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The EWW episode of the 2014 movie Into the Woods.
Into the woods eww

TranscriptEdit

  1. (the Walt Disney Pictures logo is surrounded by spooky woods) Disney logo has gotten pretty goddamn full of itself.
  2. (Cinderella, played by Anna Kendrick, says, "I wish...", but is interrupted by an offscreen narrator) Narrator commits a couple of sins here, which we are duly going to count, because f*ck that guy. First off, and most importantly, he interrupts Anna Kendrick. Nobody puts baby in a corner, f*ckface.
  3. Second off, narration in general. F*ckface.
  4. (Cinderella sings, "More than life, more than jewels," before cutting to Jack (as in "Jack and the Beanstalk") bringing out the cow, while the narration continues) Isn't it nice that Cinderella properly stops her song so that an invisible narrator can continue his stupid s*it? Also, I'm not sure I can follow everything with this back-and-forth. This plot/narration/sing-along is too complex!
  5. (Jack sings about wishing the cow would give milk or even cheese) Well, if the cow gives you some milk, then you can get the cheese. The cow can't just straight-up give you cheese. What kind of a wish is that?  You might as well wish for a milion dollars while you're at it.
  6. (as Cinderella sings about going to the King's festival, her stepfamily chide her for wishing such) This is why it's a bad idea to sing your dreams out loud, ESPECIALLY if you're an indentured servant orphan girl whose host family hates her guts.
  7. Actors are playing for the back row, which is odd considering we're in a movie theater right now.
  8. (as Little Red Riding Hood makes her appearance, the narrator describes her as "a hungry little girl who always wore a red cape") Probably a superhero, probably will be in the next Avengers movie. And let's be honest, Into the Woods is sort of an "Avengers for Fairy Tales" so no one will tell the difference.
  9. (caught stealing from the baker, Red tells him it's for her granny in the woods) Song intended to excuse shoplifting.
  10. Even in the live-action version, Cinderella needs birds to help her take care of her s*it.
  11. Bird slavery.
  12. (Jack's mother sings of the cow, "...while her withers wither with her...") Someone got paid to feel clever for writing this line.
  13. (Jack's mother tells him, "Sometimes I wonder what's going on in that head of yours," then slaps him on the back) But then my abusive nature takes over and I stop giving a s*it.
  14. (Red Riding Hood sings, "Into the woods it's time to go...") Roll credits. And... gladly.
  15. (Red skips away singing "Into the woods" as part of the song) Okay! (Red sings "Into the woods" again) I KNOW! (Red sings "Into the woods" one more time) Goddamn, girl, we already rolled your credits! You can stop saying it.
  16. (Cinderella tells the birds to fly back to the sky) If only you could use that beautiful singing voice to get them to peck your stepmother and stepsisters' eyes out. Seems reason. Who's going to convict you for that? "Well, yes, your Honor, Cinderella has the power to make birds murder people... Prosectuion rests!"
  17. (the stepsisters slap Cinderella on the face, knocking her to the ground; they laugh at her) Even if you hate someone with all your being...how is this that funny?
  18. (the Witch, played by Meryl Streep, appears in the bakery) Aww, man...they dragged Meryl Streep into this, didn't they?
  19. (the Witch tells the Baker and his wife, "What she wanted more than anything in the world was greens, greens, nothing but greens!") Salad-loving girl completely derails fairy tale story via salad-loving.
  20. (the Witch says, "[The Baker's father] was robbing me, raping me...") Ummmmm...robbing is right...the other thing...probably not, but maybe this movie is way darker than I previously thought.
  21. (the Witch tells the Baker he did not have a brother, but did have a sister, whom the Witch kidnapped) Well, considering I just learned about her, how broken up can you expect me to be?
  22. (the Witch says she would be cursed to be ugly if she lost "any of them") Witch plays the pronoun game so that the Baker's wife has to ask what the hell "them" means.
  23. (the Witch explains that her beans had been stolen by the Baker's father) Witch's mother puts a curse on her looks, tied to magic beans that don't do anything but grow in a garden outside. Somehow, if they get stolen, that curse still kicks in. There's no gray area in the world of stupid magical curses.
  24. (Jack's mother sings to Jack about going "into the woods to sell the cow") F*ck! This movie has roll-credits'd itself about a dozen times and we're literally not even to the 12 minute mark!!!
