The EWW video of the 1991 Disney movie Beauty and the Beast.
- Not that you asked, but if you had, I'd've told you that 48 seconds of Disney logos were too freaking many seconds, even back in 1991!
- (the title card reads this as a "special edition" of the movie) Yep, we're sinning the "Special Edition" of this movie, which leads me to question... what the hell was wrong with the original version that made it not "special" enough for me as a kid? I feel like my whole youth is in question here.
- (the narrator says, "Once upon a time, in a far-away land...") The "Once Upon a Time" cliche has been a cliche since the 1400s, which means even Hans f*cking Christian Andersen was probably tired of writing that bulls*it in the 19th century!
- Also, narration.
- (the narrator describes the Prince "spoiled, selfish and unkind") Yeah, but his family motto is literally a Latin maxim that translates to "He conquers who conquers himself," and warns against becoming selfish and unkind. I'm not saying the Prince should be perfect, but shouldn't SOMEONE be constantly reminding him of that?
- Also, Latin spoiler!
- (the narrator describes that a beggar woman arrives at the castle door and offers the Prince a rose in return for shelter from the cold) Ok, first of all, why is the Prince answering the castle door? I know for a fact that he has like 300 servants.
- Second, it's impressive that there's a stained-glass portrait of EVERY scene in this interaction with the old woman.
- Third, the background looks more like a thunderstorm than a snowstorm, so I'm immediately calling bulls*it on the old woman's story, and gotta agree with Prince Teen Wolf.
- (the beggar woman is revealed as an enchantress who punishes the Prince by turning him into the Beast and placing a spell on the castle and all who live there) Damn! We know the Prince is an asshole, but after turning away this flower-peddling woman ONCE she f*cked him up AND his entire staff, potentially forever! The real moral of this story is, unless you're Joel Kinnaman, do NOT f*ck with an enchantress.
- (the Prince-turned-Beast has a magic mirror as "his only window to the outside world") Except for, you know, all the windows.
- (the rose is revealed as enchanted and would bloom until his 21st year, by which time the spell would be broken if the Prince could learn to love another) He's gotta fall in love by the time he's 21?!?! Jesus, even by fairy tale standards that's pretty f*cking young. What if he wanted to backpack in Europe for a year, or volunteer with Greenpeace before settling down?
- (it is learned that if the Prince does not learn to love by 21, he will be doomed to remain a Beast forever) But it ALSO sounds like the enchantress made the Prince immortal, so... it's not THAT bad of a deal. With the way this chick goes around arbitrarily handing out punishments, it's pretty likely she ALSO did this to a princess, so at some point they would probably end up finding each other and living together forever as two pretty compatible, immortal beasts, especially after Tinder is invented.
Movie Sin Tally: 101