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The EWW episode of the 2013 movie Pacific Rim.
Everything Wrong With Pacific Rim In 9 Minutes Or Less10:51

Everything Wrong With Pacific Rim In 9 Minutes Or Less

TranscriptEdit

  1. (on screen is displayed two words: "Kaiju", Japanese for "giant beast", and "Jaeger", German for "hunter") Vocabulary lesson.
  2. (Raleigh Becket is heard saying, "When I was a kid...") Oh, great, a narrator.
  3. (Raleigh says, "When alien life entered our world, it was from deep beneath the Pacific Ocean.") Movie thinks I'm just gonna accept that sh*t.
  4. (Raleigh explains that a fissure between two tectonic plates created a portal between two dimensions) Honestly, if this is all the harder you're going to work to explain the science part of our fiction, don't even explain it... just jump right into the action.
  5. (a Kaiju is destroying the Golden Gate Bridge) "Destruction of the Golden Gate Bridge when action film takes place in San Francisco" cliche.
  6. (Raleigh explains that after six days and 35 miles, three cities were destroyed, and tens of thousands of lives were lost) I don't mean to be insensitive, but... is that all? I mean, 6 full days of that thing rampaging through three major cities and only tens of thousands died? Those are pretty good numbers, actually. You should consider yourself lucky.
  7. (Raleigh says, "And then the third one hit Cabo.") Even the Kaiju have to go on Spring Break.
  8. Why is the archive footage of the initial setbacks faced by the Jaeger program in black and white? It was still filmed... in the future, right?
  9. (Yancey Becket tells Raleigh, "Kid, don't get cocky.") Probable Star Wars homage ends up feeling more like a cheesy rip-off.
  10. (Raleigh says, in narration, "We were never star athletes.") This motherf*cker is STILL NARRATING!
  11. Jaegers use Inception music to introduce themselves.
  12. Okay, so just seconds ago you rose up out of the water completely submerged, but now you're standing and the water comes up to your knees. So what position must Gipsy Danger have been in underwater in order to pull off that rise-up-from-the-deep move? Like, lying flat on the floor of the ocean, right?
  13. (one Jaeger's cannon takes a while to charge up and a Kaiju attacks during this time) Oh come on! This cannon loaded up immediately earlier and now it takes forever to load?!
  14. (the movie's title appears) Seventeen minutes in, the movie finally feels confident it's given you enough backstory to tell the actual story.
  15. (Stacker Pentecost is staring at a bank of monitors, all with the leaders of world governments speaking on them) Did you, like, just watch The Avengers right before shooting this stuff? Is Power Booths up there somewhere? Give Idris Elba an eye patch and I could seriously begin to doubt which movie I'm watching.
  16. (several people watch in worry as a hysterial-sounding news broadcast where a category 4 Kaiju is breaching a coastal wall in Sydney) Why are you surprised? Why is anyone surprised? You built a giant wall to try and keep something out that eats boats and giant robots for breakfast.
  17. Shatterdome? Gipsy Danger? Who the hell did we put in charge of naming things in the future? I'm guessing it's someone's 12-year-old cousin.
  18. (Raleigh is told by someone else, "To me, you're dead weight.") Dude, you have f*cking Kaiju in this movie... do we really need a paint-by-numbers bully as a secondary antagonist?
  19. (subtitles show that the candidate trials are taking place at 0600 hours) Do we really need a label know that this is the candidate trials? Does knowing that it's 6am add anything to our enjoyment of the scene?
  20. (Pentecost tells Raleigh and Mako to report to the Shatterdome in two hours to find their copilots) Is there any reason at all for the mystery? If you've made up your mind, and it's not her, then why make him wait? I mean, obviously the screenwriter wants him to wait so that we can have the big reveal as he changes his mind and chooses the girl after all... but that's for us, the audience. There's no reason for Raleigh not to know. Or the actual guy who got picked.
  21. (as Pentecost lowers his head slightly, blood drips onto his shoe) Well, either he's got a nosebleed, or Spider-Man's on the ceiling of the elevator trying not to be seen.
  22. (Newt tells Pentecost that the Kaiju are colonists, who overtake and consume worlds, then move onto the next) Wait, which is it? Do they colonize, or consume? Those two things are not synonymous.
  23. (Newt adds that with ozone depletion, carbon monoxide and polluted waters, humans have "practically terraformed it for them") Oh for f*ck sake, even the movie about giant robots fighting giant alien monsters has to shove environmental messages down our throat. We're destroying Earth, we get it. If I wanted to hear about that I definitely wouldn't go to a giant-robot-fighting movie.