  25. (the Witch lists off to the Baker and his wife some items needed, such as "a cow as white as milk" and "a cape as red as blood") Well, isn't it amazing that in all the stories we've been following so far, those EXACT things are going to be in the woods when the Baker and his wife go there? What if the Witch decided to tell them about this curse tomorrow? Did she know all this was happening? If she can predict the future, then surely she'll also know that she's going to die at the end of this movie.
  26. (the Baker's wife finds her husband a coat) You mean... you just found a coat that's NOT your husband's, but just happens to be his dad's, and it has the magical beans in it? I don't know where to begin...does your husband not usually have his own? Is it missing? Amazing you found a coat that figures into the plot of this movie.
  27. (the Baker asks his wife what he is to return with) Yeah, those items were not nearly specific enough to remember. A white cow, a red cape, a slipper pure as gold, and yellow hair. You defintiely should have written this grocery list of common items down.
  28. (as her house's gate gets locked, Cinderella runs up to it, still wishing to go to the Festival) Yes, yes, we know. We've been hearing you complain about it for 14 minutes! Also, why are you running toward a closing gate right now? It's not like if you get past the gate, you can suddenly go to the Festival.
  29. (Cinderella sings, "Into the woods..." as she climbs out her window) Where?
  30. (Cinderella sings about going "into the woods to visit Mother") Damn, everything known to man is in these woods. I bet there's even a Home Depot in these woods. No wonder the Witch believes so strongly you can all these extremely specific items there.
  31. (as all the characters finish their song, they all sing "Into the woods") 42% of this movie is the words "into the woods".
  32. (the narrator says, "Deep within the woods...") Ah!! Sudden returning narration!!! And... why does this movie, where 80% of the information is doled out in expositional songs, even bother with a f*cking narrator?!
  33. (the narrator explains that Cinderella had planted a branch at her mother's grave and she had visited there and cried so often that her tears watered the branch to become a magnificent tree) What!?!?
  34. (Cinderella's mother appears in the tree, asking her in song, "Do you know what you wish?") Yeah, I wish I didn't have to live with my cruel stepmother and stepsisters anymore AND WHY HAVE YOU NEVER GIVEN ME THIS "WISH" OPTION UNTIL NOW?
  35. Once again, nature-magic gets to dress Anna Kendrick and I'm left holding two dresses up in the air. Hello, Anna? I'm standing right here. I can only take a few hundred more rejections before this gets sad.
  36. (Red Riding Hood finds herself in "a very unusual part of the woods") You mean, there's no white cows, pure-as-gold slippers, or hair as yellow as corn just lying around?
  37. (the Wolf in this story suddenly appears) Is that Johnny goddamn Depp?!
  38. (the Wolf asks Red where her grandmother lives) Who cares? Why don't you go ahead and eat her now?
  39. (the Wolf sings, "Look at that flesh, pink and plump... helloooooo, little girl...") Pedophilia song.
  40. Also, during the Into the Woods sing-a-long, I imagine they needed to do background checks on all the audience members before starting the show.
  41. Johnny Depp's temptation song to this little girl is WAY too f*cking sexual! It's like watching Jack Nicholson meet Hailee Steinfeld.
  42. (the Wolf says, "When you're talking to your meal...") So... she can't hear him right now? F*cking musicals.
  43. I'm still not quite certain why the Wolf hasn't eaten Little Red Riding Hood yet. There are NO witnesses. This is the perfect scenario—dark woods, defenseless meal, so go for it already!
  44. (as the Baker goes through the woods, the Witch suddenly appears out of nowhere, startling the Baker) Why the f*ck is she here? Does she need to micro-manage the Baker's RPG quest, or is it just because the movie needed an excuse to give Meryl Streep more scenes?
  45. (the Witch yells at the Baker, "Give me what I need! GIVE ME WHAT I NEED!" before disappearing) Unnecessary orders...but, nice exit.
  46. (Red Riding Hood meets the Baker in the woods) This little girl is WAY too at ease with all these random people showing up in the otherwise deserted forest.
  47. (the Baker pulls Red's cape off of her) Damn...this movie has...REALLY got a subtext problem.
  48. (in response to her cape being pulled off, Red screams for a sustained period of time) 7 seconds of sustained screaming.
  49. (the Baker, without the cape now, worries he won't find it) You definitely FOUND the red cape, you just realized what a horrible person you were for trying to steal it.
