EWW Video Goldmember aired Christmas 2014.

Everything wrong with austin powers goldmember

Transcript Edit

  1. 20th Century Fox alone takes 20 seconds and Pixar eventually takes 13 seconds to write this movie.
  2. In case you confused it with the grand canyon, I called this state Utah.
  3. ("Yeah, baby.") What?! What happened to your voice? Austin is ALSO Tom Cruise!
  4. Also, voice surgery.
  5. ("You better watch your-frickin-self because this is one doctor who doesn't make house calls.") Oh, sh*t! Another voice too? How did Dr. Evil get there in the grand canyon?
  6. Also, Kevin Spacey.
  7. ("Hey assholes, I'm right over here! I'm Mini-Me, come and get me!") Why is he even using a cigarette?
  8. Also, Danny DeVito.
  9. And also, flipping off with a middle finger.
  10. 3 minutes of opening credits.
  11. Awesome! Did Britney Spears buy this album as well? Is it in Hollywood?
  12. ("Oops! I did it again, baby.") Did what again? Why did Britney turn into a fembot which exploded?
  13. We interrupt this Austin Powers movie to bring you the only two good movies in this franchise.
  14. "Mini-Me is awakened by Dr. Evil by not giving any chocolate" cliche.
  15. (when Dr. Evil repeats "Scotty Don't" lines) Main character does this repeating line in the whole movie and eventually does most things while he does.
  16. "Preparation H" cliche.
  17. ("Why don't you just call it "Operation Ass Cream", ass?") Oddly enough, Operation Ass Cream is not often an operation.
  18. ("Not so fast! You're surrounded, Dr. Evil.") I knew we have to give it up when Dr. Evil is under arrest, but we saved everything in that gold chip.
  19. The Queen of England is a main protagonist for Austin, you accept me to give me our medieval vows.
  20. ("Come on, Dad. Stand up and take a bow.") What? Bullsh*t. Nigel is away since DECADES forever and ever. Because it's now a sign that says "Reserved for Nigel Powers.
  21. Also, can't this thing put a sign on things?
  22. (when Austin makes up a song "Daddy Wasn't There") [[We Interrupt This X To Bring You Y|We interrupt this Austin Powers movie to bring you Rock Band or Guitar Hero, apparently.
  23. ("When I was first baptized, when I was criticized, when I was ostracized, when I was jazzicized, steak and kidney pies, one hour martinized, when I was circumcised...Daddy wasn't there") Those rhymes were a little anxious about three letters to go something with "ized" because this song is racist about like, 500 words in the whole song to go in the script!
  24. Can I ask you to call people names when Austin introduces them? Because you already met Burt in the second movie.
  25. Also, Fook Mi and Fook You.
  26. ("Remember when I told you were not so different, you and I?") Does Dr. Evil even have a flashback in my head? Because, my hero of the brain has lost our train of thought.
  27. ("Remember that day of the academy? Think!") "Hero does a flashback in my head" cliche.
  28. Are you just now putting a reserved sign again? Because you just did this 15 minutes ago.
  29. ("You go now, Mr. Powers. Fly, fly!") "Evil villain frees himself" cliche.
  30. Is Austin going to the roller rink? Because, ice rink and skate land are 2 types of roller skating places.
  31. ("I'm from Holland! Isn't that weird?") This, Goldmember. Because he is at the roller rink floor.
  32. (when Nathan is doing a role reversal scene with Austin while Foxxy is talking) Wait a minute. Is Nathan right behind Foxxy? Because this is not how you met our love interest after getting divorced?
  33. ("Eight years and no phone call? Nobody stands up Foxxy Cleopatra! Where have you been?") I know! It's probably because you're at London, missing your dad. So hold please. There are good ways to remember.
  34. "Hero and his dad communicate ways in Dutch for being Goldmember" cliche.
  35. ("Would you like a...last smoke and a pancake?") That's racist.
  36. Also, last smoke and a pancake for a day.
  37. ("Flapjack and a cigarette?") Gross! Goldmember, don't eat that.
  38. ("Cigar and a waffle?" "Pipe and a crepe?" "Bong and a blitz?" "Oh well, then there is no pleasing you." "That's not right.") That's even racist.
  39. Also, doesn't Goldmember have a fast food menu when Austin doesn't have any restaurant patrons?
  40. ("Put it in the skinbox, please. Ah, yes. I'm peeling." "Oh, that's just disgusting!") That's racist.
  41. ("All visitations limited five minutes. No spitting in the visitors room.") Keep playing this quote, prison guard!
  42. Why did Dr. Evil even had an option for a Taco Bell bag? What's wrong with having a reenactment scene from Law and Order, the franchise one day direct on NBC?
  43. And also oddly enough, Battle Creek on CBS is way better than that!
  44. ("Daddy's all pent up now, let's freak!") "Evil villain creates a porn video" cliche.
  45. ("Time's up!" *record scratches* "Visiting hours are over. Get to the line.") "Music ends with interrupting guard" cliche.
  46. (when Dr. Evil is doing the "Hard Knock Life" rap song to escape from prison) 2 full minutes of rap song.
  47. Is Dominos your game that is not for prisoners? If you are already mentioned in that reference, that's bullsh*t.
  48. ("We have been tried for years to get a mole inside Dr. Evil's lair.") A mole? Where? Have you seen it?
  49. Also oddly enough, Number 3 has something in your face, you know; like: bloody moles.
  50. ("Nice to mole you, "meet you", I said mole.) That's kind of racist too, little guy.
  51. ("Lower the globe!") "Lower the globe" cliche.
