Big Hero 6

The EWW Episode to the 2014 movie Big Hero 6.

Everything Wrong With Big Hero 6

Transcript

1. (old Mickey Disney throwback logo shown after normal one) One Disney logo is not enough. You must also endure the old-timey throwback Mickey logo bullsh*t as well!!
2. (camera pans across San Fransokyo) San Fransokyo? Wow. With the placement of the Asian-inspired Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz Island, and the downtown area, this is clearly San Francisco, but with Tokyo on top of it. Which is cool. I'm down. I just wanna know what happened to the Pacific Ocean is all. Or is this movie like The Watchmen where we're living in a world where we lost World War II? Are San Franciscans so liberal that they said,"You know what? We have a huge Japanese population. Only fair to rename the whole city for them."
3. (two battlebots fight each other) Disney tries to push another "Real Steel" on us like we aren't going to notice that sh*t.
4. ("What's your name, little boy?" "Hiro? Hiro Hamada?") Literal protagonist name is literal.
5. (Hiro's battlebot changes its face from happy to angry) Well, at least one animated film with a "good cop, bad cop" character got nominated for an Oscar.
6. (Tadashi appears with his vespa) Tadashi-Ex-Machina.
7. ("You graduated high school when you were thirteen and this is what you do with it?") This is the perfect time for this kind of exposition! And how are they hearing each other?
8. (Tadashi and Hiro go up a ramp to escape the thugs) EXTREMELY convenient ramp shows up at the exact spot where they need it. What the hell is this doing here anyway?
9. ("Bot fighting is illegal!") Jesus, can't we wait until we get home for this lecture?
10. ("You're going bot fighting, aren't you?" "It's right across town!") With so many bot fights happening all over the city, it's amazing Tadashi found you at the one you were at.
11. Also, Aunt Cass goes from caring about these kids' activities to not existing at all in order to facilitate their sneaking out a second time.
12. ("What are we doing at your nerd school?") How did you NOT know he wasn't going to the bot fight WAY before this?
13. ("Zero resistance. Faster bike.") It'll allow the chick from Premium Rush to get her kid into the country 3 times faster than the last time.
14. ("Honey Lemon? Gogo? Wasabi?" "I spilled wasabi on my shirt one time, people, one time!") Ok, I'm going to do something really different and be extremely nitpicky here. I know these kids are nerds, but the guy spilled wasabi on his shirt, and this was deemed hilarious and embarrassing enough to based a whole nickname around it? Good thing these guys weren't around when I was younger or I'd be called "Sour Cream and Onion Dressing."
15. (Fred holds up a comic book) DPIX Comics.
16. ("I'm actually allergic to that." "You are not allergic to bacitracin. You do have a mild allergy to peanuts.") You could tell that just by scanning him? Jesus, why hasn't Tadashi already become insanely rich and won a nobel price with this thing yet?
17. (Baymax gives Hiro a lollipop) Hilarious. But... where did he get the lollipop?
18. (Baymax deflates into his container) How did Baymax deflate like this with a carbon fiber skeleton inside it?
19. ("You're... Robert Callaghan.") Kid who knows who this famous scientist is somehow doesn't know what the man looks like.
20. (Hiro bangs his head on his desk cluttered with paper) All these crumpled papers show that Hiro is a dick to trees and never got Microsoft Word, or even f*cking Notepad installed in his computer.
21. (Hiro tries to introduce himself, but microphone feeds back) "Microphone feeds back to accentuate the awkwardness" cliche.
22. (Microbots start building structures) Look, I got no problem with these microbots, since we're in a sci-fi comic book cartoon, except the part where he says these things are controlled with your mind. Like, even under the best circumstances where you're concentrating at a perfect level, how does that communicate to all these little bots the EXACT specifications you want? And what if your girlfriend breaks up with you on the day you use these and all they can construct is a broken wang?
23. ("If you can think it, the microbots can do it.") So, this kid invented Nano-bots, only bigger, roughly TONS of years AFTER the invention of Nano-bots.
24. ("Robert. I know how you feel about me.") We find out later that Krei neglected safety when it came to a transportation portal, which Callaghan's daughter test-piloted and never came back. Because this needs to be a surprise for the audience, Krei talks to Callaghan like they don't have any history together, and Callaghan talk about Krei like he's simply some greedy businessman.
