The EWW episode to the 2004 movie The Incredibles, the best Pixar movie in history.
Transcript[]
1. Even in fantastic Pixar cartoons, nobody can aim for s*it.
2. This is all well and good, but someone driving alongside on the street could easily figure out your identity if they noticed you before you did this. Or even remember your car. Your identity is toast, Mr. Incredible!
3. [Mr. Incredible attempts to shake the cat off the tree] Why doesn't he just lay the tree down on the ground? Jesus. The guy stops a train later with his bare hands, so he doesn't NEED the tree.
4. And as it turns out, unpredictable chase ended up going down the perfect street for Mr. Incredible to stop it.
5. [Incrediboy tells Mr. Incredible, "I'm your number one fan!"] This move doesn't work any better for Incrediboy than it did for me at Taylor Swift's New England estate. Which is why, in about 15 years, Taylor Swift is going to be really sorry once I unleash all my evil inventions.
6. How the hell did Mr. Incredible know this dude was on the top of this roof? All he heard was that there was a "tour bus robbery in progress." He obviously didn't get there while it was happening. . .but he got there in time to see the robber running away I guess, but DIDN'T catch up to him until he ran all the way to the top of a building?
7. And not just one, but TWO superheros tracked and found this asshole!!
8. [Mr. Incredible tells the robber, "they usually pick up the garbage in an hour"] On. . . the roof?!
9. Mr. Incredible accidentally saves someone into the scene of another crime he can stop!
10. So I guess this minister knows their secret identity? Nearly all the wedding guests are dressed in their superhero outfits, which is odd considering you'd think proper wedding attire would be called-for even here. They took a risk this guy wouldn't say anything, which is kind of amazing.
11. [The principal tells Dash and Helen that they can go] Did the principal ask her to come out here without looking at the tape first?
12. Isn't is just a LITTLE possible somebody would see that, especially since the most popular kid in school just happens to be around in that same area?
13. Man, that kid is riding the quietest Big Wheel in existence. It must have that caterpillar drive from the Red October.
14. [Bob complains, "Now I gotta pay to fix the table"] The table?! You broke a plate dude, not a table. Man, you ARE distracted. Jesus.
15. Why is it that none of the kids in this family have the same powers as their parents? You'd think genetically, with three kids, there'd be at least one. And you'd think even if they had different powers, each would have either elasticity or super-strength or some combination.
16. Also, we'll bring up the Fantastic Four elephant in the room, since half the characters have the same powers, and you could even make a case Mr. Incredible is a non-monstery the Thing. That leaves Dash, who's just The Flash as a kid. So we'll sin that, but for all the people who are down on this because it's an animated Fantastic Four: when's the last time you saw a Fantastic Four movie that was even good, much less as good as this?
17. Well, this article on the right is some bulls*it. The first two sentences are about a shooting; the rest is copy/pasted from the Insuricare insurance employee manual.
18. And this article on the far left is obviously ALSO copy/pasted from the insurance manual.
19. [Lucius freezes Dash's water that he spit out] Awesome, but. . . that's still spit.
20. It can't be a superhero movie in the early 2000's without heroes saving people from a burning building.
21. [Lucius and Bob start arguing] Ha ha, both these superheroes use their rescued fire victims as shields during this debris shower.
22. [A cop bursts into the scene] Thankfully for our heroes, only one cop bursts into the store right now, while the others wait outside to see if he dies and s*it.
23. Oh, s*it! He fired his gun?! Maybe we should go help that single cop we sent into capture the jewel thieves all by himself.
24. "What am i going to do about my dip-s*it husband?" face.
25. In a world where superpowers are real, physical injuries as a RESULT of superpowers are NOT real.
26. Also, luckily this happens RIGHT at the time when Mr. Incredible has another job offer waiting for him when he gets home.
27. [The agent tells Bob of all the damages that has to be paid as a result of his outburst] Wait, hold up. You can f*cking erase memories?!?! And if you can erase memories, why do you need relocate the family?!
28. [The message begins it's "self-destruct" sequence] Brad Bird steals the Mission: Impossible from a franchise he will one day direct.
