How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The EWW episode to the 2000 movie with a live-action remake featuring Doug Walker, the Nostalgia Critic.

Theaters: Nov. 17, 2000

Home Media: Nov. 20, 2001

Television Broadcast: Nov. 29, 2003

Everything Wrong With How The Grinch Stole Christmas - Again - With Nostalgia Critic

Transcript

Prologue

[The title begins to appear when suddenly...]
Doug: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
Jeremy: Whoa, who the hell are you?
Doug: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And as someone who reviewed this stinker of a movie, I know there's only one proper way to do it.
Jeremy: Yeah, what's that?
Doug: In rhyme.
Jeremy: That actually sounds impossible.
Doug: Actually, it's remarkably simple. I'm surprised more people don't do it.
Jeremy: Well, sounds like an awful lot of work.
Doug: You ever tried it?
Jeremy: No.
Doug: Give it a shot! You'll pick it up in, like, two seconds.
Jeremy: All right, let's try it.
[The title appears for real]

The Main Sins

1. Doug: Studio logos, though shiny they beckon, bloat out the runtime by 42 seconds.
2. Narrator: Inside the snowflake...
   Jeremy: Hopkins is in this? That wasn't too bright, his role's as phone as in the one in The Rite.
3. Doug: Also is this such a holiday specter, your kids being soothed by Hannibal Lector?
4. Narrator: ...you must see to believe!
   Jeremy: Stretch out a short full imagination at 2 hours. How do you still need narration?
5. Doug: Ron Howard directed? I'm having my doubts. This looks like some fart snot Tim Burton sneezed out.
6. Jeremy: This looks less like the cartoon that you know, more like an ad for Universal Studios.
7. Doug: There's little variety of humor. Oh sh*t, this film's 82% sight gags, ain't it?
8. Jeremy: Also if there isn't a plot of the movie, distract them with flammies and flimsies and floozies.
9. Doug: Russian nesting horn doll players, really? Oompa Loompa rap has more plausibility.
10. Jeremy: It's painfully obvious this outside's inside, you can almost see where the air conditioner hides.
11. Doug: Money in two different slots is a sight that'll leave the drawer shot at the end of the night. (the arrows point out a cash register)
12. Jeremy: Really? The "Kid Lost in a Store" cliche?
13. Doug: Perhaps Taylor Momsen can steer her the right way!
14. Doug: Not to be Grinchy and Scroogy and such, but this Christmas obsession is too f*cking much!
15. Someone Heard in the Black Screen: 99% Off!
    Jeremy: That's bad business practice. It'll take it's toll!
16. Doug: Not that it matters for Black Friday assholes.
17. Jeremy: There's no safe device to help ornaments fit, a fnee or cdall or some Dr. Seuss sh*t?
18. Doug: If your decorations obscure all the tree, it means you're American. Go productivity!
19. Jeremy: [as Drew with Stu complains about the stinky old Grinch] That's racist. Why are they following these two?
20. Drew: Say, he lives up here in a big cave...
    Doug: Oh, to bring up a legend we already know it's true.
21. Teen Who 1: Can we touch it, touch the door?
    Teen Who 2: Do it for me, Stu.
    Jeremy: Is courting Who girls in search for Who cock, centered around finding weird doors they can knock?
22. [as the teen Whos found an ugly monster in the door]
    Doug: That managed to scare them, huh? Hard to believe. I got worse nightmares working at Chuck E. Cheese's.
23. Grinch: I really don't like 'em.
    Jeremy: Supposed bad guy hates the easily hated, you'll feel this more often than anticipated.
24. Doug: When apples are scarce, an onion will pass, to help you make you look that much like an ass.
25. Narrator: The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Please, don't ask why--
    Jeremy: Cause you know the damn reason.
26. Doug: The Whos do look strange, there's no denying this, but a paper faced Jedi sneaks into the mix?
