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Cars is a EWW video aired May 2016.

Everything_Wrong_With_Cars_In_16_Minutes_Or_Less

Everything Wrong With Cars In 16 Minutes Or Less

Transcript[]

Everything Wrong With Cars in 16 Minutes Or Less[]

(Spoilers!) (duh)

  1. [Lightning McQueen pumps himself up before the race] Car narration.
  2. OK, I get that he's a racecar, but he lives in a world where the cars are living things... so why would racecars ever spend time in a dark trailer waiting for some big reveal like a human-world racecar?
  3. Are these... are these cars taking pictures? How the f*ck does that work?
  4. Are the helicopters anthropomorphic or are there cars inside the helicopters flying them? And if these helicopters are on their own, why isn't there a whole world full of them having helicopter races?
  5. Also, I see Dinoco still exists in the living racecar world, even though this is a completely different world than the one in Toy Story.
  6. If there were a car outperforming the others like this, especially at the end of the race... then the race wouldn't ever be in question. In other words... bullsh*t.
  7. And this race... this is no different than a 10,000-meter footrace, right? Why would an event such as "running" be such a big sport in this world?
  8. Also, if every part of these cars are actual living appendages and need to be change periodically, like the tires--it really starts to make you ponder the question, "If I replace all the parts of an old car, is it the same old car or is it a new car?"
  9. Separate men and women's bathrooms open up the question as to what makes a car male or female, and how car sex works.
  10. Also, shouldn't this sexist joke about the long line of women cars be the other way around? Or am I being sexist thinking it should be another way? Eh, f*ck it.
  11. Also, ha ha, because even female cars take sooooo much longer in the bathroom than men, am I right?! Ha ha ha--wait... what are these cars even going to the bathroom for?! Oil changes?! Top offs? This long line makes no sense!!
  12. [Chick Hicks pushes Lee Revkins aside] Tony Stewart.
  13. [Bob Cutlass introduces himself and Darrell Cartrip] Get it? It's just like The Flintstones! For cars!
  14. This race also brings into question why there are nothing but male cars driving in it. Are male cars inherently faster than female cars? What kind of bulls*it is that?
  15. F*cking 10 yards, unsportsmanlike conduct!
  16. [Darrell Cartrip notes how the smoke would be impossible for McQueen to make it through] Darrell... ahem... CARTRIP... would be excellent at CinemaSins.
  17. [Lightning McQueen jumps on top of two cars to segue into a slow-motion sequence] This maneuver is total bulls*it... but if this really is a race like Daytona or something like that, this mega-wreck would cause a delay or stoppage that would "freeze" the action until it got sorted out.
  18. [Chick's coach realizes that McQueen is "not pitting"] Wait, you're saying EVERYONE pitted at the 215 mile mark EXCEPT McQueen, and he's still somehow in the lead 80 laps later?!?!? Without pitting?! And his car hasn't broken down?!
  19. Cars should not have tongues, but whatever... even if they did, the tongue-extension should NOT count in this automobile race.
  20. It's taking them a REALLY long time to figure out who won this thing!
  21. [The two McQueen fans come up to him] That's a headlight joke, right there.
  22. [It is announced that in a week from the current time, there would be a tiebreaker race at California] Hope you didn't have plans.
  23. Also... why not just f*cking race right now? And why's that s*it gotta take place in California?
  24. This race shot off fireworks after announcing a three-way tie. I bet the fans were like, "F*CK you, race! I'm stuck in traffic after paying big money to see an inconclusive sporting event!!"
  25. [Rusty and Dusty bid Lightning farewell] This Click & Clack cameo is now sad, since one of them died. Nice going, Pixar. Thanks Obama.
  26. Instead of a moon roof allowing him to see the stars, this truck has a digital ceiling... allowing him to see the stars... while also wasting a LOT more energy. Sweet!
  27. Somehow a truck THIS interesting to the press will still go missing, like, moments after this.
  28. I get what you're going for here, with the hustle and bustle of life, but... is there ANY highway in the U.S. with THIS much f*ckery of exits and entrance ramps going on?!?!
  29. By the way, this car getting a ride from a truck doesn't endear me much to Lightning McQueen--but I'm already having trouble figuring out why I should root for this guy since he's been nothing but an asshole since the movie started.
  30. The Fast & The Car-ious.
  31. [One of the neon cars goes in front of Mack to distract him] This rough 'n tough car street-gang's main motivation is... to make tired vehicles sleep?
  32. Well, in order for this movie to happen, it needs the truck to fall asleep... the asshat neon cars to push the truck into the rumble strips, AND the rumble strips to cause a bobblehead to fall and open the back door.
  33. Also, a high-tech race-car-transporting big rig would DEFINITELY have a failsafe in place to keep Lightning from just drifting out the back of the truck while he's sleeping!!
  34. ALSO... the tailgate dropping to the pavement and creating sparks STILL doesn't wake up this semi?!?!
  35. [Lightning yells out for Mack] Aren't nearly all these trucks named Mack? Because if they aren't, that's some bulls*it and I don't like it.
  36. After driving along thinking EVERY semi he sees is Mack, Lightning makes the crazy decision to pinpoint Mack's identity to this one exiting semi... because story. I mean... think about it, Lightning! WHY would Mack be getting off the highway to California at a lonely exit offering no truck stops or gasoline or anything?! The ENTIRE movie hinges on this terrible split-decision made by Lightning.
  37. Magic train appears so that this movie has an "exciting" beat-the-train scene that is only in this movie and no movies before it.
  38. In this world, you can get a ticket for running too fast.
  39. Electrical and phone wires are NOT made out of bungee, and neither are the wooden poles they're attached to.
  40. So... remember the movie Doc Hollywood? Michael J. Fox played a doctor who had a big interview with a plastic surgery office and he had car trouble and got stuck in a small town and saw Julie Warner's boobs? This movie is Doc Hollywood dressed up as an animated racecar flick and no boobies--unless you count that headlight scene, which I don't.
  41. I'm for a good pun just like anybody, but "Braking News?" As in, news that's so important you "brake" for it? How do we reconcile that s*it?
  42. This movie has zero respect for the actual mobility impact of parking boots!
  43. [Doc Hudson says to himself, "Here she goes again"] Again? Do you have regular court sessions in this tiny-ass Podunk town? Enough that she's given this speech before?! I don't think so, is what I'm saying.
  44. [Sally asks Luigi what he has in his store, to which he responds, "tires."] Jesus, she didn't even call him to the stand or anything. This is more like a church revival meeting than a real court!!
  45. [Lizzie says Big Al is the only car strong enough to fix the roads] Yeah, but not the actual towing capacity--if you think a racecar is going to lug some giant tar rig then you guys are living in a cartoon.
  46. [Tow Mater tells McQueen how jealous he is to working with Bessie] The whole movie is filled with s*it like this.
  47. Also, in 2006, this was right around the time you thought, "Man, Pixar has a perfect record... they may lose that perfect record! Why, Cars, why!?"
  48. After an attempted getaway, Lightning runs out of gas at the EXACT spot the cop and district attorney are inexplicably waiting to taunt him!
  49. Jesus. How long is this firetruck going to water those flowers? And did I just say that?
  50. They just dart around this massive road damage as though it's a puddle, paying it no attention whatsoever, thereby kind of proving Lightning's point about how little the pavement damage really matters.

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