29. Do residential homes have water sprinklers?
30. Convenient jungle waterless slip-n-slide.
31. Since we later see this thing has propeller arms, why is it not using said propeller arms right now?!
32. This molten lava causes no damage whatsoever to the Omnidroid.
33. Mr. Incredible uses my older brother's "stop hitting yourself" method to defeat the robot.
34. Also, how lucky is he to NOT be hit by any of this robot-self-harm bulls*it?!
35. [Syndrome tells Mirage to "invite him to dinner."] Why? So he can witness the lava-wall thing he'll use later to infiltrate your secure computer room? Is there. . . ANY other reason?!
36. [Mr. Incredible and Mirage engage in conversation] Mirage and Mr. Incredible are definitely not this close, and not close enough to have a normal conversation for sure. And that is a waterfall of lava! How can they even remotely hear each other at all?!
37. Good thing this train yard is entirely deserted all day every day so that no one ever sees this.
38. Why is he training? He got that one gig and got paid, but. . . Mirage gave NO indication he'd have more work in the future. I mean, sure, maybe he's just trying to feel better about his body, and that's cool, but with workouts and the new cars, movie suggests Bob somehow KNOWS he'll have more superhero work coming.
39. Oh, no wait, THERE's a train, which is fine and all, but. . . NO ONE ELSE here?! I mean, if trains are coming through here. . . then there have to be workers all over this train yard, right?!
40. "Stray hair on a jacket always means your man is cheating" cliche.
41. Also. . . has he not cleaned that thing since he got a Mirage hair on it? That was MONTHS ago, right?! And Helen didn't notice this until NOW?!
42. Also, right after she finds the stray hair. . .guess who's calling right now?!
43. [Bob gets a call from Mirage regarding a "new assignment"] First time, they sent a self-destructing iPad. 2nd mission. . . regular-ass phone call direct to his family's home phone line. Because. . . f*ck security, right? I mean. . . THIS is what gets Helen curious enough to go after Bob later, so Syndrome's outfit's sloppy mission delivery really caused his own demise, if you think about it.
44. By the way. . .you're getting banged three ways to Sunday lately. . .and you think he's cheating on you?
45. [Syndrome proclaims to Mr. Incredible, "You got me monologuing!"] Well, he didn't "get you" to do anything, asshole. And just because you're self-aware about the monologuing doesn't make it right, does it?
46. [Syndrome prepares to drop an explosive] If you wanted to kill him, couldn't you have done that already?
47. Well, if not for this handy underground cave, Mr. Incredible is a dead man. Phew, thank GOD for this island's fluky geography!
48. [Syndrome's probe indicates to him that Mr. Incredible has been "terminated"] This is the worst goddamn life-sensing probe ever created. It doesn't have ANY proof of Mr. Incredible being dead, unless it got fooled by the convenient Gazerbeam skeleton down in the cavern. Even so, how did it miss Mr. Incredible RIGHT BEHIND THE SKELETON?!
49. [Edna showcases how the suits can be fire-proof] Yes, but can the baby's face?
50. [A background soldier yells, "Let's go!"] Let's go do what? Can't that asshole radio it in?
51. Luckily, Mirage just happens to be looking down and has no peripheral vision whatsoever as Mr. Incredible holds a giant statue over his head.
52. Well, that's awesome that Mr. Incredible was able to use that password that Gazerbeam just happened to carve into the cavern walls with his last dying breath, but how did f*cking Gazerbeam learn that damn password?
53. Also, super-genius Syndrome uses a 6-letter password for the computer that holds the secret to all his island operations.
54. It's pretty ridiculous that all these superheroes died and there wasn't one word about it through their network. Sure, they may have gotten out touch over the years, but all these people dying and not even a whisper about it?
55. Incredible fire-based garbage disposal here, but. . . what if you accidentally bump dinner into this thing? Shouldn't the fire at least be button-activated?!
56. [Edna hits Helen with a newspaper, telling her to pull herself together] Encouragement abuse. Abuse-agement.
57. [Helen tells Dash to take off his suit before before somebody sees him] Who's going to see it? You're in a bedroom where you just closed all the blinds.
58. [Helen calls up Snug] Snug Ex Machina.
59. [Syndrome speaks to Mr. Incredible about his "sneaking"] Maybe it shouldn't be Mr. Incredible's amazing trick you're amazed by, but the horrible failure of your probe to detect him. Besides. . . Hiding UNDER!? Where is he hiding UNDER!?
