Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The EWW episode of the 2008 movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Everything Wrong With Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

Transcript

1. (retro Paramount mountain fades into a molehill) Mountains into molehills.
2. Story by George Lucas.
3. Russian dude throws out Indiana's hat so the audience can squeal with delight that Indiana Jones has made his arrival.
4. (Mac tells Indy, "Flensburg. There was twice as many.") Indy makes a casual reference to an adventure that would easily have made a better movie than this one.
5. I know they shot their way onto the base, but is the rest of the base completely deserted? No one's gonna ask any questions about the prisoners held at gunpoint or all the dead soldiers out at the gate?
6. (Spalko speaks to Indy) Oscar-winning actress reduced to a cartoon accent.
7. All the mystery of the warehouse from Raiders of the Lost Ark...vanished.
8. (Indy tells Spalko that the contents of the box are highly magnetized) So magnetized that its magnetic field can attract gunpowder in midair, from a distance, while it's in a crate inside a metal box underneath a whole bunch of other crates.
9. Also, did they really need Indiana Jones for this? What were they expecting him to do? Did they really think after 10 years, Indiana would be able to precisely locate a crate in a warehouse, even if he stored it himself?
10. (Indy asks for some gun shells and a pair of pliers) Old Indiana Jones is really more MacGyver than Indiana Jones.
11. (upon opening the crate with crowbars, the crowbars get stuck to the metal box) These crowbars amusingly stick to the metal container right after they open the crate, but if this alien box is as magnetized as they say, they should have had trouble before then.
12. (the lights hanging from the ceiling swing toward the metal box) What?! Now the metal light fixtures are affected by the box?! Because the plywood shipping crate was dense enough to keep the magnets from being strong enough before?!
13. (Mac, who is in league with the Russians, pulls a gun on Indy) "Indiana Jones gets betrayed by someone who was pretending to be his friend" cliché.
14. (Indy lands in a truck driven by Russians and says, "Dammit, I thought that was closer!") Russian soldier guy doesn't immediately start killing Indy so that he can deliver this wisecrack.
15. (the crate containing the Ark of the Covenant is broken open) Hey...that looks like the same Ark from the first movie!
16. (as Indy's car containing the metal box races through the warehouse, the light fixtures don't sway) Why aren't the lights swaying to follow the magnetic thing in the car Indy's driving?
17. (Indy easily avoids getting shot at by a Russian soldier) Nobody does terrible aim like Indiana Jones bad guys.
18. (Indy and Dovchenko smash through a skylight in the floor and fall through) Why the fu*k would this thing be here? It offers no light, you can't see through it, it's totally fu*king pointless.
19. (Indy kicks Dovchenko into a supercar launching console, activating it) Never construct a secret military supercar launching facility so that a supercar can be launched by something falling onto the console.
20. Also, here's another part of this military base that's completely deserted.
21. (the supercar rockets across the desert, passing by some prairie dogs in the foreground) This supercar is cool and all, but I'm dying to know what the local prairie dogs might be up too—oh, well look at that... I spoke too soon.
22. I don't know if these things are groundhogs, or prairie dogs, or gophers, but we're expecting another 6 more weeks of winter anyway, bit*hes.
23. (the Russians load the metal box into Spalko's car) Apparently, this thing is only magnetized when Indiana Jones needs to find it in some convoluted way.
24. (Indy walks out of a house, where everyone is only a mannequin and thus not real, then back in) Everything about this house is fake. The people aren't real, the water lines don't work... but the electricity does, and the TV antenna, and it's turned to Howdy Doody?
25. (Indy runs through the fake house's kitchen looking for a hiding place, before deciding on a refrigerator) Indy is too stupid to spot an obvious nuclear testing town, but smart enough to know in a matter of ten seconds that a lead-lined fridge would protect him from a nuclear blast.
26. Also, everyone who has ever watched this movie has already dinged this.
27. The only fucking thing that gets thrown by the bomb is the fridge, and it perfectly flies over the bad guys' car.
28. (the fridge lands hard on the desert floor) Let's not forget, even if he survived the blast, this probably should've killed him too.
