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The EWW video on the original 1950 animated version of Cinderella.
Cinderella cinemasins

Transcript Edit

  1. RKO Pictures. There are actually several things wrong with that, but mainly "radio pictures"
  2. Books.
  3. Reading.
  4. (Narration starts) Narration OF reading.
  5. This is the calmest happy dog I've ever seen. Are we sure he's not dead?
  6. Also, evil stepmother is so evil it makes you wonder which dude was able to get it up for her to produce TWO daughters.
  7. (when the narrator says "The stepmothers true nature was revealed.") You mean, evilly stroking a cat with a perpetual scowl on her face didn't tip that off. . .ever?
  8. Bird butlers.
  9. (while the birds tweet) Alarm clocks birds.
  10. (when the birds try to wake Cinderella up) These birds are dicks.
  11. (while Cinderella talks about dreams) Are dreams. . .wishes? (she begins to sing) Dammit! There's a song for this!
  12. Oh, look! There's a mouse! And he's. . .stoned.
  13. Does she not regularly get bird and mouse droppings on her sheets and bedding?
  14. (when Cinderella gets mad at the clock) Yeah, let's blame the clock, when it was a couple of birds that woke you up.
  15. Sure is lucky that these are the "nice" kind of mice, or else this might be considered and infestation.
  16. Other than her singing, which is fair, are these animals compensated in any way for doing so much of the work for her morning routine?
  17. Disappointing sponge bath.
  18. Look, fun for the whole family aside, Cinderella appears to have zero side boob in this shot. You might think I have a need to see carton nudity, I don't. I saw Heavy Metal and it's like jacking of to crayons. My point is, if you're going to have a scene like this, you can't pretend Cinderella's chest is made up of a solid black line.
  19. Mouse undergarments.
  20. (when one mouse says there's a mouse in the house) Well, that makes 167 then.
  21. (while the mouse is talking about the mouse's gender) Mouse plays the pronoun game with Cinderella, Cinderella assumes "she" for some reason, because this game is awesome.
  22. Green-cloaked mouse flashes Cinderella to emphasize the mouse is a "he". Which, i don't know how that communicates gender, but i guess that's how it was done in 1950.
  23. (when Cinderella names the mouse) How is Gus short for Octavius?!?!?
  24. We were told that the house has fallen into disrepair after Cinderella's dad died, but it looks pretty damn good for "disrepair."
  25. (when Cinderella calls Lucifer) They named the cat Lucifer? That's not a nickname either. . .they actually named the cat Lucifer?
  26. Also, cats aren't known to come when called by name, or even understand their own names. Like, if your cat is named Pretty, you could also call Kitty, Titty, or S*itty, and have the same odds of the cat coming to you. Anyway, I digress. . .
  27. (while Cinderella talks about getting rid of dreams) But a dream is a wish your heart makes, Cinderella!
  28. Most cats are lactose intolerant, so even if you're serving an evil cat, this is not a good idea.
  29. (when the mice find themselves trapped) These mice only know one way out of the castle, apparently.
  30. Story of Cinderella becomes a Tom & Jerry cartoon.
  31. There is NO reason to get this close to a cat you're trying to distract and lure away from the doorway. None at all.
  32. Cinderella is feeding three different species the same kind of food. Strike that. . . four species.
  33. Cheese overdose.
  34. Stupidest mouse in history somehow fails to grab a single piece of food despite having started out next to a f*cking PILE of that s*it.
  35. Then Cinderella overfeeds Gus four times his body weight lie she's the killer in Se7en.
  36. (when Gus tries to pick up the cheese) What. . . a dumbass.
  37. (when he tries again) <sigh>
  38. Damn, this big-ass evil cat gets knocked out by things normal cats would either avoid, or get hit by and run into 5 different rooms before stopping.
  39. That's not possible.
  40. What the hell kind of breakfast is this? Hot water, a teacup, no sugar or cream or lemon or anything at all to put IN the tea----hell, I don't even actually see any tea bags!! and then we have. . . what? Chicken broth?!
  41. Foreshadowing.
  42. It's hard to believe an hour and 14 minute movie has so little story that it needed THIS much mouse plot!!
  43. This is not where the hole was before.
  44. If you want to say it's so dark I can't see the stepmother, fine, Just don't tell me it lights up like magic out of nowhere.
  45. What?! Stepmother must keep that cream by her bed, because it wasn't on the trays Cinderella was carrying. Which means it's spoiled. And. . . gross.
  46. (while the King talks about the Prince finding a girl) Well, unless he's gay.
  47. (when the King says the ball will be arranged tonight) How long have you known your son is coming home? You're just now thinking of arranging a ball. . .on the day he's coming back?
  48. Cinderella leaves a pile of dirt in the dustpan just lying around so that evil cats can perform mischief.
  49. (while Cinderella sings while cleaning) The animation sequence in this is awesome in this is awesome and the song is pretty but damn, it has 4 words in the entire song, repeated over and over!
  50. (when the mice walk over to Cinderella) Mice openly walk around in the main part of the house, knowing full well there are 4 living things who hate them here and could discover them at any time.
  51. (while the stepsisters mock Cinderella) Step-bitches.
  52. What's this we hear about stitching a dress? Well, count us in!
  53. (when the female mouse says "Leave the sewing to the women.") She said it, I didn't.
  54. (when the stepsisters throw away things they don't like) Stepsister Ex Machina.
  55. (while the mouse walks) This movie should just be called Mice.
  56. They're able to get all these beads using this tiny sack and Gus's tail. I counted them. There's more than 40 here. I'm calling bulls*it on cartoon logic!
  57. Over a minute and a half of bird-mouse dress-making!!
  58. I would have removed all the sins from this movie, plus any remaining ones left in the feature, if the needle had stabbed this mouse in the head.