60. Also, how the f*ck do you know that's what he did? Your probe didn't notice him. Did you send another better probe after the fact? Or did you have video cameras down there, thereby negating the reason for the probe?
61. The kids stowed away, which is cute until you think about HOW they did it. I mean, only one of them can turn things invisible, and yet they somehow arranged a sitter in seconds, snuck into the car before Mom for a ride to the airport, snuck ONTO the plane, and then stayed quiet this whole time!!!
62. It would certainly suck if these missiles hit the jet, but considering what Edna said about their super suits being indestructible, would it really be all that bad? They'd probably survive that. which we would then sin.
61. Yep, this s*it rules. 1-sin-off kind of rules.
62. Elastigirl kicks this dude, who accidentally starts shooting everywhere and. . .wait, shooting the keycard access thing makes the door open? Well that's convenient.
63. I guess it's a good thing Dash decided to check this cave out at this very moment in time or else they would have been toast. . . unless those suits are as awesome as Edna says they are, where your very face doesn't get burned somehow.
64. That's how freaking far the flames went?
65. Why doesn't Dash just do the thing he did a minute ago when they outran the fire ball and take his sister by the hand and zoom the hell on out of range from the spy bird?
66. Syndrome still hasn't killed Mr. Incredible for some reason. There actually is no use for Mr. Incredible anymore, so the only reason why he's still here is just so he can be saved by his family.
67. [Helen comes in the room to see Bob and Mirage hugging] Of course.
68. Look, I don't care hoe awesome these little jungle speeder things are. . .they aren't catching up to the Dash we've seen in this movie.
69. Dash is a Doogie Howser graduate of the Prometheus School of Running Away from Things.
70. The screenwriters blessed Dash with four times as much luck as he deserved in this sequence to ensure he landed on this Ex Machina island security chopper.
71. [Dash yells in celebration, but then gets caught] Premature jubilation.
70. [Dash runs on the water, which given his speed, makes him walk on it]
71. Man, Brad Bird loves the "bullets whizzing into the water" effect, doesn't he? I mean, we know these bullets would lose most of their power once they hit the water, but as shown. . .damn, that girl should be dead.
72. [Syndrome is surprised about Mr. Incredible marrying Elastigirl] How do you not know that after following Bob around all this time? OK, so maybe you don't "recognize" her because she doesn't have her mask on, but you got Mirage to do some hardcore stalking, and she knew what Bob looked like without his mask on. . .so I don't get your surprise at all.
73. [Syndrome leaves the room, keeping the Parr family imprisoned] Why are they still alive, again?
74. Syndrome tried to create a perfect superhero-killing robot, but accidentally invented AI, which, surprisingly, the movie slides right on by without a 2nd thought.
75. [The destroyed RV lands perfectly in parking position] So much bulls*it.
76. [Mr. Incredible yells out, "Syndrome's remote!"] Come on, man. What, are you a rookie?
77. Violet recovers from unconsciousness just at the time she needs to re-insert herself back into the action.
78. Why are there no labels on this remote that explains what each one does? S*it man, that's some elementary stuff right there but Syndrome decided, "Nah, I can memorize it."
79. [Mr. Incredible remembers what could destroy the omnidroid] Yeah, but I thought Syndrome built an upgrade to the robot you destroyed, and wouldn't that be a part of the upgrade? You mean, this is actually going to work?
80. This is some incredible aim by Mr. Incredible here to take out the robot's brain core, considering he couldn't see the core AND the claw rocket changed directions AFTER he let go of it.
81. You mean. . .after he got slammed into the building and fell unconscious, he got up and went to the Parr household because. . .why again? Only here did he first learn Bob was married and had these two kids, but he didn't know ANYTHING about Jack-Jack, so. . .what the hell?
82. Is no one else in the neighborhood besides Big Wheel kid concerned about this huge disturbance?
83. This Underminer just starts blabbering away immediately, as though he's POSITIVE someone important will be right there outside the elementary school track to hear him and be in awe.
84. I'm pretty sure i would have figured out these people's "secret" identities by now.
85. Oh by the way, one last thing. Did we mention how much this movie steals all the James Bond? This movie steals all the James Bond.
Total of Sins[]
Movie Sin Tally: 85
Sentence: The Incredibles: Rise of the Silver Surfer