29. (Indy emerges from the fridge and sees a prairie dog staring at him) Indy, meet this prairie dog. Prairie dog, meet Indy. ONE of you... is the star of this movie, I'm just sure of it.
30. (Indy looks on toward the mushroom cloud made by the nuclear explosion, which is quite close by where he had landed) Even if he survived the nuclear blast and ensuing bouncing flight across the desert, why the fu*k wouldn't he die from radiation poisoning after getting out of the fridge so close to the blast site? Look how close he is to the mushroom cloud! Face it, Indiana Jones is dead. Don't believe me? Just keep watching this movie.
31. (Indy is being decontaminated by people in hazmat suits) Just pretend the guy in the suit is a lady, Indy. Take the free scrub-job.
32. (Indy asks the FBI agents about "that airplane fiasco of '47") Indy makes a casual reference to an adventure that would easily have made a better movie than this one.
33. (General Ross tells Indy that refrigerators are dangerous to climb into because they can be death traps) Apparently not.
34. (Indy asks what he is being accused of besides surviving a "nucular blast") Did PROFESSOR Jones just say Nu-Cu-Lar?
35. (a photograph of Sean Connery as Henry Jones, Sr., is seen on Indy's desk) Sean Connery probably still earned a million bucks just by appearing in this photograph.
36. (also on the desk is another photograph, this one of Denholm Elliott as Marcus Brody) Also, apparently, someone took a picture of Marcus during the scene where he was lost in The Last Crusade and ended up giving it to Indy in a frame.
37. (Mutt making his first appearance on a motorcycle)
38. Indy, the government suits, and his unknown illegitimate son all arrive at the train station at the exact same time.
39. Also, how the fu*k did he [Mutt] know that Indy was going to be here? Later on, we find out that Mutt doesn't even know that he is a professor... so he didn't go by the school and ask Dean Charles where he might be.
40. (Mutt tells Indy, "They're gonna kill him!") Mutt plays the pronoun game so that Indy has to figure out who "they" means.
41. (Mutt takes a bottle of beer off a waitress' tray and Indy puts it right back – and the waitress never notices) Jeez, this server doesn't notice sh*t, does she?
42. Guy who already ordered a coke and a milkshake also ordered a beer.
43. (Indy tells Mutt about the skull's power, but when Mutt asks what the power is, Indy says that he doesn't know; it's just a story) Damn, Indy...how many times have you said that and it EVER turned out to be a myth?
44. (Mutt reacts angrily to Indy not knowing about Marion "Mary" Williams, who is Mutt's mother) Well, that's a reasonable reaction.
45. Also, somehow Mutt either doesn't know, or doesn't think, to tell Indy his mom's maiden name. And why the shortening from "Marion" to "Mary" anyway?
46. Indy turns back over two condiments that in the previous shot hadn't even fallen down.
47. (Mutt tells Indy that his mother called him from South America) South America is a fu*king continent, dude.
48. (Mutt hands some letters and maps to Indy, which are not written in English and thus Mutt thinks are worthless) Kid who grew up worshiping archeologist Oxley thinks all non-English writing is worthless.
49. Who is this actor playing Mutt, anyway? I feel like he used to be famous.
50. (Indy says, "I think you just brought a knife to a gunfight.") I have a feeling this was Sean Connery's line before he turned down the cameo appearance in this film.
51. Diner scene suddenly turns into West Side Story.
52. Also, "Sudden appearance by leather jacket bros just in time for a fight" cliché.
53. (one guy shouts "Get the greaser!" and the fight resumes bigger than ever) You see... stuff like this is why this movie is bad.
54. (Indy tells Mutt that his mother's captors let her go so she could mail the letter) Huh? Does that mean she wrote a letter to Mutt while she was being held captive, and the kidnappers saw it and said, "Oh we better let her go so she can mail this" instead of just, you know, taking it from her and mailing it on their own?
55. (the bad guys' car crashes into a statue of Marcus Brody, causing its head to fall down and smash through the windshield) What!?
56. (as Mutt and Indy drive their motorcycle through the school library) Everyone is walking through the school library like they don't hear a guy riding a motorcycle through it. I mean, don't you clear out as soon as you see sh*t like this?