25. ("Aunt Cass? We'll catch up, okay?") There's virtually no reason why Tadashi and Hiro decide to hang back other than to have the unnecessary brother moment AND so they can be around when the exposition center catches fire.
26. (Tadashi tells Hiro his fly was down the whole time) Ha ha. But... if his fly is down here, it's not remotely visible from the audience's position.
27. ("Callaghan's in there. Someone has to help.") Like...Aquaman? I can't believe this extremely smart guy thinks he can run into a burning building and expect anything but tragedy.
28. (Hiro is thrown onto the ground and looks up in defeat) Oh, sh*t! All my microbots are in there!!!...And my brother!!
29. (Tadashi's funeral is held under pouring rain) As usual, no sad moments can happen without Earth dumping rain on everyone.
30. Also, "Only black umbrellas are allowed at a funeral" cliche.
31. (Baymax continues to examine Hiro's stubbed toe) Healthcare robot is programmed to continue medical exam even AFTER patient rates pain a "zero" on a scale of 1-to-10.
32. (Baymax discuss things about puberty, and Hiro forcibly cuts him off) Amazingly, the robot Baymax, thus far unfazed by any kind of protest, actually stops talking so this movie can keep its PG rating.
33. (Hiro tries to shove Baymax back to the box, but fails, toppling to the ground so he gets a view at under the bed) Hiro is so unnecessarily BEYOND embarrassed about Baymax's discussion about puberty, he stupidly jumps on him to try and deflate him, which of course leads to a new discovery under the bed.
34. (Hiro takes the microbot out of his jacket pocket) We've seen these microbots do amazing things, but getting out of a jacket pocket is something that that is above its pay grade.
35. ("Your tiny robot is trying to go somewhere.") Damn you, Baymax. You've been on screen a total of 3 minutes so far, but you've already hit "adorable" levels worthy of one sin reduction. (-1 sin)
36. (Baymax has made it out onto the street) Wait, did Baymax just walk through the cafe without ANYONE seeing it?
37. (Hiro goes after Baymax, but stopped by Aunt Cass) There is absolutely no reason why Hiro acts like Baymax is E.T and needs to keep his aunt from knowing anything about it. There is NOTHING whatsoever on the line if she finds out about it.
38. (Baymax is found on a trolley) How did Baymax get on the trolley? Does he have coins? Paper currency? Is money obsolete in this weird-ass fusion future?!
39. (Baymax makes his way through crowds with no resistance) No one thinks it's curious that a white inflatable blob is walking around town.
40. (Hiro crashes off-screen and hits a cat) Cat Wilhelm Scream.
41. ("You gave me a heart attack!" "My hands are equipped with defibrillators.") You know what, that's funny. But if you're going to know the fact that he had allergies to peanuts just by scanning him, surely you can tell he didn't literally have a heart attack.
42. (Cop asks Hiro to file a report) Cop seems skeptical about flying robots despite the 2 minute display of Baymax's obvious weird-robot abilities and awareness.
43. By the way, is this the age of Minority Report, where no crimes are being committed anymore? This is one empty police station! Or maybe the villain from Bad Boys is planning to rob it.
44. (Hiro tries and fails to act natural) Aunt Cass apparently has never seen anyone act suspicious before.
45. (Hiro throws the cat up an entire flight of stairs) Hiro kills a 30-pound cat by throwing it up an entire flight of stairs.
46. (Baymax seems fine after a minute of charging from 0) Did Baymax charge all the way back up in like...a minute?
47. ("Let's work on your moves.") Movie clearly and deliberately rips off The Matrix.
48. Luckily, this movie Hiro put in so that Baymax can learn karate is a side-scrolling one-take action shot that will motion-capture ALL the moves.
49. A robot designed to help people with health care...and that's it...of course has multiple ports where you can stick other programming chips.
50. That is definitely amusing and I HATE to be a killjoy, but did he need a robot to get him gummy bears out of the vending machine? Man, I'm an asshole.
51. This car notices them AND stops to investigate! Amazing timing considering who it turns out to be!!!
52. (Hiro about to fall into the ocean, but Baymax saves him just in time) Slow-ass Baymax was able to catch up to Hiro before he blindly fell into the ocean.
53. Car that has been suspiciously following Hiro this whole time turns out to be his friends, who could have simply called out to him instead of being a bunch of stalking assholes.
54. Meanwhile, the mysterious masked figure who has all the microbots and is moving all sorts of s*it around has gone deathly quiet.
