Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

The EWW episode of the 2011 movie Justin Bieber: Never Say Never.

Everything Wrong With Justin Bieber Never Say Never

Transcript

1. MTV Films.
2. (the Scooter Braun Films logo appears) Scooter Braun is a 32-year-old talent manager. He's Bieber's manager. He doesn't make films. He got a producer credit on this one movie, which is a documentary. He should call his company Scooter Braun Film.
3. 53 seconds of logos.
4. Is this Catfish?
5. Movie uses famous viral videos to get the audience smiling and laughing ahead of the actual movie.
6. Also, did that motherf*cker just delete Surprised Kitty?
7. (a YouTube video of Bieber singing Chris Brown's "With You" is shown) Justin Bieber.
8. And Chris Brown.
9. Oh yeah, Bieber started out on YouTube. I keep forgetting that because I'm not reminded 12 times a day.
10. (a message on the screen reads "In ten days" while a voice says, "You haven't made it until you've played New York and you sold out the Garden.") Really? Rammstein sold out Madison Square Garden. And they're cool and all, but it ain't that hard if you're even a little bit famous.
11. (two curved hands come together to form a heart shape) This motherf*cking hand-heart gesture is worth at least 20 sins on its own.
31. (the credit "A Scooter Braun Films Production" appears) I would write sins about this movie if Scooter Braun would stop sucking his own d*ck for five seconds.
32. (the title appears) Film partially shares its title with that bullsh*t James Bond movie that was a remake of Thunderball.
33. Also, Bieber and Bond don't quite go together. Shaken, but not quite stirred, am I right?
34. The first songs that supposedly get us revved up for Justin Bieber are a cover of Chris Brown's "With You" and "Lovefool" by The Cardigans.
35. (the opening credits read "Original Score by Deborah Lurie") Jeez...someone had to do a score for the Bieber movie? That's a bitch-slap.
36. (a little girl says that she thinks about Bieber 99% of her life, then screams) That's not even abnormal.
37. (a second girl is wearing knee-length boots with many laces) This girl's shoes.
38. (several girls all shout that Bieber was born on March 1, 1994) If you do a Google search for March 1, 1994 in order to find other interesting things that happened on the day Justin Bieber was born, all you get are pages talking about the day Justin Bieber was born.
39. 5 out of 6 Bieber fans have braces. Make of that whatever you will.
40. Documentary.
41. (more female Bieber fans are shown, including one whole group wearing Bieber shirts and one holding a Bieber sign) What is all this Justin Bieber sh*t? I want the music!
42. (one of Bieber's baby pictures is shown, on which he is laying on a pillow with Cookie Monster on it) Sesame Street? Man, even Bieber's childhood had product placement.
43. (Bieber's grandparents say that they are small-town people and Toronto is too big for them) Yeah, that deceptively small Toronto. Blink and you'll miss North America's 4th largest city.
44. (Bieber's mother says that she and Bieber's father split when he was ten months old) I don't know how you expected things to turn out when you married an infant.
45. (a young Justin Bieber is seen on a baseball team, smiling while "O Canada" plays in the background) Justin is a dick to "Oh, Canada."
46. (Justin is now trying to hit a baseball) I have serious doubts Justin hit this ball. You only hear the 'ping' off-screen, which they could easily have added in post.
47. No way. Justin grew up in Canada and played hockey? Now this movie is just fantasyland.
48. (someone says that Bieber wouldn't pass any sports items, then shows off a picture of a young soccer team Bieber was on) Justin is a dick to his teammates.
49. (young Bieber is seen playing the drums) Wait, Justin Bieber grew up becoming a badass drummer? When did he decide to switch gears and become a sellout instead?
50. (one person is wearing a black T-shirt with a cat on it wearing glasses and a baseball cap that reads "Brooklyn") This asshole's shirt. I don't care if he's being ironic. F*ck that shirt.
51. (one woman says that her first concert was a Michael Jackson "Thriller" concert)
52. (the screen displays the words "Toronto, Canada - 10 days to Madison Square Garden") Just in case you confused it with Toronto, Japan.
53. (someone mentions that Bieber's guitar is a lefty) Left-handedness.
54. (some SweetTarts are shown next to a program for the Bieber concert) Mmm, SweetTarts.
55. (a dispenser of Miller Lite beer is shown) Mmmm... Miller Lite.
56. (Bieber's manager says, "90% of my job is helping him become a good man.") Then you, sir, have failed.