57. (one student screams like Wilhelm as he sees the motorcycle coming at him) This is the first of the Wilhelm clan to go to college, I believe.
58. Steven Spielberg tries his hand at directing a Zucker Brothers film.
59. (Indy and Mutt are back at Indy's apartment, where Indy tries to make sense of the foreign letter) The Russians are looking for me to kidnap me, so let's go back to my apartment... where I live... where it's a matter of public record that I call that place my residence. Let's go there.
60. Mutt combs his hair in this movie so many times, the continuity person on this movie started to lose track.
61. (Indy tries to figure out the foreign language and wonders if he can try reading it in Mayan first) Those two languages are not related.
62. (similar to other Indiana Jones movies, a traveling line on a map is shown) Indiana Jones movie rips off the traveling by map thing from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
63. (in the Peruvian marketplace, Indy tells Mutt he was kidnapped) Indy makes a casual reference to an adventure that would easily have made a better movie than this one.
64. All tiny dirt-road villages in South America have sanitariums.
65. (about a running ceiling fan covered in cobwebs at the sanitarium) This fan must have just been turned on today after not being in use for 10 years.
66. (Indy says, "Orellana wasn't born in Peru, he was born in Spain.") Why didn't Indiana make this connection before? He translated this letter in the States and should've known immediately that the word didn't mean "birthplace" for this very reason.
67. (Indy says, "Oxley didn't mean 'Orellana's birthplace'.") Oxley left a lot of things to chance for people to find him. He wrote a riddle in a dead language that had to be "walked through Mayan" to be translated, he carved a picture of a cemetery in his cell, a cell they only found because Indy speaks some language that... oh my God... Pancho Villa's guys apparently taught him. It would have been amazing if Oxley could have found himself.
68. (Indy says, "He's been wrapped up for 500 years.") Indy rounds 400 years to 500.
69. (Mutt looks at a tomb and asks if it's open) Hey, I need a line that points out to the audience that this one's already open, you know... just in case they can't tell by looking.
70. (some of the gold pieces in Indy's hand get stuck to the corpse's armor) Once again, none of the other metal things in the general vicinity of this dead guy are being pulled toward his chest plate.
71. (Mutt's knife gets stuck to the Crystal Skull Indy holds in his hands) Mutt's knife even waits several seconds before being affected by this thing. Magnets! How do they work?!?!
72. (Indy speculates that the Spaniards may have found the Crystal Skull along with the other loot and that the Indians must have caught up with them) Good archeology leans heavily on speculation.
73. (Indy wonders why to put the Crystal Skull back where it was found) I don't know, but we should definitely do the opposite.
74. (Indy is tied to a chair at the Russians' camp, in a tent full of electronic equipment) Bad guys lock up Indy in a gynecology chair.
75. Also, where's all this electricity coming from out here in the middle of the Amazon? I mean, generators, sure, but damn... how many f*cking generators for this tent alone?
76. Ukraine girl turns the dial from straight up to the next notch on the right, but it's already at that position in the previous shot.
77. (Spalko looks toward Indy smugly after Indy asks who made it if not humans and he says, "Come on!") Indy's reaction is exactly what the filmmakers should have thought before making this movie.
78. (Marion Ravenwood appears and sees Indy) See?! See?! You'll like this movie because we just referenced this other movie, right?!
79. (Spalko says of Oxley, "What writing! I should've seen this!") Yes... you should have. He was obviously moving his hand in a writing motion.
80. (as they sink in quicksand, Marion tells Indy that Mutt's real name is Henry Jones, III) Mutt's last name is Williams. So he's Henry Williams the first, technically.
81. (Indy cries, "Say, 'Grab the rope'!" when he sees a snake, and Marion and Mutt do so) Indy is a five-year-old.
82. (as Marion and Mutt pull Indy out of the quicksand with the snake) This would have torn the snake in half.
83. (Indy thanks Oxley for finding him, Marion and Mutt) Honestly, did the Russians actually need crazy Ox telling them where everybody was? They were all yelling in the quicksand, so, they should have found everyone pretty easily.
84. (a tree-cutting tank is cutting a swath through the jungle, leading a convoy of tanks and trucks) We interrupt this Indiana Jones sequel to bring you Avatar.
