely straight.
  8. (the soldiers then hold out their arms as Norrington steps forward) What?! Have they never practiced these before? Have they not seen the opening to A Few Good Men?
  9. Elizabeth is about to faint from the corset but decides to stand right on the edge of the fort wall.
  10. At first, the governor wants to shoot Jack on sight without knowing who he is or what he's done. Then when he finds out Jack is a pirate, he wants to hang him. Why the change? To delay Jack's death so he can escape later?
  11. (Jack, handcuffed, wraps his chained arms around Elizabeth's neck) Yeah, that seems like protocol. Just handcuff a guy and leave him unattended next to the rich girl.
  12. (close together with Jack, Elizabeth stares at him, while he smiles at her) Scene does not contain lap dance.
  13. Soldiers approach Jack from the front even though all of them are behind him.
  14. (Gov. Swann asks Norrington and his men to shoot Jack) Will you make up your f*cking mind? We didn't shoot him before because you said "hang him," remember?
  15. (pointing to one soldier) This guy's closing his eyes while firing.
  16. (pointing to another soldier) This guy's got his head turned completely to the side.
  17. (pointing to one more soldier) And this guy appears to be three feet tall.
  18. (one soldier shouts, "Take cover!" as Jack escapes) What? Take cover from what? The single guy in chains running away from all the soldiers? Take cover from him?
  19. (Norrington says, "Mr. Sparrow has a dawn appointment with the gallows.") But I thought the order was to shoot him now.
  20. (earlier in the film, Will Turner had almost no facial hair) Will Turner's facial hair goes from this (cut to Turner in the blacksmith shop, now with visible facial hair) to this in a few hours.
  21. (as Pintel and Ragetti search for the gold, Pintel says, "The gold calls to us...") Except when it's in a drawer, or right next to them in the beginning of the movie.
  22. (as one cursed pirate fights with Will, a falling hanging sign hits the former and throws him throw a window) Khal Drogo would totally have kicked Legolas's ass had it not been for this fortunate sign falling incident.
  23. (Elizabeth, brought before Barbossa's crew, threatens to drop the medallion into the water) Why would the pirates care if she dropped it? Could they not just jump right in after it and grab it? I mean, the ship's still in the harbor, right?
  24. (Will angrily throws an axe on a nautical map) Will Turner is a dick to maps.
  25. (Will breaks Jack out of his jail cell and tells him that somebody might have heard that) Why? They haven't heard anything else.
  26. (Jack and Will make their way across the beach by hiding in a boat) If you're going to do this, you might as well not even try to hide. This is way more suspicious than if you were out in the open walking around.
  27. Will and Jack must have the strength of 100 men to pull a f*cking boat down completely underwater along with a pocket of air.
  28. (they get onto the Interceptor and tell the crew they are taking over) How did their clothes dry so fast?
  29. The British dudes seriously left not one single guy on the little ship? Not one dude? Is it naval policy to abandon ship completely when you search ships for 2 f*cking criminals?
  30. (one crewman tries to swing back onto the Interceptor but misses, the boat way out of range, and lands in the water) This guy had no chance and he knew it before he swung. I think he was just tired of working and wanted to take a dip.
  31. (the crew in the rowboat abandon the boat just as the looming Dauntless floats forward and smashes the rowboat to bits) This tiny boat explodes from the impact of the Dauntless well before the Dauntless ever actually touches it.
  32. (an officer tells Norrington that Jack has to be the best pirate he has ever seen) Inferior officer rubs it in the face of his superior.
  33. Also, the Black Pearl came to town and destroyed all kinds of sh*t, but left the two of the best ships in the fleet completely alone?!
  34. (Gibbs is sleeping on a pair of pigs) Pig pillows.
  35. The pirates kidnap girls so often they have this whole skeletons-running-the-ship routine thing that's all choreographed and everything.
  36. (after gathering a sizable crew, they all look at once toward the ship they will commandeer) These mostly-drunk pirate losers have better alignment and timing than the f*cking British soldiers do.
  37. (the pirates are in the treasure cave, with light coming in at spots) Where is all this light coming from if not the moon? And if it's moonlight, why aren't they showing their true skeleton nature?
  38. (Will tells Gibbs to keep it steady on the ship) Dude, he's not even the one driving.
  39. Are we really supposed to believe Jack Sparrow saw this cannon being fired 20 feet away, and the cannonball coming right at him, but still had time to duck?
  40. Will somehow not only survives the ship explosion, but then also manages to swim over a hundred yards in a matter of seconds.
  41. Despite not know how Jack escaped the last time, Barbossa figures putting Jack on the same island will do the trick this time.
  42. (Jack's crew and Will are both imprisoned in separate cells that are no longer damaged) So, when did they fix the door to this prison cell? Because this is the same cell they put Jack in and then during the attack it was damaged.
  43. (Pintel tells Will, "Never sat well with Bootstrap, what we did to Jack Sparrow.") The two bumbling idiot pirates are reduced to being exposition vessels.
  44. People and ghosts are really good at walking underwater in this movie.
  45. Jack shoots Barbossa in the chest before the coins and Will's blood go into the treasure chest, meaning Barbossa shouldn't have any flesh that a bullet could do any damage to. If this is supposed to all the sudden kill Barbossa, shouldn't Jack have a gaping wound from being stabbed by the sword before? Shouldn't all the dead pirates have wounds that magically show up that they didn't notice because they were all dead already?
  46. (Ragetti, no longer dead, retrieves his lost false eye) This putting-his-eye-back-in thing was cute and funny when he was dead, but now that he's alive again, how is he able to put it back in and control it?
  47. (Pintel and Ragetti is confronted by the pair of soldiers from earlier) Bumbling idiot pair number one, meet bumbling idiot pair number two.
  48. (one pirate on Sparrow's crew has what looks like a cowboy hat) Who the f*ck is this cowboy?
  49. (the post-credits stinger is shown: Barbossa's lifeless body is lying amid the pile of treasure on the Isla de Muerta) End credits scene no one stays for because no one expects an end credits scene for a movie based on a theme park ride.
  50. Also, the stone lid on the chest is clearly closed in this shot, but somehow magically opens for the monkey to reach in and steal some gold in the next shot.

Movie Sin Tally: 50

Sentence: Tortuga

WILL TURNER: That's not good enough!

Sentence: Davy Jones Locker

JACK SPARROW: Not sure I deserved that.

TriviaEdit

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