57. (Bieber's vocal coach says, "I'm a 54-year-old childless woman and they call me mama.") Well, that just seems cruel.
58. Also, Bieber's tour crew is a dick to women without children.
59. Why does Justin have a vocal coach when he already knows everything there is to know about music?
60. (Bieber says, "I need a razor.") Oh please tell me he's going to do what I think he's going to do.
61. (Bieber is wearing his pants low) I refuse to believe that anyone in Bieber's entourage is a decent person as long as Bieber continues to wear his pants like this.
62. Bieber's dad's first name is Jeremy.
63. "Close knit group chants the word 'quack'" cliché.
64. (Boyz II Men are performing with Bieber on stage) The day I see Boyz II Men backing up Bieber, that will be the saddest day of my life. Sh*t.
65. (Bieber gives his thanks to Boyz II Men) And all the pre-teen girls in the audience said, "Who?"
66. (Biber's dad looks on with tears in his eyes) I know, man...Boyz II Men...backing up your son...I can barely get over it myself.
67. (Bieber shows off some taxidermied animals that his grandfather collected, but his grandfather says that it's just Chuck Testa)
68. (outside, one man is holding out his phone camera) Dude, portrait mode. And I hope you have a daughter you're sending this to because WTF?
69. (Bieber shoots a basketball from his chest; it flies very far across the court to land in the hoop) Shooting from the chest is the best way to make sure even Tyrion Lanister can't block your sh*t.
70. (at another concert, Bieber points to the audience while holding his microphone; they raise their hands and shake glo-sticks in the air) Hey asshole, I paid $125 on Stub Hub to watch this sh*tty concert. You f*cking sing.
71. (a guy wearing a sweatshirt reading "Duke" stoops down behind Bieber who is playing drums) Duke sucks.
72. (L.A. Reid refers to Bieber as "the Macaulay Culkin of music") The Macaulay Culkin of music? So he shaves when he doesn't need to and he screams when he opens his mouth?
73. (Bieber is playing around with his crew) Bieber seems like such a cool dude here...but why do I still want to punch him in the face?
74. (Snoop Dogg is shown) Snoop Dog isn't smoking weed in this scene.
75. (Reid is surprised to learn that Bieber is playing Madison Square Garden as the headliner) Seriously, it's pretty east to sell out Madison Square Garden. It's f*cking New York!
76. (Reid adds that it just doesn't happen) Except who is big enough to play Madison Square Garden.
77. (suddenly, the film gets messed up as Bieber and his manager wag their fingers at the camera) The f*ck is this sh*t?
78. (one audience member is wearing a plain white shirt that says "Justin Rox") This guy definitely lost a bet.
79. Justin performs one song in his jammies.
80. (Bieber serenades a cute girl as he performs) Bieber seems like such a cool dude here...but why do I still want to punch him in the face?
81. (Bieber meets Jaden Smith) Jaden Smith.
82. (the screen displays: "Jaden Smith - Karate Expert") Also, Karate Expert? Is that really the only legitimate credit Jaden Smith can put on his resume at this point in time?
83. (Miley Cyrus appears) Miley Cyrus isn't embarrassing herself in this scene.
84. Also, Miley Cyrus.
85. (Miley says, "We both worked really hard.") Having a dad in the business didn't hurt you either.
86. Justin needs two chemistry books to learn chemistry.
87. (Justin says, "I'm feeling all right, probably like a 4 out of 10.") Oh sh*t, dude. 4 out of 10 is not all right. That's like, 40 percent or something.
88. Remember, it's all about Scooter Braun and his never-ending selflessness.
89. (Will Smith appears) Will Smith isn't killing something made of special effects in this scene.
90. Vinny Chase wears a Velvet Underground shirt to a Bieber concert.
91. Justin Bieber knows what dinosaur pee tastes like.
92. Ladies...we're sorry to announce that the New York Rangers need the venue tonight. So you'll be watching hockey instead.
93. (referring to one slightly-overweight female concert-goer) This woman.
94. (another woman, likely Bieber's mother, says, "...destined to be able to find his identity and worth not from what he can do, but from who he is.") And from being extremely famous before he finishes puberty.
95. (at his concert, Bieber yells, "NEW YORK!" as the audience cheers) "Singer yells the name of the city he's performing in to get a cheap round of applause" cliché.
96. (Bieber sings "Down To Earth") Terrible lyricism.
97. Bieber telegraphs the encore by not playing his most famous song during the main concert set.
98. All of the credits are an after-credits scene, forcing me to watch the credits to a Justin Bieber movie.

Trivia

• Sins #74, 83 and 89 are examples of X is not doing Y in this scene.