27. Jeremy: Fart jokes and burp jokes are already tough, made even lamer with an invisible puff.
28. Cindy Lou: ...no one is getting a little kerbobbled. Doesn't this seem-- superfluous?
    Doug: This child's vocab seems perfectly un-hobbled, so why all the silly fake words like kerbobbled?
29. Post Office Man 1: Lou, I need there by tomorrow!
    Post Office Man 2: Heckavurush!
    Jermey: Their treatment of mail leaves packages wrecked, but they're still somehow better than Federal Express.
30. Lou: Actually, not a Who! He's...more of a--
    Cindy Lou: A What?
    Doug: Let him finish you explosion of hair, that do could rival Queen Amidala's flare.
31. Jeremy: What's worse, ignoring this line of jerks, or that no one knows how this blippin line works?
32. Grinch: [inside the back room] It'll take them years to sort this out.
    Doug: Actually, no. It should take it's day, for they all have addresses, mail's funny that way.
33. Jeremy: Also why mail's fraud the plan you prepared, is it just because a main character's there?
34. Grinch: [throws everyone's mail into random boxes] Jury duty! Jury duty! Jury duty!
    Doug: Yes, jury duty's a reason to shout, but in this weird ass Whoville, I'd check that sh*t out.
35. Jeremy: Post office rooms unattended forever, giving Grinch time for his evil endeavors.
36. Doug: This machine doesn't seem very good at its job, isn't smashing these packages kind of a prob?
37. Jeremy: The Grinch now possesses Spiderman powers? Or does he stick simply cause he never showers?
38. Grinch: Gesundheit.
    Doug: A dog sneeze gives away his dark hiding spot, so why did he bring him? Doesn't help out a lot.
39. Jeremy: Ha ha, the "fragile" stamper is deadly. How could a Christmas here be one of great joy, with the post office smashing presents and toys?
40. Doug: So the dog is really the hero you see, make up your own Lassie joke, we're too lazy.
41. Jeremy: Grinch saves the girl, redemption's fulfilled, so why is there an hour and a half left to kill?
42. Doug: His ninja packaging is way too together...
    Lou: You've been practicing your Christmas wrapping!
    Doug: [sighs] Whatever!
43. Jeremy: Wanna stretch time and leave out what was charming? Use filler lines like...
    Martha May: Isn't this antique, darling?
44. Grinch: Well then you better go catch it! [hangs up]
    Doug: Just insert the last line we used on this one.
45. Jeremy: Mario tubes give the finger to physics, and gravity/momentum know where to stick it.
46. Doug: The dog drops the bag but in the next shot it gets through. You should see what he did on the takes that weren't used.
47. Cindy Lou: My world is changing
    Jeremy: Wait. was this written before the script was? It says something different than the movie does. If anything her world's perpetually not changing. Was that not the point of her f*cking complaining?
48. Cindy Lou: Where are you, Christmas?
    Doug: Christmas cannot answer you. It's a season, so that gives this song sequence even less reason.
49. Jeremy: Uh...nope! The dog dropped that bag. Did you forget? Put an arrow over there. Not forgotten quite yet.
50. Grinch: But we did our worst and that's all that matters.
    Doug: You scared a little girl and messed up the mail. I think your "worst" is a bit of a fail.
51. Jeremy: Grinch changes clothes while his dog sees him shake it. Is a changing screen needed? He's usually naked.
52. Doug: A whole sixty seconds to Grinch echo talking, as if the film's running time didn't leave us sulking.
53. Grandmother from offscreen: From the sky in their old pumbersellas!
    Jeremy: Oh, so Dad's penis goes in Mom's vagina. I get it now, and so will the other kids, kinda.
54. Whoville Dad: He looks just like your boss!
    Doug: So pumbersella babies delivered to folks can still bring awesome infidelity jokes.
55. Cindy Lou: So that's how it works.
    Jeremy: Did you hear how that one kid looked like her boss? Who cares? To most kids that joke will be lost.