55. (When Honey Lemon says that "that's why Baymax contacted us") And we waited for hours before actually driving out to see you so that we could get mixed up into the plot.
56. (When Fred says "Holy mother of Megazon!") I hear they just took a lot of T.J Miller's outtakes from Cloverfield and put it into this movie.
57. (Honey Lemon takes picture of Mysterious figure with flash) Seriously? She took a picture with flash and everything? She really just did that?
58. Movie tears a car-chase page from Fast & Furious, where only the good guys and bad guys are out at night and there is ZERO traffic.
59. Super scary microbot villain is only fast enough to barely keep pace with a sh*tty sedan.
60. Villain throws a car instead of simply catching up to them, which should be possible with his amazing number of microbots.
61. Movie that pretends to care about science proceeds to make this possible.
62. These tires should be freaking dead by now skidding against the grain like that for the SECOND TIME.
63. The masked villain assumes the heroes are dead and wanders off stupidly. Either that or his intent was only to scare them all along, in which case he carried for FAR too long.
64. (Shows a portrait of Fred and his parents) Movie thinks it can slip a Stan Lee cameo by us like we're just going to let that sh*t slide. Nice try, assholes.
65. You had the TV cued up to this dude before you ever came in here?
66. (Song is heard) I hear a song. Which means...montage time!
67. Does Tony Stark know that some kid in futuristic San Fransokyo has a pirated version of his gadget creation software?
68. Man, first Iron Man's hand-gesture creation computer, Tron girl, the Organization IIIX hoodie (From Kingdom Hearts II) and now Mr. Incredible's "I'm too fat to fit in my suit" moment. This movie is ripping off ALL THE DISNEY!
69. Actually, since Baymax is mostly air, he should pop when this happens, right? Sh*t, we saw him intentionally let out air earlier to squeeze through a window, why is he not doing that now to help the suit fit?!
70. Which reminds me...does he still have six pieces of scotch tape holding all that air in? Cause amazing, if so. Scotch tape doesn't last more than a day, everyone knows that.
71. He gave everyone a weapon except the dark-haired chick, who gets...skates.
72. (When Hiro introduces Baymax 2.0) is an awesome robot and an awesome character, but this armor again illustrates the bizarre need for Marvel to make a mechanical robot badass in every one of their movies.
73. Also. that's the Iron Man suit. Awesome. Why you didn't create Cap(tain America)'s shield and Thor's hammer for other members of the team I'll never know.
74. (When Baymax shoots the rocket fist at statue) Baymax steals the Oddjob from Goldfinger.
75. Movie can't resist its inner Harry Potter and has Baymax fly through San Fransokyo, basically just to show off the IMAX 3D stuff you overpaid for. All these movies have a scene like this, pretending to justify the need for the technology.
76. (Shows Baymax still flying around) Is this still going? I honestly counted 20 movies with a scene like this in my head during this scene. I figured I missed something and would have to ask the 7-year old kicking my seat for a plot update. But...nope.
77. Now Baymax can scan the entire city from this range and figure out everyone's health statistics. This scanner is way more amazing than almost everything else in this movie. even microbots, but it'll be only used for this one scene and never heard from again.
78. None of the new teen heroes kill each other in this seizure of itchy-trigger-finger reaction assault.
79. Also didn't even kill the thing that made the noise...somehow. But cute pigeon.
80. (When Honey Lemon says they should look at this) "You might want to see this" cliche.
81. Also, once again, bad guy are leaving doors open for anyone to peek inside their criminal operation.
82. (Hiro presses a button on the machine) All the visual information they need to know is ready to watch at the push of a button.
83. Oh, what the hell, throw a little Stargate in there too.
84. "Irregularity in the magnetic field that a rich guy or scientist ignores causes death and/or villain spawning" cliche.
85. And... a dash of Spiderman 2...Jesus. This movie is a f*cking casserole of other movies' ideas.
86. Having failed earlier to kill them by throwing a car, villain spins the prize-wheel of attacks an once again lands on the "throwing heavy sh*t at people and hoping they die" pie-wedge.
87. Also, for the 2nd time in this film, villain leaves heroes for dead without checking to ensure they're dead.
88. (When Callaghan says he has the microbots during the explosion) Which are explosion-proof.
