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The EWW episode of the 2008 movie Kung Fu Panda.

TranscriptEdit

  1. (Narration starts) Narration.
  2. Also... (More Narration plays) Legend, Legend, legendary, legend legend!
  3. (After the animal smacks into the wall) This sin will be representative of all the film's instances of overly-enthusiastic slang in lieu of jokes. It's the Dreamworks way.
  4. How did Po get down from that high up so quickly? He has either mastered teleportation in his fantasy, or this is later, all his former foes are gone, and it's just raining cats and dogs.
  5. (Right after the foes were defeated) Pandas of the past have set a pretty low bar for both of those. Pandas mostly just lay around, eat bamboo, and don't have sex.
  6. The Furious Five seem rather nonchalant about being on fire.
  7. (Right after the Narration said The Furious Five) I wonder how much Dreamworks had to pay Neal Moritz to call them that.
  8. (When Monkey says "We should hang out") Why is Monkey the only one who wants to hang out with him, even in his own fantasy?
  9. Also, this is one of the seven brief times Jackie Chan as Monkey gets to speak.
  10. Why are Po's dream / fantasies two dimensional?
  11. (While Po gets up) Is that small cot his bed?
  12. Merch-Pandising.
  13. (After Po falls downstairs with the ninja star) Po is able to fall down the stairs without cutting the s*it out of his hand with the ninja star he is holding.
  14. How is Po's father a duck?! I mean. . . I'm all for adoption or animal-based movies. . . but. . . in early China. . . a duck adopting a panda?! I just don't see it.
  15. Po falls down the stairs, gets up, and picks up the radishes with both hands , yet a ninja-star ends up in these noodles? It's possible that Ping uses ninja-stars as a garnish, but that doesn't explain the whereabouts of the one Po was previously holding.
  16. (When Mr. Ping gets excited) I don't know alot about cooking noodles, or owning a noodle restaurant, but is the only qualification having a dream about noodles, specifically, "The Noodle Dream?" I didn't have a dream about making fun of movies for a living. . . oh wait, yeah I did.
  17. How are those rabbits not super pissed that Po and his dad are just chit chatting and not serving them soup?
  18. I hope that was a challenging special order for that pig. If not, I don't understand how this is the most popular noodle shop in the Valley of Peace. It took that pig forever to get his noodles. This would all be different if they had Yelp.
  19. (While Po is talking to his dad about his business) It's the "hero has dreams beyond what his family wants" cliche. . .even though being a fourth-generation restaurateur sounds like a pretty nice gig.
  20. (While Mr. Ping talks to Po) Po is not telling his father that this is not only something he could still accomplish, but also a smart business decision to expand his menu.
  21. (When Mr. Ping talks about tofu) Movie thoroughly eviscerates tofu.
  22. Also, why do some of the Noodle Shop patrons get table service while the others pick it up at the counter? And does he really need to know the tables? I feel like he could just pass out noodles to whoever doesn't have noodles.
  23. (While Shifu talks to the Furious Five) Out of all curt, one-word feedback sessions, the most shameful is Crane needing more height. He's actually a flying bird who doesn't need Kung Fu to do what birds naturally do.
  24. Hilarity aside, shouldn't Master Oogway possess some kind of wind-altering power that would allow him to blow out all the candles with a simple tilt of the staff? Or does he need to attend the Lord Blackwood School of Extinguishment?
  25. Also, Holy Jesus, it must of taken him forever to light those candles. I bet Dreamworks is working on a prequel Where Oogway is lighting candles and Po is trying to stick ninja-stars in his bedroom wall for an hour and a half.
  26. (After Shifu blows out all the candles) Master Shifu attended the Lord Blackwood School of Extinguishment and didn't invite anyone else.
  27. So, do all of the creatures in this universe have low resolution memories, or is it just Shifu and Po?
  28. (when Shifu says that Tai Lung is in prison) Well, it would be impossible if he was dead. Is this movie teaching children the lesson that it's better to execute your enemies instead?
  29. Is that a magic staff? Does this turtle use magic? Why not use magic instead of kung fu?
  30. (when Mr. Ping talks to Po about selling noodles) Po does not know the difference between wanting a different job and actively trying to put his family out of business. Where does he think the money for his ninja stars comes from?
  31. The Valley of Peace exclusively consists of pigs, geese, and rabbits. This is just another prime example of Hollywood pig-geese-rabbit washing.
  32. So, did the Furious Five get dropped out of a helicopter, or did they all have the ability to jump 400 feet into the air?
  33. Why the hell is there a lone, small, hole awkwardly placed on the top right corner of this wall? Maybe they were training one day and someone said, "Man it's hot, could someone open a small hole in the wall?" and someone else responded, "There isn't one! We should have one installed!"
  34. (when Po sees "The Thousand Tongue's of Fire") I was disappointed to find out there is not an adult movie called this.
  35. Also, there are very clearly 43 missiles in that thing, but I guess "43 tongues of fire" didn't have as good a ring to it.
  36. Every time I see them all together I think to myself, "There are four of them, why are they called the furious 5? Oh wait, I didn't see the mantis" ---- That's racist.
  37. (After Po falls) Surviving the 400 foot fall should be further evidence to Shifu and the Five that he is, in fact, The Dragon Warrior.
  38. (When Oogway talks about Po) Choosing the Dragon Warrior is an incredibly vague process. The oldest dude just points randomly and whatever is in front of his finger is the winner?
  39. (When Oogway says "There are no accidents") Not believing in accidents.
  40. (When the guard talks about the prison) Dialogue that would not need to be spoken if it were ultimately true.
  41. (When the guards says there are 1,000 guards) All subsidized by Valley of Peace tax dollars. Ridiculous. What must the taxes be like these citizens?
  42. (When the guard shows the messenger Tai Lung) Between letting a random messenger in to see the world's most guarded prisoner, and the haphazard way they chose Dragon Warrior, i'm concerned about this ancient Chinese animal society's looseness with safety and protocol.
  43. They made me Google "Does Chine have rhinos?" I'm not watching Kung Fu Panda to LEARN people.
  44. (While Po talks about stuff he sees) It's almost like Po is aware this is a movie and he needs to explain everything he is seeing so we can know why he is freaking out, other wise he's just talking to himself.
  45. (While Po talks about how to get the Dragon Scroll) Or perhaps a chair and some fireworks? Or maybe one of the Furious Five could just jump up there and get it?
  46. Po's panda tooth looks suspiciously like a human tooth.
  47. Po didn't die after falling into the Kung Fu training area / death trap. Granted, that would make for a pretty short and dark kids cartoon.
  48. So. Is this duck their slave? Just asking.
  49. (When Monkey talks) This is two of the seven times Jackie Chan gets to speak.
  50. "Doofy protagonist hears the cool kids talking bad about him behind his back" cliche.
  51. Also. . . why is Po hiding out behind rocks along an obscure walkway in the middle of the night?!
  52. So does China use these kind of paper screens the same way Japan does? Kung Fu Panda, stop trying to make me learn!
  53. (While Po talks with peaches in his mouth) Po may not have any Kung Fu skills at this point, but his "talking with a mouth full of peaches" skills are on point.
  54. (When Oogway says "Don't noodles") Don't noodles? What everyone may be interpreting as Oogway's wisdom is really just Oogway's Alzheimer's.
  55. I can only assume that Tai Lung's back muscles are filled with compressed air, because if not, there is no way to explain these rods flying out of his back with this high velocity.

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