  50. Baker's wife finds her husband in the f*cking woods with no problem whatsoever.
  51. (she tells him, "I want to help!") I want... to press Stop on this stupid movie.
  52. (they see Jack going by with the cow; they see that it's "white as milk") How big are these woods anyway? Like an acre?
  53. (the Baker asks Jack what he is doing with the cow in the forest) I was going to ask you the same question until I saw your wife was Emily Blunt. Nice work, old chap!
  54. (Jack explains that he was heading towards market) Which, obviously, requires walking through the woods to get to.
  55. Yeah, I know the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. Yeah, I know this is basically the story of how he comes into possession of some magic beans...but...seriously? He actually believes this s*it?
  56. (Rapunzel's tower is shown) Aww, man...they dragged Tangled into this, didn't they?
  57. (the narrator explains that the Witch did not know that Rapunzel's lilting voice had caught the attention of a handsome prince) These are facts that all of us, even the three-year-olds in the audience, already figured out by watching the movie.
  58. Also, what is a handsome prince doing riding around in the woods, anyway? Surely if this was a normal thing for him to do, he would have stumbled on Rapunzel way earlier than this.
  59. (Rapunzel strains herself as the Witch climbs up her hair) This looks painful as f*ck.
  60. I really would like to see if the handsome prince would try to save Rapunzel if she wasn't a hot runway model.
  61. (as Red Riding Hood approaches her grandmother's house, in a tree, the narrator says she was surprised to see the door open) Even though she exhibited no surprise at all upon seeing the Wolf AND the baker in the woods.
  62. (Red says she feels uneasy and claims that it's just the sweets she allegedly ate) This movie simply doesn't trust the imagination or intelligence of children. We're force-fed every action and feeling through narration, dialogue, and singing. It's just like that time I was kicked out of my first college orgy?
  63. By the way...why does a human female live in a tree? Is this a transitional period of time where most people live in houses, but a small segment of the population still prefer the homes of our distant evolutionary ancestors? And how does this tree not die after hollowing it out and ripping out the ground underneath?
  64. Candles in a literal tree house? That's a fire hazard.
  65. (Red sees that the Wolf is seen dressed as her grandmother) Little girl should now immediately know this isn't her grandmother. Obvious Wolf granny is obvious Wolf.
  66. (Red: "Grandmother, you're looking very strange...") This Red Riding Hood fairy tale has ALWAYS relied on the Red Riding Hood to be a f*cking moron.
  67. (Red: "What big ears you have.") His ears aren't even VISIBLE IN THIS SHOT!!!
  68. (Wolf: "The better to hear you with..." Wolf reveals himself: "My dear.") Well, at least "Into the Woods" Little Red Riding Hood figured this out way before her written counterpart did.
  69. Even if I believed the wolf actually swallowed two humans whole, am I going to believe for an instant that the Baker could free them with a random stab to the Wolf's stomach? He could have, and should have, easily killed one of the victims with that blind stab. Herzer cazzer koko belogurgy. Excuse me, my brain left my head for a second.
  70. Neither Red Riding Hood nor her grandmother are covered in icky wolf digestive matter.
  71. (Red tells the Baker she should have known better, then sings "Mother said, straight ahead...") Yeah...but couldn't you tell me that without singing it?
  72. (Red sings about the Wolf showing her "many beautiful things that [she] hadn't thought to explore...") He showed you some pretty flowers...and that's about it. I guess that's enough to count as "many beautiful things" in whatever year this is.
  73. (Red (singing): "He said come in, with that sickening grin...") Previously...on Into the Woods.
  74. Wolf's throat is exactly like the Harry Potter tents with way more room inside than they seem to have on the outside. Also, the lining of the Wolf's stomach is made with 1000-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. So it's not that bad, really.
  75. This is a flashback to something that happened literally 90 seconds ago, and we had already figured it out on our own, as bulls*it as it is.
  76. Damn...we just went through a lot just so she could finally hand him that cape. I mean the singing, not the wolf attack.
  77. (Jack's mother demands to know what sort of boy trades a cow for beans) The kind that's clearly too young but that you sent out to sell the cow anyway, presumably due to laziness?
  78. Angry Mom throws beans, which hit the ground with a flash of magic, but Angry Mom doesn't see it... naturally.
  79. (Jack's mother then sends him to bed without supper) Isn't that like, all the time, though? Is that really a punishment?
  80. (the beans start to grow into a beanstalk) This movie assumes you entered the theater winking.

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