56. Doug: It's the year 2000, so Smash Mouth, of course! Nothing more timeless than that music source.
57. Jeremy: What party is this? They're all dressed like hos. A lot of pumbersellas are setting to go.
58. Doug: A lesbian couple? Okay, I'm down for that. But why are they given the hairy green brat?
59. Jeremy: Perhaps he'd do better if you don't name him "Grinch." Don't you think with that name he would fit in a cinch?
60. Doug: Also, Grinchy babies, they make nightmares come true…
61. Jeremy: This bastard's sadistic, Santa's fiery debris, while the reindeer have pre-existing injuries.
62. Doug: Did he really need a reason to find Christmas so rough? Isn't the town's strange holiday fetish enough?
63. Jeremy: Is this the girl from the song "My Two Front Teeth?" I hope the Tooth Fairy's paid double this week.
64. Mayor: I don't like discussing this Grinch--
    Doug: You shut down Whoville when you last heard his name. Openly discussed now. Why don't you feel the same?
65. Jeremy: These shots are so smoky. Is the town on fire? Is Whoville just built on some old burning tires?
66. 8 Year Old Mayor: You didn't have a chance with her. You're 8 years old and you don't have a beard!
    Doug: First off, facial hair always gets the chicks. Second, what beard? Is this some mental trick?
67. Jeremy: Is this now a story of interracial love that's maybe inspired some furry shove?
68. Martha May: Of course not.
    Cindy Lou: I didn't ask you that.
    Female Voice: For some reason, when he came home that day...
    Doug: So is Cindy just walking between neighbor borders to get her story in chronological order?
69. 8 Year Old Mayor: Look at that hack job!
    Jeremy: The teacher is laughing? Who hired this witch? Any school board would have fired that bitch.
70. Doug: Before he reached school those cuts would have healed, plus hair didn't grow on those spots they revealed.
71. Jeremy: So is Christmas hatred is traced back to a girl? I guess that Who-boners mean all of the world.
72. Mayor: The anger.
    Whobris: The fury.
    Martha May: The muscles.
    Doug: For a world where sex doesn't seem to exist, there sure are a ton of cheap jokes not to miss.
73. Jeremy: Grinch's backstory is better left dead. He's a butt-ugly hairy green monster, 'nuff said.
74. Grinch: It's their Whobilation...
    Doug: How can you tell their celebrations apart? You've had them for every damn day so far.
75. Grinch: Now to take care of those pesky memories.
    Jeremy: Self-injuring sedatives settle his woes? What kid-friendly vices this movie's exposed.
76. Doug: Punch bowl attire seems totally fine. This party's where Mardi Gras would draw the damn line.
77. Jeremy: The Whos talk like Smurfs with each single breath, but I don't spend half an hour plotting the Smurfs' deaths.
78. Doug: Is Book of Who just a discount Book of Mormon, except more believable and not quite as dormant?
79. Cindy Lou: I believed that soul is the Grinch and you will too.
    Jeremy: Agreed, six-year-old who we've only just met. We'll follow you though we don't know you quite yet.
80. Grinch: Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant.
    Doug: That's not how I hear it where I come from. That Christmas cheering is what I call symptoms.
81. Narrator: A trip or a slip, you'd slide all the way down.
    Jeremy: Or bounce all the way without dying on the ground.
82. Doug: Young Cindy just stumbled on some weird sex act. I know a few people who'd pay money for that.
83. Jeremy: Also, no headphones around here this late? He could drown it out with Johnny Depp's sound effects tape. (switches to Nightmare on Elm Street)
84. Grinch: Gaze into the face of fear.
    Doug: She would be scared if this weren't Jim Carrey's shtick. We've seen this for years. We're kinda used to it.
85. Jeremy: He mugs for a while. It's really nothing new. All down for skipping this scene? (a group of hands fast forward the scene) Thank you.