  24. (in flashback, we see a young Mako running and hiding from Kaiju destroying her native Tokyo and leaving her an orphan) This is actually terrifying, and awesome. This is a way better backstory than Raleigh's. Why isn't she the main character? Why doesn't the movie just start with this and skip all the "wah, wah, my brother died" crap?
  25. This whole complex looks pretty damn big. Why did the leader end up with the office that is 40% water? How is it even remotely pracitical to have a moat in your office? There are no other rooms in the place that had actual floors, like, you know the pilots' quarters do?
  26. Man, this is the quietest Jaeger factory in the history of Jaeger factories. They're practically whispering, and why shouldn't they? It's dead silent in this b*tch.
  27. Wait a minute... if the Kaiju are only just now appearing two at a time, then why the hell did they ever need more than a handful of Jaegers back in the day? I mean, the Kaiju back then would have been one at a time, coming with much more time in between them... it was years ago... they were also a lot smaller... So why did we have a fleet of dozens of Jaegers? What the f*ck were they all doing? Why does the historical footage early in the movie show only one or two Jaegers at a time fighting a Kaiju? It's not like there were multiple Kaiju at once around the world for them to be all off in different places. It's not like they would have been patrolling their own sections of the world, since the Kaiju always come from the same spot and that same spot is monitored. The marshal says they used to launch 30 Jaegers and they're now down to just four. How the f*ck is that even possible?
  28. Why do they have to fly these things by helicopter to where the breach is? Why didn't they just build their 30-Jaeger-capable launching facility somewhere, you know, closer to the breach so they could just walk out?
  29. Or, and I don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but... why not just build some giant cannons out of the same kind of blue-energy sh*t the Jaegers are using, which seems to kill Kaiju, and just set up some motion detecting cameras so the guns act as sentries and, boom, problem solved.
  30. Okay, so the Chinese Jaeger has three pilots, because it has this fancy three armed attack mode. But with drifting in a normal Jaeger, the movie has shown us that both pilots move their right arm to move the robot's right arm and both pilots "walk" in order to make the legs move. So who does adding a third pilot to the Chinese Jaeger enable them to collectively move a third arm? All the pilots are presumably drifting together as a threesome, but none of them actually have third arms. And if it's possible to divide the arms up among the pilots, then why go through all the motions to show us that the other Jaeger pilots have to move their arms and legs in tandem? Is there any need to drift at all if you can just add a third pilot to control a third arm?
  31. Two of his three active Jaegers are completely gone, and instead of sending Raleigh and Mako to suit up immediately the marshall just grimaces.
  32. (cannons appear from one Jaeger's chests) See, like these cannons. Is there any particular reason these cannons have to be mounted on a giant robot? Could you not just line the entire breach area with automated versions of these things?
  33. Just like most movie villains, the Kaiju ignore their perfect opportunity to finish Striker, and one of them even swims away.
  34. I don't know how many minutes are supposed to have passed since Striker went dead in the water, but since then, the other Kaiju has been pacing around them, but also Raleigh talked the marshal into letting them go out, they got suited up, got the nuclear-powered Gipsy Danger all fired up, strapped into the helicopters, and flew that thing out to Hong Kong City harbor. That's way too much sh*t to have gone down in just a handful of minutes.
  35. Kind of convenient that the Kaiju didn't use any of these awesome new attacks on Gipsy that had been so effective on the other three Jaegers. Instead he just mostly tries to wrestle this time, and he pays for it.
  36. (Gipsy picks up several freight containers in the harbor) Aw, man, my f*cking X Box One was in there!
  37. The second Kaiju has been really inefficient in his destruction of the city while all this was going on. I mean, yeah, there are some flames there, but honestly I'm surprised there are any tall buildings at all still standing. Couldn't he have just run back and forth in a lawn mower pattern and have the whole thing licked in 60 seconds?
  38. (Raleigh in Gipsy can't pinpoint the Kaiju they're after) How can possibly you lose track of a Kaiju? This is even worse than when the military kept losing track of Godzilla (1998).
  39. (the Kaiju spits out blue acid that melts a building it comes in contact with) Ah, melty blue acid spray. Cool. Why didn't they use that all the time?
  40. (Gipsy grabs the Kaiju by its tongue) Was there none of the acid left inside the Kaiju's mouth? Shouldn't Gipsy's fingers get melted off now?
  41. ("Where is my goddamn shoe?")

Total Edit

Movie Sin Tally: 55

Sentence:

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