89. Also, who started the fire? You can cue the Billy Joel music while we figure this out… (We Didn't Start Fire starts playing as instrumental) I guess Callaghan did? Because he knew the microbots will protect him as he birth his revenge scheme? You gotta have faith, so you can cue George Michael now. (Cause I gotta have faith! - George Michael)
90. Movie steals the "robot temporarily turns bad" scene from The Iron Giant.
91. Now that he turns evil, Baymax also does what the bullsh*t villains always do, and that's waits so long to attack, their plans are foiled at the last minute.
92. Annnd because Hiro uncharacteristically suddenly decided to kill the professor, a convenient pandemonium ensued that allowed the bad guy to get the mask back. Voila! Screenwriting 101, people.
93. (Baymax says the enhanced scanner is damaged) Of course it has. It fulfilled its one use, and now it's worthless.
94. (Hiro trying to open the access port) Wait... you mean this robot can actually keep its access port closed? Aren't things like that mechanical? What power does it have on the inside of his body to keep that port shut?
95. (When Fred says they are picked up by a family chopper) Somehow we were able to get here in the 4 minutes you've been in this garage.
96. (Whe Honey Lemon hands Hiro a USB stick) Damn, 20% of this girl's lines are "you should look at this" cliches!
97. Speaking of which, nearly all the characters that are not Baymax are nearly worthless in this movie, what distinguishes these characters that make you want to see more of them?
98. A tragic story he never shared with anyone because he knew one day some kid will build him something which he could use to get revenge. You have to keep your supposedly-dead daughter a secret somehow... I guess he told everyone she "went on vacation" or something.
99. (When Callaghan says "I'm taking everything from you") This is the most elaborate "eye-for-an-eye" revenge plan ever conceived. What was he going to do if Hiro never invented those microbots? Because I would have gone with that plan.
100. (When Hiro grabs hold of a rebar) Oh, thank God for rebar, It's always handy whenever you're about to die.
101. How does Callaghan have the ability to take on multiple people at once using the microbots? He's got to do this all with his head, splitting attention between all the different heroes coming at him from all different directions.
102. Tons of killer debris flies into the portal but misses Hiro completely, and he's in the dead center of the pull.
103. (When Hiro says "look for a new angle".) You mean, they haven't been trying to come up with new angles this whole time? Yet, miraculously, just because Hiro tells them this, ALL OF THEM come up with solutions.
104. (Portal falls on the ground creating a foggy explosion) Everyone survives this.
105. (When Baymax says "I'm detecting signs of life") Abigail has been subsisting on Balrog dreams and fairy dust whilst in another dimension.
106. (When Hiro says "someone has to help") Hey... those are the same words Tadashi used when he stupidly went into that burning building! But now, they sound heroic...I mean...DOUBLY STUPID, considering what happened to Tadashi.
107. (Shows Baymax flying in the air before going into portal) The portal is destabilizing, but Baymax wastes all this time showboating around before flying into it.
108. Wasn't this a matter transporter between two places? This part of the movie suggests the contraption first transports you to some weird space-y alternate dimension place, and then you have to find the second portal to get out. Which means Krei actually invented more than a teleportation device...he invented...a f*cking wormhole! Or an alternate universe!
109. (When Hiro gives directions) Simply giving direction commands would be worthless in this debris field without also giving instructions on how far or for how long to veer left and right.
110. "Hero sacrifices himself to save the world" clich-...well, he's saving two people. Not the world. Still sacrificing himself for the greater good. And The Iron Giant did this sh*t, too.
111. (Shows Hiro flying out of portal before it explodes) Whew! They did that JUST at the moment it exploded. If Hiro had whined about anything else for just 1 more second, they would have died.
112. (When Wasabi says "Baymax?") I mean... you can't build another one? You assholes have built a million things in this movie just as impressive as Baymax, and you make it sound like you can't ever build HIM again. Meanwhile, wouldn't Tadashi have saved his work somewhere? He didn't have a laptop with all the work on it? He just saved everything to that ONE chip?
113. (When Hiro says "Who are we?") Spider-Man? The (Teenage Mutant) Ninja Turtles? The incredibles? The Avengers? The Fantastic Four? ("Big Hero 6!") Oh, sh*t. Now there are 6 more of you assholes to keep track of.
114. Even the end credits scene rips off Spider-Man 2.
115. Fred's dad has the most amazing timing ever and shows up at the exact same time Fred found this secret room.
116. <sigh> Stan Lee isn't content to cameo in a painting.

Movie Sin Tally: 114

Sentence: Unnecessary Surgery