85. (Indy and Marion are being held captive in one of the trucks in the armada, with the former's whip close by) The Russians decide not to learn their lesson and just throw away Indy's whip, already.
86. (as the Russian watching over Indy and Marion gags the latter, she says to Indy through her gag, "You vanished after that!") Vanished? Where could Indy have vanished? In Raiders, the year is 1936. In Temple of Doom, it's 1935 for some reason and in The Last Crusade, it's 1938, and he's banging that Elsa chick in Last Crusade. So in 1937, Indy and Marion must have had an everyday normal relationship, where Indy introduced her to his friends, including Oxley. In all those years, Indy is still a professor at Marshall College. He couldn't have gone anywhere for a long time, at least not by the context clues of the other films.
87. (Indy and Mutt repeatedly kick the Russian watching over the captives, knocking him out) Doesn't the driver hear all this commotion in the back? It's not like there's a solid wall between him and the passengers.
88. (as the truck drives on in the convoy) Also, aren't there other vehicles behind him that could see this? Yep, there is.
89. (Mutt's knife falls out and he grabs it with his shoes) And of course they didn't find his knife and confiscate it...why would they?
90. (the Russian is thrown out of the truck, which is at the back of the convoy now, and Indy climbs into the driver's seat) Oh, so wait...there's no one behind them? Look, either there is or isn't other cars behind them...either way, it's dumb to have your valuable prisoners, especially someone as sneaky as Indiana Jones, riding in the back of the convoy.
91. (Indy fires a bazooka ahead of the tree-cutting tank, which explodes and sends a shard flying at a truck in its path, while the now-out-of-control tree-cutting tank comes at the truck; the pieces of the tank cut through Indy's truck, and he and his crew have to duck to avoid it) OK...I have no idea where everything is in relation to each other now. This anti-Greenpeace tank was in the very front of the convoy, destroying trees. Indy's bazooka shot hits on its side—how he hit at that angle, we'll never know. Now something comes off of the tank and hits this truck and bounces over two other vehicles. Indy and crew are WAAAAAAAAY in the back here. Wherever he shot this thing, he's in no position to do so. And what the fu*k is going on?
92. (Indy and crew ditch the truck and now drive in a boat car with a gun on it) A boat car?! We'd better swap this truck for that boat car... no telling when that might come in handy!
93. (Russians are shooting at some trees, presumably at Indy's crew) What are they shooting at?!
94. (Mutt opens up a box of swords and takes one out) It's a good thing Mutt told us he was good at fencing earlier. I'm glad that paid off randomly here.
95. (Mutt and Spalko stand on top of the two parallel vehicles and engage each other in a classic sword duel from them) Great! We're going to see Mutt do some sword-fighting! But,... couldn't he use that gun that's on the front of this thing?
96. Are we still on "road" that was created by the rainforest-killing machine?
97. Mutt's on the hood here, but finds himself in the backseat in the very next shot.
98. (Mutt now stands with each leg on both vehicles as he and Spalko keep dueling) Am I wrong or could this driver move slightly to the right and this fight would be over?
99. Also, Mutt is about to run right into a tree. There's really no stopping it, but right after Indy hits the Russian car, the tree becomes a non-factor and the movie does this cute Mutt-and-Spalko switch cars stunt.
100. (as Mutt hits a Russian on the head with the bag containing the Crystal Skull) Come on. This dude should have been knocked out after one hit. This skull is amazing, remember?
101. Also, skull somehow loses its magnetic properties again. Oh well.
102. (as Indy approaches Spalko's car from far behind, in the next shot, Spalko knocks Mutt off the car and into Indy's car) Indy's car is, like, 50 yards behind in this shot, but then magically only 10 feet behind when Mutt falls.
103. Mutt falls backwards and flails wildly but the skull is somehow thrown forward enough for Spalko to catch it easily.
104. (Indy looks at a beaten-and-bruised Mutt and Spalko's car beyond, as an irate Mutt shouts, "What are you looking at, daddy-o?!") DUDE. THE FU*KING GUN. YOU'RE PROPPED AGAINST THE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM.
105. (Mutt pulls on some vines) I miss Stan Winston.