  52. ("Well, congratulations numb've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack in the box!") Dude, your globe is stuck on your head. Can't this thing get out?
  53. ("Release the meteor.") "Release the meteor" cliche.
  54. Really? The "meteor kicks Dr. Evil's crotch" cliche?
  55. ("Ah, Jesus Christ, this diaper is making my nuts rub together. It's gonna start a fire!") It's just now meeting Fat Bastard again? That's amazing! Because Fat Bastard is now a sumo wrestler who returned in for a sequel.
  56. ("Do you know what my favorite Helen Hunt movie is? Twister!") Is Fat Bastard asking a question or an answer to a guy when he is not listening?
  57. "Fat Bastard throws a sumo guy in the ring" cliche.
  58. ("That's not right!" "Sure, ain't." "Are we done here? I gotta take a crap.") "Game wins with evil fat man" cliche.
  59. ("Wait a tick. Something doesn't smell right. And I think it's Fat Bastard.") Oddly enough, night vision goggles are for scanning.
  60. ("What the--? I didn't have any corn!") Sorry, Fat Bastard. But this movie has nothing to do for putting corn for adults.
  61. ("Hey diaper lady, here's my diaper!") "Diaper selling" cliche.
  62. ("Oh, aye. I left a rosebud in there for you.") Nope. There are no rosebuds in this Austin Powers movie.
  63. ("I'd like to have a go with that filly. Do you find me sexy? Look at my titties! Aye." "Shut your mouth!") "Fat guy rubs himself seeing Foxxy in disguise" cliche.
  64. ("All right. His name is Roboto. He owns Roboto Industries.") That's a very silly reference to meet a place where you can call.
  65. ("Did you just soil yourself?" "Maybe. It did sound a little wet, didn't it...right in the end?") That's racist.
  66. ("We've comfirmed what Fat Bastard told you about Roboto is accurate. He was hired by Dr. Evil to contruct Preparation H.") Okay, I'm gonna sin this movie to when Dr. Evil contructs Preparation H for this movie you've put in for adults.
  67. "Please eat some shit" cliche.
  68. ("Please eat what?" "Wait. He said, please eat some shitake mushrooms.") Ohhh...
  69. ("Your ass is happy?" "No. He said, your assignment is an unhappy one.") An unhappy assingment? That's not irritaing.
  70. "I have a huge rodent" cliche.
  71. "Hero gives last things to say "I do have a huge rod...I wish" to Mr. Roboto" cliche.
  72. ("I open-mouth kissed a horse once.") Well that's not silly...because anyone gave me Mr. Ed in that show for children.
  73. ("Run! It's Godzilla!" "It looks like Godzilla, but due to International Copyright's not." "Still we should run, like it is Godzilla!" "Though it isn't.") "Fake Godzilla" cliche.
  74. ("If you got an issue, here's your tissue.") Hey, that rhymes!
  75. ("Wait a tick. I'm not falling for that again!") Can Austin have another flashback in my head for a second movie? He's fighting Mini-Me in his Japanese apartment!
  76. Oddly enough, hero fighting Mini-Me in his Japanese apartment to any reason.
  77. ("Mole! Bloody mole! We are not supposed to talk about the bloody mole but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I'm gonna chop it off, and cut it off. And make some guacamole!") You hear that, Mike Myers! He's gonna be rich now.
  78. ("Sir, Dr. Evil is not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.") Did Mr. Johnson ask to come here without looking at a picture of a satellite first?
  79. "Men in crowd built out the word "TITANS" in a stadium" cliche.
  80. ("Johnson!" "Yes, sir?" "Any sign of that satellite?" "No, sir. It's gone.") But...why? The satellite is gone away for minutes...which involves zero aliens whatsoever.
  81. 2 and a half minutes of Austin doing shadow puppets with Mini-Me in the doctor's office.
  82. ("Mini-Me, the map! Go! Okay, you got me.") How did Mini-Me escape with that map?
  83. ("What? Dr. Evil is not your son. I am.") I understand Goldmember can sneak in, but how the hell did he get there in the submarine?
  84. ("Oh, COME ON!!! I mean first I'm not evil enough for you. And now you're gonna turn good?") Wait a minute. How did Scott lose respect for Ducky pretending to be Dr. Evil? Because adults cannot be Dr. Evil, you know.
  85. ("Fassia, fassia, fassia, fassia, fassia. Fassia can you here me?") This parody reference of the song.
  86. ("Hey assholes! Do I have time for a last smoke and a pancake or what?") Come on, how the sh*t does Goldmember not even notice you're free to go? You've already often ordered a skinbox in the other lair.
  87. ("Fat Bastard? But you are not fat anymore." "I'm on the subway diet. I've lost 180 pounds.") "Fat Bastard loses weight by eating food" cliche.
  88. ("I do have a little bit of excess skin, though. And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.") A vaginal neck? I don't know what that is for.
  89. ("I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers!") What? How the sh*t does Scott lose hair and become bald? Because, this plot will haunt my dreams forever.
  90. (while the outtakes are playing) Now let's think about this for a second. This is an actual movie for the end credits while scrolling up, or behind the scenes, filming. Nope, it's humans filming the Osbornes alright. We've seen this for decades.
  91. ("Kickstand? Really? Can I give you my cellphone number?") Okay, where did you come from? Where did Britney return to end this movie? So you think Mini-Me is losing hope to Dr. Evil now?
  92. ("Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.") Oh, sh*t. Now Burt Bacharach came back whenever you keep track of.

Movie Sin Tally: 92
Sentence: Gold as Undercover

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