86. Doug: No sign of the original story line yet, and we're forty minutes in. Did the script just forget?
87. Jeremy: I'm not sure why falling to her death makes her giggle. Oh, maybe she's thinking...
    Doug: (female voice) "Hehe, dying tickles!"
88. Doug: Convenient good timing never seems to stand still...
89. Jeremy: ...just like for this yodeler the Grinch seems to kill.
90. Grinch: I'm here to accept an award of some kind.
    Doug: Did the cartoon slow to a halt like this? Can we get to the "Stole Christmas" part as promised?
91. Jeremy: That sweater alone should be a hate crime. While at it, include this scene if you've got time.
92. Doug: How is it that the Grinch hasn't blown up this town? I'd Who-nuke this Who-fest to the goddamn Who-ground!
93. Jeremy: F*ck you! The Grinch wouldn't dance at this ball. He's the motherf*cking Grinch. Did you read the book at all?
94. Doug: Though this is a song of which I'll never tire, it'll always be connected to the awful Chariots of Fire.
95. Mayor: ...the gift of a Christmas shave.
    Doug: A shaving joke. Ha-ha. Give that a ten. Wait, how exactly was that funny to them?
96. Mayor: Please become Ms. Augustus May Who.
    Doug: I thought they were married and now I'm told "Never." I guess he waited for the Grinch to score the meanest marriage proposal ever.
97. Jeremy: Where are the nails? I see nothing but furry. Do my eyes deceive me, or are they just blurry?
98. Grinch: Pucker up and kiss it, Whoville!
    Doug: Off to this family film you and your kids flew, but Jim Carrey is in this, so you know it'd go blue.
99. Jeremy: These folks have this coming. Burn 'em down head to toe. But we've seen they have cops, so why are they letting this go?
100. Grinch: It's because I'm green, isn't it?
     Doug: A race joke, really? We're going there folks? Actually, f*ck it. That's a pretty funny joke.
     Jeremy: But why does this town need taxis anyway? Whoville's as large is a penguin's driveway.
101. Doug: There are tiny Whos now? I think I missed that part.
102. Jeremy: Oh well, let's see Grinch waste time in a go-kart.
103. Lou: You fellas alright? How about a nice hat?
     Doug: Not a more useless line in this film than that.
104. Mayor: Good thing we have a spare!
     Jeremy: Not shocked there's a spare pre-decorated tree. They should have used that first instead of dangling dangerously.
105. Grinch: They'll crash on jang-jinglers and bounce on boing-bounders!
     Doug: In front of a green screen snorting uppers and downers.
106. Grinch: I must stop this whole thing.
     Jeremy: So merely one hour the plot now unwinds? Could have watched the original TWICE in that time.
107. Doug: Tricky we know, and you can see why, but at least we're attempting. You didn't even try.
108. Jeremy: That's animal cruelty. At least I think so. It's shot so horrendously it's hard to know.
109. Voice: Your brain is full of spiders, you got garlic in your soul
     Doug: Who the hell's singing? Please tell me they bombed. I've heard better versions out of William Hung's mom.
110. Santa Claus: Merry Christmas!
     Jeremy: Well, thank you for waking all those still asleep. Guess jolly Kris Kringle's not very discrete.
111. Grinch: Forgot about the reindeer.
     Doug: The Grinch apparently is a big method actor.
112. Jeremy: He even directs the film better than the director.
113. Grinch: Brilliant!
     Doug: Even with having located the plot, the film still enjoys wasting time a whole lot.
114. Jeremy: I doubt he could start this fan-powered snowblower. This thing wouldn't power a Playskool Lawnmower.
115. Grinch: I'm going to throw up and then I'm gonna die!
     Doug: If that would mean ending this movie, please try.
116. Jeremy: Did I mention that Hannibal Lecter's still scary? 'Cause he is, almost as much as Jim Carrey.
117. Betty: It's Santa. Go right back to sleep.
     Doug: Adults who believe that Santa is real… Screw it. The film's almost over. I'll deal.