106. (Mutt swings across some vines with a whole bunch of monkeys) We interrupt this Indiana Jones sequel to bring you a game of fu*king Pitfall.
107. (Mutt swings into Spalko's car) Mutt just caught up to speeding vehicles by swinging on vines.
108. (the monkeys land in this car as well and attack Spalko) Also, the monkeys of the Amazon are anti-communist by nature.
109. (a jeep runs over a boat car) None of these people died when the car was run over.
110. (Indy's car gets inundated with "big damn ants!" and he orders his crew to bail out) Big damn ants.
111. (a jeep full of Russians drives up) Where the fu*k have these guys been all this time? How did they know to drive here?
112. (as the jeep races on, one Russian fires a gun at Indy and his crew) I'm starting to think these guys are using blanks.
113. (a Russian is swallowed up by the huge colony of ants) If ants that could eat you this quickly actually existed, I'm pretty sure South America would be completely uninhabited.
114. (Indy and Dovchenko engage in a fist fight amid the ant colony, which, thanks to the skull, doesn't bother them) Thank god the killer ants have carved two separate paths around this fist fight so that Indy doesn't get eaten. I mean, I know Ox took out the skull and the ants scattered around him, but why do they continue to separate well after passing the skull?
115. (the Russians are climbing down a cliff on ropes as Indy's crew races up in the car) Here's a perfect opportunity to cut the ropes and kill all the bad guys, soon to be wasted.
116. This guy [Mac] calls Mutt's mom 'mom'.
117. (as they approach the cliff, Marion insists that the crew trust her when they tell her to slow down when she doesn't; the boat car falls off a cliff and land in a tree jutting out of the cliff, which bends down and sets them gently into the river) OK, so Marion saw this tree a few minutes ago and actually thought to herself... "Yeah, this tree will catch this vehicle and lay us gently into the water later."
118. (the tree recoils and smacks into the Russians on the cliff wall, knocking them off the cliff) Reality.
119. This boat car somehow travels 100 yards in the time it takes the tree to snap back up to the top.
120. (the boat car goes over a waterfall) This kind of sh*t kills people.
121. (Ugha natives chase Indy's crew out of the cave) What the actual fu*k?
122. (Indy's crew are opening up the Palace of Eternity) OK, so remember how they got in here? They pulled these rocks and sand came out, and this bullsh*t happened, then they fell down into the place. So this should only have to ever be done once, because who's going to fill all that sand back up and replace all the stones that keep the sand in? Yet, there are dead adventurers on spikes down here who apparently got this far before. Who's in charge of getting all the columns back in place and the sand refills?
123. (as Oxley holds up the Crystal Skull, nothing metal moves at all) Magnetic...and now... All the gold lost interest in being attracted to this skull, and the other coins that were moving I guess gave up.
124. (Mac, covered in treasure, gets sucked in the portal forever) "Guy who stole treasure ends up dying over it" cliché.
125. (the now-live being looks menacingly at Spalko, who disintegrates from the inside out) Thanks for putting that skull back on my body. Now f*ck you!
126. Also how did the skull get torn off the alien's head in the first place? If the aliens have a hive mind and all this power, and someone walked into the chamber, how would a puny human be able to get close enough to cut the head off an interstellar being such as this? Then steal it, then leaven the pyramid--I mean, did the whole thing with the sand and the booby-trapped stairway and the chamber you can only get into by sticking a crystal skull in it get built AFTER the skull was stolen? And what the fu*k for? To make it harder to put the skull back on the alien? Who the fu*k did what and when in this story?
127. Alien spaceship has a built-in mechanism to shoot wandering humans out of harm's way before liftoff.
128. (the gang watches as the spaceship rises into the air) <sigh>
129. (the spaceship takes off, leaving a huge pile of rocks and debris behind where the palace once stood) Man, so much bullsh*t just happened, I think the dinger might have broken.
130. (Indy says, "Their treasure wasn't gold, it was knowledge.") And also that sh*tload of gold that was down there.
131. (Mutt examines Indy's hat and starts to put it on his own head, but Indy snatches it away) Nooooooooooooo!!! Oh, thank god.

Movie Sin Tally: 131

Sentence: You're Fired (a leave of absence, is all)