  59. Apparently, even in whatever castle-era this, dudes' anacondas didn't want none unless they had buns, hon.
  60. Cinderella doesn't immediately run for her life when a sudden person appears.
  61. (when the Fairy Godmother introduces herself) Fairy godmothers must be pretty damn common. I guess Hogwarts is right around the corner. It also explains why a Gryffindor ended up in the Slytherin house.
  62. (while the Fairy Godmother sings) at some point Cinderella has to wonder why the Fairy Godmother waited until some ball to show up and offer help, after, like. . . a lifetime of torture and abuse.
  63. (when Fairy Godmother turns the horse into a person) This nonsensical alliteration works to turn pumpkins into carriages, mice into horses, and horses into people. I don't know how the words know how to change what into what, but, it sure is catchy!
  64. Also, fairy godmother creates a world where if Cinderella fell in love with her coachman, she'd technically be falling in love with a horse. No judgments, I'm just saying that's the world we're living in right now.
  65. Magical Project Runway!
  66. (when Cinderella shows her glass slippers) That doesn't sound dangerous at all.
  67. (while Fairy Godmother talks about when it's midnight) But. . . why? Why not 1am? Or 3:33am? Or. . . never? Arbitrary magical obstacle is arbitrary!
  68. The way this carriage is moving, Cinderella would sustain brain injuries, her dress would be torn, and her hair would be a freaking mess!
  69. (when one girl is introduced) She looks hideous. She doesn't even have blonde hair!
  70. Yeah, hot women are f*cking boring. What a dick this dude is.
  71. I can't decide if this guy has too many guards, or too many stairs. . .
  72. (when the Duke gives narration) The day I accept narration from an asshole wearing a monocle, that's the day I give up Cinema Sins.
  73. (when the Prince sees the girl of his dreams) He can tell that Cinderella is awesome from this distance because in all the kingdom, she's the only blonde. At least, she's the only blonde with those kind of birthing hips.
  74. (while the Prince and Cinderella dance) Oh by the way, my name is Cinderella. I know, it's awkward when you just start dancing and don't even introduce yourself or speak. Perfect people rarely need to do that.
  75. (when the singer says "So this is love.") After 2 minutes.
  76. Well, I don't know where the f*ck we are now. But maybe Elrond will show us the way out of here by morning.
  77. (when they're about to kiss but they clock dings) Clock block.
  78. (when the Prince says "I don't even know your name.") But you're in love, that's for sure. That's the disadvantage of the "start dancing and never talk" method of courtship.
  79. Um. . .no. It was midnight 75 seconds ago. That's in movie time, too. If it's still midnight, then why is my Mogwai turning into a Gremlin so easily? I knew i shouldn't trust town clocks when it came to late-night feeding.
  80. So. . .why did everything turn back to normal, but the slipper she lost remains its beautiful glass self? It makes me wonder if she had bippidi bobbidi booed the Prince, would all the clothes on the ground have stayed bippidi, bobbidi, booed?
  81. Nope. that's not what it looked like when she changed back. Take that, hard-working animators.
  82. (when Cinderella thanks the Fairy Godmother) Thanks for showing up after 17 years of my life, at least 10 of them under the horrible rule of my stepmother, to give me 3 hours of magic that you could have easily adjusted to 2 or 3 AM, BECAUSE YOU'RE MAGIC.
  83. This "King is upset at the Duke" scene is just plain stupid, and doesn't belong in this movie. There, I said it.
  84. (when the Duke tells the King about the slipper size) And should, and it's crazy it doesn't! By the way, the other way you could figure out who the slipper belong is to FIND THE ONE BLONDE GIRL IN THE ENTIRE KINGDOM.
  85. (while Stepmother talks about someone being the prince's bride) The Princess Bride?! I love that movie! Oh. . . wait. . .
  86. (when Cinderella hums and Stepmother becomes suspicious) Cinderella is now under such a spell, she gives clues to her stepmother that she was the Prince's dance partner from last night. Although let's be honest, she should have already known due to, i don't know, her appearance.
  87. Many famous people have stayed in this castle in olden times, including Abraham Lincoln.
  88. Evil stepmother, in ridiculous lucky fashion, aimlessly props herself in perfect "mice stealing keys" position.
  89. What?! The mice have X-ray vision now?!
  90. (while the Duke talks to Stepmother) Proclamation about a f*cking shoe-fitting is so long it allows to mice to do this.
  91. Stepmother doesn't notice a giant mouse in this saucer.
  92. Tea drop defies the laws of gravity.
  93. If you cut all the mouse footage out of this movie, you'd literally be left with a 14-minute short film.
  94. Look, don't put a situation in a movie that is this impossible with the time given and then tell me Cinderella gets out of her damn room before the Duke leaves.
  95. Then the mice climb ALL THIS WAY in the time it takes for the lone remaining sister to try on the shoe!
  96. Mice have sudden forks and scissors all over their home to go attack the cat with.
  97. No wonder this dude has been at this all night. He spends 10 minutes with each girl trying to jam on a shoe that obviously doesn't fit.
  98. Fitting end for the cat. If he shows up alive at any point, we'll know he was buried in the "Pet Sematary."
  99. (when the Duke panics over the broken slipper) I know! Terrible how they can only settle this with a "shoe fitting" and not any other aspects of her features. Terrible how she never once said her name so that this was the only way they could find her.
  100. (when Cinderella shows her other slipper) Now, there's no way to verify that this slipper is the same size as the one that broke, but I guess they are the only glass slippers ever made. . .because they would be uncomfortable as s*it in real life.
  101. (while the Duke kisses the slipper) Foot fetish.
  102. Yay! We're married! What's your name again?

Movie Sin Tally: 102
Sentence: A Ball

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