118. Grinch: Okay, fellas. Chow time.
     Jeremy: Moths in the winter. Where the heck'd he get those? If there's bugs in his teeth, are there moths up his nose?
119. Doug: Come on, kid. You can't recognize Grinch's voice? He shows you his face! Is your brain that damn moist?
120. Jeremy: This gag is delightful and makes everyone's day, but dare I ask how those goods get to his sleigh?
121. Grinch: [with female voice] Kiss me, you fool!
     Doug: Dr. Seuss people! Kid friendly to all! Next Grinch will act next to Transformer balls!
122. Jeremy: I guess they're so used to when Santa visited that no one wakes up when loud crimes are committed.
123. Doug: This dog-pulled sleigh looks kind of insane. It's putting Sarah McLachlan's pet ads to shame.
124. Lou: You can't hurt Christmas, Mr. Mayor.
     Jeremy: That's true, but this movie comes dangerously close to it, too.
125. Doug: I don't buy this transformation so quick. Whoville the whole time was nothing but dicks. Perhaps one percent would agree in the town. The rest would buy torches and burn his house down.
126. Jeremy: Pretty Reckless, Taylor. Pretty Reckless indeed. That's not the joke that you want, but the joke that you need.
127. Narrator: Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small--
     Doug: Except for the mayor, right? He's still an asshole? Or was that part of the one second change that evolved?
128. Narrator: The Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day.
     Jeremy: Me? I'm still pissed. [spots on the Grinch crying] Oh, now what's he up to?
     Doug: All down for skipping this scene? [a group of hands fast forward the scene again] Thank you.
129. Jeremy: How the f*ck did she climb that? That toy bag is huge!
130. Doug: And WHY is she up there? Enjoying the view?
131. Jeremy: Yeah, I don't think so. Despite a big heart, that sleigh would demolish all his Grinchy parts.
132. Grinch: Even if we're horribly mangled!
     Doug: They actually acknowledge there's death in this flick? Hey, they've got pumbersellas. I don't know this world's shtick.
133. Jeremy: Still not bored yet? Try some lame-ass ski jokes. They'll get a big laugh out of senile folks.
134. Doug: What's this guy doing? Is that really your plan? You can't save the tree with your one dumbass hand.
135. Grinch: I did it. I'm the Grinch that stole Christmas.
     Jeremy: Plus arson, car theft, and property damage, but let's end this f*cker. I'm sure we can manage.
136. Lou: Everything was all here and accounted for...
     Doug: No one can tell that by simply a glance. Check the damn bag. Don't leave it to chance.
137. Jeremy: Also, they held up quite well when you know how much they've been banged up and dragged through the snow.
138. Doug: He does have this coming but couldn't she wait? This public rejection's a pretty harsh fate.
139. Jeremy: I don't question the sudden change in her heart, but do Grinches and Whos have the same private parts?
140. Doug: One bulb to light them all, one bulb to find them. One question rules them all, why does that bulb light them?
141. Cindy Lou: Your cheek's so--
     Grinch: Hairy.
     Jeremy: I've been looking closely for this beard you've been dissing, but what is this, Our Town? I swear that sh*t's missing.
142. [all the Whos down in Whoville are singing about welcoming Christmas]
     Doug: Too late. You've wasted your sentimental crap. It was lost with that butt kiss. Can't return from that.
143. [the Grinch messes up the Whos' singing]
     Jeremy: Ha-ha, it's funny because he's a dick. Your comedy's 'bout as subtle as a brick.
144. Narrator: The Grinch carved the roast beast!
     Doug: And how would he figure that out exactly? Hasn't he been eating glass throughout the movie?

Movie Sin Tally: 144

Sentence: Jury Duty (Who-Hell)

Epilogue

Doug: See? Now wasn't that easy to do?
Jeremy: No, and let's never do it again.
Doug: Agreed.